My kid has no real concept on what college will cost overall.
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Anonymous
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Do/did yours? How did you upper middle class parents have this conversation with your kids and each other? DD wants to go out of state, kaching$ another $20 grand plus travel expenses each year for her and us parents to visit her.
My husband is delusional by telling me DD can go where she wants to go or can get in. He leads her on. He’s trying to be encouraging for her to do well enough to go. DD is only a sophomore, in 2 years college will probably increase another 25+%. DD is a home girl, close to us, has anxiety and some depression issues as it is. I don’t want to pay for emergency flights for her to come home too. Our state U is huge where I wish she would go but she’d be better at a small school. Private schools in state are just as expensive as out of state these days. If financed carefully, we could wing it with loans/cost for our two kids but i don’t want to be pinching it in my senior years/ we’re older parents. We are considered “affluent” status - on the ‘outside,’ as i don’t see financial aid coming in.😕 panicking already. |
Anonymous
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My Dd was oBlessed with going to CA for college. We stopped in at several colleges there while visiting family. We drove into UCSB and she said “I’m going here!” And by the time we drive out, she said “nope CA is too far from home for college”. My point is sometimes you need to let them reason these things out. If it’s purely finances, I’d say we can afford X, and if you get into a school that costs that,great, you can go. If not, you can’t go.
Does your DH just not have a clue or are you being a miser? |
Anonymous
| My DD does. She was accepted to Syracuse but said “too much money!” She’s choosing between two schools that have her generous merit aid. She says she doesn’t want loans and knows how much we have to give her for school. She gets it. |
Anonymous
| Where do you think DD is going to learn this information if you don’t educate her on it? But the bigger problem seems to be that it sounds like you and DH also have no idea how much college will cost and how much you can/want to afford. Start by figuring out how much you are can spend on it and then have some high level conversations about it with DD - we can spend up to X. In state costs Y. Private can cost up to Z. We might be able to afford Y and Z but only if you get this much merit aid. |
Anonymous
| My kid has a very clear sense of how college much college costs. IMO, a lot of this comes from her school and her peers -- she's in a city public school where many of her fellow students are eligible for free lunch. Fewer kids seem to have "champagne" taste there, but it also means she is less inclined to aim high, and she doesn't believe me when I tell her we've saved aggressively for college and can afford to send her wherever she wants to go. |
Anonymous
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We created a spreadsheet with how much we have saved and the cost of tuition/room/board at each school - and the gap between the two. We can float about an additional 5-7k/year (we have twins) but anything above that has to come from merit/loans. We were very clear, we didn't want them to graduate from undergrad with $$$$$ loans.
In the end, they selected an instate school that wasn't their #1, but I think they will be happy/fine. I think they would have loved their #1 (didn't go for a visit after they didn't give them any merit.) |
Anonymous
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You need to reign your husband in. While it may be disappointing for your DD to hear that you can only afford x, what is way more disappointing is to tell your DD that she can't go to a school she spent time applying to and getting into.
Even for our family which could afford to send our kids anywhere they wanted, cost/benefit was part of the discussion. |
Anonymous
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I think my kid understands. We’ve been visiting colleges and reviewing costs since the summer before HS. We told her what we’ll pay for but also that she can get loans. We’ve discussed applying to places she’d like to go that are outside of what we’ll pay for since maybe she’ll get merit aid.
Both parents are on the same page about this which really helps. |
Anonymous
We did this too - told them how much we could afford between 529 and cash flow, and that we would not allow them to go into debt for undergrad. And, left it up to them. One is AR an OOS flagship with merit, and one is at a SLAC with merit |
Anonymous
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has your kid never worked to know how much they can make an hour and how hard it is to, you know, earn money?
How else are they going to learn unless you explain it to them and they understand the value of a dollar? |
Anonymous
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Yes, both kids do, but only one cares. I was curious about this subject line because our senior is already saying how he hates that he has to be dependent on us for college, to the point I’m getting tired of hearing about it.
We didn’t have a conversation with either because we’re HHI and can afford it, but he’s always been fiercely independent and works a lot. He buys most of his stuff and has picked the school with the most merit aid, which really will be a great fit. The older sib works a lot during summer, so we don’t provide spending money. Though I suppose we’ve been having money conversations throughout their lives because DC1 scoffs at the price of things (like food, etc). I would start talking between the three of you. |
Anonymous
+1 yep. We told DC#1 to create a spreadsheet with the cost and app deadlines and acceptance notifications. DC#1 is level headed about finances. We've told DC#2 to do the same with the spreadsheets. However, DC #2 is like OP's DC, including the anxiety and depression. DC seems to think they will be fine far away. They said they wanted to go as far from me as possible because I nag them too much. I nag them about preparing for college (now a sophomore), studying for their APs, and keeping their room tidy. I don't expect top tier, or straight As, but I expect them to try their best. Still, that's too much because of their anxiety. DC has panic attacks off and on, and they come seeking me out in the middle of the night. When I ask DC about their panic attacks and living far from home, they seem to think they'll be fine. I've told DC many times how much OOS and privates costs. They are delusional. They seem to think they will be getting merit aid with their not so top scores and grades. They took a practice PSAT and got like 1200 or something. They took two AP tests last year and got a 2 and 3. I've offered to pay for tutoring, but they are adamant that they can do it on their own. I'm at a loss on how to bring DC down from their delusions. We've had a few arguments about studying for their AP tests coming up. My spouse thinks we should just let them fail, but I think college is too important to let them fail. And yes, DC is in therapy. I don't think it's helping. |
Anonymous
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Make a spreadsheet showing how long it takes to pay back college costs, including interest and investment opportunity costs, vs realistic income for career after major. Explain how it's far far harder for Gem Z to earn an income than Gen X.
Probably some websites do this for you. |
Anonymous
If she can't stand your nagging, she can move far away and get a job. She can go to college when she's ready to pay for it herself or work with you. |
Anonymous
AP courses are meaningless for this cohort. She doesn't need them. |