My kid has no real concept on what college will cost overall.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We created a spreadsheet with how much we have saved and the cost of tuition/room/board at each school - and the gap between the two. We can float about an additional 5-7k/year (we have twins) but anything above that has to come from merit/loans. We were very clear, we didn't want them to graduate from undergrad with $$$$$ loans.

In the end, they selected an instate school that wasn't their #1, but I think they will be happy/fine. I think they would have loved their #1 (didn't go for a visit after they didn't give them any merit.)

We did this too - told them how much we could afford between 529 and cash flow, and that we would not allow them to go into debt for undergrad. And, left it up to them. One is AR an OOS flagship with merit, and one is at a SLAC with merit

+1 yep. We told DC#1 to create a spreadsheet with the cost and app deadlines and acceptance notifications. DC#1 is level headed about finances.

We've told DC#2 to do the same with the spreadsheets. However, DC #2 is like OP's DC, including the anxiety and depression.

DC seems to think they will be fine far away. They said they wanted to go as far from me as possible because I nag them too much. I nag them about preparing for college (now a sophomore), studying for their APs, and keeping their room tidy. I don't expect top tier, or straight As, but I expect them to try their best. Still, that's too much because of their anxiety. DC has panic attacks off and on, and they come seeking me out in the middle of the night. When I ask DC about their panic attacks and living far from home, they seem to think they'll be fine.

I've told DC many times how much OOS and privates costs.

They are delusional. They seem to think they will be getting merit aid with their not so top scores and grades. They took a practice PSAT and got like 1200 or something. They took two AP tests last year and got a 2 and 3. I've offered to pay for tutoring, but they are adamant that they can do it on their own.

I'm at a loss on how to bring DC down from their delusions. We've had a few arguments about studying for their AP tests coming up. My spouse thinks we should just let them fail, but I think college is too important to let them fail.

And yes, DC is in therapy. I don't think it's helping.

AP courses are meaningless for this cohort. She doesn't need them.

I don't think that's true. SAT may be meaningless, but not APs. Plus, they want to knock out credits and do a double major.

They have terrible study habits, in part due to their anxiety, but they seem to think they can do a double major, all while living far away, which means they may not be able to come home for breaks as often. We've told them that several times.

Maybe it's immaturity, but I'm really at a loss on how to deal with this DC.

DC knows how much college costs, and they know we have enough for in state, but they seem to think they can get merit aid with their not so top grades and terrible study habits.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We created a spreadsheet with how much we have saved and the cost of tuition/room/board at each school - and the gap between the two. We can float about an additional 5-7k/year (we have twins) but anything above that has to come from merit/loans. We were very clear, we didn't want them to graduate from undergrad with $$$$$ loans.

In the end, they selected an instate school that wasn't their #1, but I think they will be happy/fine. I think they would have loved their #1 (didn't go for a visit after they didn't give them any merit.)

We did this too - told them how much we could afford between 529 and cash flow, and that we would not allow them to go into debt for undergrad. And, left it up to them. One is AR an OOS flagship with merit, and one is at a SLAC with merit

+1 yep. We told DC#1 to create a spreadsheet with the cost and app deadlines and acceptance notifications. DC#1 is level headed about finances.

We've told DC#2 to do the same with the spreadsheets. However, DC #2 is like OP's DC, including the anxiety and depression.

DC seems to think they will be fine far away. They said they wanted to go as far from me as possible because I nag them too much. I nag them about preparing for college (now a sophomore), studying for their APs, and keeping their room tidy. I don't expect top tier, or straight As, but I expect them to try their best. Still, that's too much because of their anxiety. DC has panic attacks off and on, and they come seeking me out in the middle of the night. When I ask DC about their panic attacks and living far from home, they seem to think they'll be fine.

I've told DC many times how much OOS and privates costs.

They are delusional. They seem to think they will be getting merit aid with their not so top scores and grades. They took a practice PSAT and got like 1200 or something. They took two AP tests last year and got a 2 and 3. I've offered to pay for tutoring, but they are adamant that they can do it on their own.

