Crowdsource: what is your response if your teen says something truly awful?

[Anonymous]

You should rehearse a canned response so that you have it ready, and then address it at a later time when you both are calm. Your main goal here is to make sure they understand that it is not okay to be abusive to people that you love. That’s the life lesson you need to impart.

Once you have time and are both calm enough to discuss it, you revisit the issue and say that it was unacceptable. Have them explain what set them off and then come up with better ways to handle it next time.

If they did something totally outrageous in your home, like taking all the food out of the refrigerator and throwing it on the floor, I imagine you would have major consequences for that, so treat this the same way. Discuss, then impart the consequence. Logically, it should be them doing extra chores to repay you for hurting your feelings. And be sure to mention that while everyone struggles with strong feelings, they need to be age-appropriate about expressing themselves.

[Anonymous]

Don't speak to me that way.

And then if they're a-holes, and then they come crying to me 5 minutes later about how they need money for this or that? No way. Don't be a jerk and then come begging.

[Anonymous]

Maybe it’s just me, but your three examples are very different. Particularly the “wish you would die” one. For that, I would prob stop in my tracks, turn and stare at them and say “that is a horrible, awful thing to say to me, or anyone. You wish I was DEAD? I guess you can get yourself to soccer tonight, because I am absolutely not taking you.” (Or whatever the next fun thing they wanted to do was). Their dad wouldn’t be taking them either. Guess they’re not going unless they can figure something else out.

You look horrible? Meh. I’d maybe say “that was rude” and let it go, if anything. Might not even bother to reply. Teens gonna teen. You’re stupid would get at least, “that was hurtful. Don’t talk to me like that.” And then I’d drop it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DD has never said anything awful about me, to me. But she once said homeless people are lucky and I nearly slapped her straight into oncoming traffic. She was all "I'd LOVE to go camping all the time!" and I saw red.

I yelled at her for a couple of blocks then told her to stop talking before I killed her, then by the time I saw her after school I'd calmed down.

How old was your daughter at the time?

[Anonymous]

“That’s not nice” and get up and leave the room if possible.

[Anonymous]

"I know you are a better person than that. This behavior is beneath you."

[Anonymous]

"Maybe you'll get your wish ." -Kevin McAllister's mom

[Anonymous]

Depends how it was said and to whom.

To parents who say their kids don't do this - they do. They just don't know about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DD has never said anything awful about me, to me. But she once said homeless people are lucky and I nearly slapped her straight into oncoming traffic. She was all "I'd LOVE to go camping all the time!" and I saw red.

I yelled at her for a couple of blocks then told her to stop talking before I killed her, then by the time I saw her after school I'd calmed down.

Sounds like you have sheltered your kid to not understand about the unhoused and then "saw red" when she didn't know any better. Could have been a teaching moment - you failed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You should rehearse a canned response so that you have it ready, and then address it at a later time when you both are calm. Your main goal here is to make sure they understand that it is not okay to be abusive to people that you love. That’s the life lesson you need to impart.

Once you have time and are both calm enough to discuss it, you revisit the issue and say that it was unacceptable. Have them explain what set them off and then come up with better ways to handle it next time.

If they did something totally outrageous in your home, like taking all the food out of the refrigerator and throwing it on the floor, I imagine you would have major consequences for that, so treat this the same way. Discuss, then impart the consequence. Logically, it should be them doing extra chores to repay you for hurting your feelings. And be sure to mention that while everyone struggles with strong feelings, they need to be age-appropriate about expressing themselves.

This is the goal which is why I don't believe in ignoring this behavior, but remembering that teens can be irrational and impulsive is important too.

My kids don't speak to me this way. But if they get lippy I'll start saying stuff like, "I don't know who you think you're talking to, but it's not me," and then I tell them to get themselved together and try again. Granted, I'm likely hot when this goes down so I know I'm using an authoritative voice in response.

[Anonymous]

If they're saying that to you, I would think they're just giving back what they've been given all their life.

[Anonymous]

I say, you're allowed to be angry, but it's not okay to (whatever the behavior is). When they've calmed down, we talk about what appropriate ways of expressing anger would be.

[Anonymous]

Those examples are pretty extreme and I would definitely be getting them help.

But for more typical mean teenager comments, I call them out immediately and I ask WHY they make comments like that? “Why do you want to say mean things to me?” — that has stopped and quieted my kid….and made them feel a bit guilty.

Kids should be held accountable for the words they use.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You should rehearse a canned response so that you have it ready, and then address it at a later time when you both are calm. Your main goal here is to make sure they understand that it is not okay to be abusive to people that you love. That’s the life lesson you need to impart.

Once you have time and are both calm enough to discuss it, you revisit the issue and say that it was unacceptable. Have them explain what set them off and then come up with better ways to handle it next time.

If they did something totally outrageous in your home, like taking all the food out of the refrigerator and throwing it on the floor, I imagine you would have major consequences for that, so treat this the same way. Discuss, then impart the consequence. Logically, it should be them doing extra chores to repay you for hurting your feelings. And be sure to mention that while everyone struggles with strong feelings, they need to be age-appropriate about expressing themselves.

+1. My job is to teach kids how to behave in relationships. I get that teens are impulsive, their brains are developing, etc. But they can also begin to notice when they are doing a behavior that is not great, so that they can work to avoid doing that in the future. I make sure the kids notice it, and work to stop doing it.

[Anonymous]

I just say “you hurt my feelings.”