Crowdsource: what is your response if your teen says something truly awful?

[Anonymous]

I’m sure we will have the posters who boast about how their teens never say anything that bad. Good for you. For those more messy families, what is your response to really awful things? Making these up but some are close: just die already. You look hideous. You are completely stupid. Etc. DC is an otherwise good kid, school loves them, and does not have social media or care about their phone.
Saves all the joy for me.
TIA

[Anonymous]

My kids have always said those things in jest, to each other (they don’t mind), and to me: I laugh and remind them not to try that with other people unless they’re sure they won’t take offense. They know not to do this with their father, who has no sense of humor about this.

Said in anger, or mean spiritedly? They haven’t done that. When they’re upset, they cry or stomp off to their room.

[Anonymous]

I would tell them it’s not acceptable and they need to apologize and if it continues there will be consequences.

[Anonymous]

I would say that really hurts, and maybe how you would you feel if I said that to you.

[Anonymous]

I would say that they clearly have some issues that they need to get through if they feel that they can dump all their anger/issues on me.

I would tell them that I love them, they are my child, but that doesn't give them the right to dump on me. Whatever anger you have towards me should be discussed and worked out. I am not a perfect parent; I don't expect you to be perfect, but I do expect respect.

(though respect should and does go both ways... I'm not always respectful of my teens, but I'm trying -- 15 and 18 yr old).

[Anonymous]

I found that my son would express anger when he was actually feeling anxious or upset about something. I’d remind him that I love him and was there to listen but not if he was going to be mean. He’d typically calm down, apologize, and then we could get to the real issue. Happily with age and some more maturity he no longer has those outbursts

[Anonymous]

I just say “I love you too”.

My son says mean things when he’s angry, and I have learned to not take it personally or react too strongly because then we just keep spiraling.

If I can keep it lighthearted it’s usually a short lived thing and I get an “I love you” before bed.

[Anonymous]

"I'm sorry you feel that way."

[Anonymous]

Worst my kid has said is I hate you, I wish I had another mom. I replied I hate you back after a few times of this so it has stopped somewhat. For the I wish I had another mom, I said then maybe you should go to a foster home. But I always kiss my kid before they go to bed and before I go to bed I always check in on DC and DC has said they sometimes know when I come into their room. For the most part, DC does not go to bed angry.

[Anonymous]

My DD has never said anything awful about me, to me. But she once said homeless people are lucky and I nearly slapped her straight into oncoming traffic. She was all "I'd LOVE to go camping all the time!" and I saw red.

I yelled at her for a couple of blocks then told her to stop talking before I killed her, then by the time I saw her after school I'd calmed down.

[Anonymous]

I sat down and cried. It was how I was feeling inside, and I didn’t think it would hurt to show it.

[Anonymous]

On a good day, when I have lots of patience, I ignore or say something along the lines of ‘I’m sorry to hear that, that hurts my feelings’ and leave it alone.

What do I say when I’m exhausted and frazzled and pushed to the limit? ‘What is wrong with you! You cannot speak to me that way! Look at everything I do for you because I love you so much and then you are so rude to me! No more screens for you!’

I don’t actually know how I supposed to respond, but I’m guessing it’s a lot closer to the former.

[Anonymous]

Calmly and quietly let them know that what they have said is inappropriate and you will be discussing later. Then walk away. When you're both in a rational state of mind, and you're not boiling with rage, have a conversation about it.

[Anonymous]

Most of you seem very calm and rational. Hopefully it will help me stay that way too. The immediate reaction is never quite what I want! Thx all.

[Anonymous]

What was going on prior to their remarks? Were they reacting to a decision you made about them going somewhere, did they have a bad day a school or sporting event? I would acknowledge their frustration, but tell them their mean and disrespectful remarks are hurtful. Remind them that when they are hurtful to you, it makes it hard for you to do nice things for them (preparing food and snacks for their friends, giving rides, etc).