I'm at a loss on how to bring DC down from their delusions. We've had a few arguments about studying for their AP tests coming up. My spouse thinks we should just let them fail, but I think college is too important to let them fail.

And yes, DC is in therapy. I don't think it's helping.

AP courses are meaningless for this cohort. She doesn't need them.

I don't think that's true. SAT may be meaningless, but not APs. Plus, they want to knock out credits and do a double major.

They have terrible study habits, in part due to their anxiety, but they seem to think they can do a double major, all while living far away, which means they may not be able to come home for breaks as often. We've told them that several times.

Maybe it's immaturity, but I'm really at a loss on how to deal with this DC.

DC knows how much college costs, and they know we have enough for in state, but they seem to think they can get merit aid with their not so top grades and terrible study habits.

You gotta let DC take the lead and let the chips fall where they may. Sounds like they won’t listen to you anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We created a spreadsheet with how much we have saved and the cost of tuition/room/board at each school - and the gap between the two. We can float about an additional 5-7k/year (we have twins) but anything above that has to come from merit/loans. We were very clear, we didn't want them to graduate from undergrad with $$$$$ loans.

In the end, they selected an instate school that wasn't their #1, but I think they will be happy/fine. I think they would have loved their #1 (didn't go for a visit after they didn't give them any merit.)

We did this too - told them how much we could afford between 529 and cash flow, and that we would not allow them to go into debt for undergrad. And, left it up to them. One is AR an OOS flagship with merit, and one is at a SLAC with merit

+1 yep. We told DC#1 to create a spreadsheet with the cost and app deadlines and acceptance notifications. DC#1 is level headed about finances.

We've told DC#2 to do the same with the spreadsheets. However, DC #2 is like OP's DC, including the anxiety and depression.

DC seems to think they will be fine far away. They said they wanted to go as far from me as possible because I nag them too much. I nag them about preparing for college (now a sophomore), studying for their APs, and keeping their room tidy. I don't expect top tier, or straight As, but I expect them to try their best. Still, that's too much because of their anxiety. DC has panic attacks off and on, and they come seeking me out in the middle of the night. When I ask DC about their panic attacks and living far from home, they seem to think they'll be fine.

I've told DC many times how much OOS and privates costs.

They are delusional. They seem to think they will be getting merit aid with their not so top scores and grades. They took a practice PSAT and got like 1200 or something. They took two AP tests last year and got a 2 and 3. I've offered to pay for tutoring, but they are adamant that they can do it on their own.

I'm at a loss on how to bring DC down from their delusions. We've had a few arguments about studying for their AP tests coming up. My spouse thinks we should just let them fail, but I think college is too important to let them fail.

And yes, DC is in therapy. I don't think it's helping.

If she can't stand your nagging, she can move far away and get a job. She can go to college when she's ready to pay for it herself or work with you.

A part of me wants to let them do this, and let them fail, but the other part of me doesn't want to see them go down the more difficult path.

I come from a lower income immigrant family. I know what it's like to be poor and struggle. I don't want that for my kids. I've shared with them how hard life is when you are poor. But, it's still just a concept to them because we've provided a nice comfortable UMC lifestyle for them.

I really don't know what to do. I tell myself that I'm going to back off and let them flail, but then a couple of weeks later I go back to bugging them about studying for their AP exams.

Last year when they got a 2 on one of their AP tests, they cried. It broke my heart. And still, they think they can get a good score without studying that much. Like I said, they are delusional.

I really really am at a loss.

[Anonymous]

#1, you have a husband problem first. You two MUST come to an agreement on what you can afford.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We created a spreadsheet with how much we have saved and the cost of tuition/room/board at each school - and the gap between the two. We can float about an additional 5-7k/year (we have twins) but anything above that has to come from merit/loans. We were very clear, we didn't want them to graduate from undergrad with $$$$$ loans.

In the end, they selected an instate school that wasn't their #1, but I think they will be happy/fine. I think they would have loved their #1 (didn't go for a visit after they didn't give them any merit.)

We did this too - told them how much we could afford between 529 and cash flow, and that we would not allow them to go into debt for undergrad. And, left it up to them. One is AR an OOS flagship with merit, and one is at a SLAC with merit

+1 yep. We told DC#1 to create a spreadsheet with the cost and app deadlines and acceptance notifications. DC#1 is level headed about finances.

We've told DC#2 to do the same with the spreadsheets. However, DC #2 is like OP's DC, including the anxiety and depression.

DC seems to think they will be fine far away. They said they wanted to go as far from me as possible because I nag them too much. I nag them about preparing for college (now a sophomore), studying for their APs, and keeping their room tidy. I don't expect top tier, or straight As, but I expect them to try their best. Still, that's too much because of their anxiety. DC has panic attacks off and on, and they come seeking me out in the middle of the night. When I ask DC about their panic attacks and living far from home, they seem to think they'll be fine.

I've told DC many times how much OOS and privates costs.

They are delusional. They seem to think they will be getting merit aid with their not so top scores and grades. They took a practice PSAT and got like 1200 or something. They took two AP tests last year and got a 2 and 3. I've offered to pay for tutoring, but they are adamant that they can do it on their own.

I'm at a loss on how to bring DC down from their delusions. We've had a few arguments about studying for their AP tests coming up. My spouse thinks we should just let them fail, but I think college is too important to let them fail.

And yes, DC is in therapy. I don't think it's helping.

DP. This sounds a bit like mine (down to getting me up at night for a nightmare), though the worst of it was middle school, and a therapist did help. Mine has ADHD, so a therapist dealing with that was a key part of helping the anxiety.

Anyway, what helped us is to lay it all out. For us, money is a factor with admissions. I explained to her fresh and soph years that even to get in our state flagship required X. To get in the tier of schools that would give us need aid required even more effort, and other schools where she would need merit would likely be unaffordable if she didn't do well enough to get max merit.
I essentially said "Hope you like Towson or UMBC. " Nothing wrong with these schools of course, but that made the picture more clear for her and motivated her.
She also initially wanted to go to the west coast to do her own thing, but after she did a 2 week environmental science experience, she changed her tune. Maybe you DD could do a summer program and see how that goes.
As for tutors, we went rounds and it helped when she selected the tutor.
For us, listening and humor helped me remind her that she really doesn't want to push me away. We're at a great place now.
Now, we're through it all. Her efforts have paid off, and she is off to her top choice in the Fall. Good luck to yours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do/did yours? How did you upper middle class parents have this conversation with your kids and each other? DD wants to go out of state, kaching$ another $20 grand plus travel expenses each year for her and us parents to visit her.

My husband is delusional by telling me DD can go where she wants to go or can get in. He leads her on. He’s trying to be encouraging for her to do well enough to go.

DD is only a sophomore, in 2 years college will probably increase another 25+%. DD is a home girl, close to us, has anxiety and some depression issues as it is. I don’t want to pay for emergency flights for her to come home too. Our state U is huge where I wish she would go but she’d be better at a small school. Private schools in state are just as expensive as out of state these days.

If financed carefully, we could wing it with loans/cost for our two kids but i don’t want to be pinching it in my senior years/ we’re older parents. We are considered “affluent” status - on the ‘outside,’ as i don’t see financial aid coming in.😕 panicking already.

It can work out with financial aid, loans, and grants. It worked out for many people I know. Money and loans are there. You need to do the work. I know a family that lives the high life multiple homes etc... and made their kids turn down top top colleges for state schools. It is selfish. They could have toned down their lavish lifestyle for their kids education. There is always a way to make it work out.

[Anonymous]

I hear you, Im especially not happy that as a dual Canadian citizen they can get basically an almost free degree up there but they are fixated on these really expensive colleges--I told them in state Va or Canada but they arent interested in either, they have this unicorn vision of college.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hear you, Im especially not happy that as a dual Canadian citizen they can get basically an almost free degree up there but they are fixated on these really expensive colleges--I told them in state Va or Canada but they arent interested in either, they have this unicorn vision of college.

Maybe daddy needs a second job

[Anonymous]

This will be my DH too. He says they can go wherever they want. And we can pay. Technically, we may be able to swing it. But we have three kids and I don’t know about swinging it for all three. But he’s adamant they can go where they want.

I, on the other hand, will be showing them what a budget will look like for a 20 and 30 something. Rent, car, insurance. And then income after taxes. They need to see in black and white what having loans means.

[Anonymous]

Show her how much you can afford and then the costs of attendance.

The girl should be able to do Math by this age.
Just sit down for a family meeting and go through the numbers (for her and your husband).

(You might also want to show her how loans can cramp lifestyle for decades).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This will be my DH too. He says they can go wherever they want. And we can pay. Technically, we may be able to swing it. But we have three kids and I don’t know about swinging it for all three. But he’s adamant they can go where they want.

I, on the other hand, will be showing them what a budget will look like for a 20 and 30 something. Rent, car, insurance. And then income after taxes. They need to see in black and white what having loans means.

this is us, even though more recently salary sounds amazing our savings are minimal and three kids

[Anonymous]

That; 's a parenting fail. You need to talk to her about it. Yes, my freshman knows. We've talked about college for years.

[Anonymous]

right but say hypothetically your kid got into Ivy--would you really not swing it if you could ? we could swing but crape by if that makes sense.ofcourse most likely no ivy
if its non ivy then no

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:right but say hypothetically your kid got into Ivy--would you really not swing it if you could ? we could swing but crape by if that makes sense.ofcourse most likely no ivy
if its non ivy then no

scrape

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We created a spreadsheet with how much we have saved and the cost of tuition/room/board at each school - and the gap between the two. We can float about an additional 5-7k/year (we have twins) but anything above that has to come from merit/loans. We were very clear, we didn't want them to graduate from undergrad with $$$$$ loans.

In the end, they selected an instate school that wasn't their #1, but I think they will be happy/fine. I think they would have loved their #1 (didn't go for a visit after they didn't give them any merit.)

We did this too - told them how much we could afford between 529 and cash flow, and that we would not allow them to go into debt for undergrad. And, left it up to them. One is AR an OOS flagship with merit, and one is at a SLAC with merit

+1 yep. We told DC#1 to create a spreadsheet with the cost and app deadlines and acceptance notifications. DC#1 is level headed about finances.

We've told DC#2 to do the same with the spreadsheets. However, DC #2 is like OP's DC, including the anxiety and depression.

DC seems to think they will be fine far away. They said they wanted to go as far from me as possible because I nag them too much. I nag them about preparing for college (now a sophomore), studying for their APs, and keeping their room tidy. I don't expect top tier, or straight As, but I expect them to try their best. Still, that's too much because of their anxiety. DC has panic attacks off and on, and they come seeking me out in the middle of the night. When I ask DC about their panic attacks and living far from home, they seem to think they'll be fine.

I've told DC many times how much OOS and privates costs.

They are delusional. They seem to think they will be getting merit aid with their not so top scores and grades. They took a practice PSAT and got like 1200 or something. They took two AP tests last year and got a 2 and 3. I've offered to pay for tutoring, but they are adamant that they can do it on their own.

I'm at a loss on how to bring DC down from their delusions. We've had a few arguments about studying for their AP tests coming up. My spouse thinks we should just let them fail, but I think college is too important to let them fail.

And yes, DC is in therapy. I don't think it's helping.

AP courses are meaningless for this cohort. She doesn't need them.

I don't think that's true. SAT may be meaningless, but not APs. Plus, they want to knock out credits and do a double major.

They have terrible study habits, in part due to their anxiety, but they seem to think they can do a double major, all while living far away, which means they may not be able to come home for breaks as often. We've told them that several times.

Maybe it's immaturity, but I'm really at a loss on how to deal with this DC.

DC knows how much college costs, and they know we have enough for in state, but they seem to think they can get merit aid with their not so top grades and terrible study habits.

Your DC is a sophomore in high school and already knows they want to double major while in college? I find this hard to believe. Why are you bringing up college choices and discussing living far away from home when kid is only age 15? No wonder they are having panic attacks that wake them up in the middle of the night. You need to really relax and ease up on your kid.