Feeling better/normal post-divorce?

[Anonymous]

It's been about 15 months since my (now ex) wife of 17 years left in the middle of the night. I've gradually come to accept that this is my life now, but as for "normal"—well, when it happens, I'll let you know.

One of my coping mechanisms has been to get out and do some stuff my ex wouldn't have been interested in doing. The combination of socialization and taking advantage of my new "freedom" helps, a bit. That may be harder to manage if you have kids, though.

I'm looking forward to that magical two-year mark.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's been about 15 months since my (now ex) wife of 17 years left in the middle of the night. I've gradually come to accept that this is my life now, but as for "normal"—well, when it happens, I'll let you know.

One of my coping mechanisms has been to get out and do some stuff my ex wouldn't have been interested in doing. The combination of socialization and taking advantage of my new "freedom" helps, a bit. That may be harder to manage if you have kids, though.

I'm looking forward to that magical two-year mark.

I am a PP and one that took two years almost to the day to feel normal. I did the above stuff too- I joined a few meetup groups and forced myself out of my comfort zone to try new things and meet people who didn’t know me as part of a couple. I also planned fun activities for myself on the weekends I didn’t have the kids.

But there’s really no way through but through and no amount of trying makes it fast forward. I will say I’m so much more of a stronger, independent woman than I ever was. And so much happier if I’m honest, even though I didn’t want the divorce. I enjoy doing things be myself (I never did before) and sometimes I really prefer that. I have learned to love the freedom and flexibility of not having to take anyone else’s opinion into consideration.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's been about 15 months since my (now ex) wife of 17 years left in the middle of the night. I've gradually come to accept that this is my life now, but as for "normal"—well, when it happens, I'll let you know.

One of my coping mechanisms has been to get out and do some stuff my ex wouldn't have been interested in doing. The combination of socialization and taking advantage of my new "freedom" helps, a bit. That may be harder to manage if you have kids, though.

I'm looking forward to that magical two-year mark.

I am a PP and one that took two years almost to the day to feel normal. I did the above stuff too- I joined a few meetup groups and forced myself out of my comfort zone to try new things and meet people who didn’t know me as part of a couple. I also planned fun activities for myself on the weekends I didn’t have the kids.

But there’s really no way through but through and no amount of trying makes it fast forward. I will say I’m so much more of a stronger, independent woman than I ever was. And so much happier if I’m honest, even though I didn’t want the divorce. I enjoy doing things be myself (I never did before) and sometimes I really prefer that. I have learned to love the freedom and flexibility of not having to take anyone else’s opinion into consideration.

I’m the OP, and thank you both – and everyone who has weighed in. The fast forward button is a total fantasy, like winning the lottery. I’m just tired of the endless noise in my head and pit in my stomach. It is tough with the kids, because STBX is focused purely on his new life and they feel it and comment on it. I find myself making excuses for him so they aren't angry or hurt and then I end up annoyed with myself for covering for him and him for being a jerk. It just sucks.

I’m having a hard time mentally adjusting, but it is really good to hear that there are people who had this thrust upon them and still came out the other side happier. I have a hard time imagining it, but I also never imagined this could happen and it did.

I am grateful for all of the kindness.

[Anonymous]

PP at 10:30. A few other notes about this:

- The "do what I want" therapy extends to decorating. There are a few home decorating elements that my ex didn't like or grudgingly tolerated. I've pulled several things out of boxes, or put them in more prominent positions, because they make me happy and I'm the only one I have to please now.

- My ex no longer talks to me (except for a few e-mails wrapping up final tax details). I'm honestly not sure whether that has helped or hurt the recovery process. On the one hand, it's made for more of a "clean break" and quashes any illusions (and hopes, and chances) I might have of us ever getting back together. On the other hand, it also quashes any hopes I'd had of being one of those divorced couples who managed to stay good friends after the divorce. And of course it's hard being without the person who was my best friend for 17+ years.

- On a related note, don't be afraid to lean on your support structure. My family and friends have been amazing. Not all your friends will be able to help in the same way, of course. My closest friend has listened to endless whining and moping. Other friends have been helped by going out to drinks or dinners, or to shows, or other occasions where going with my wife would have been the default. And of course there were some friends who, when I talked to them shortly after the divorce, were kind and listened, but the gist of their advice was to get a therapist. I took the hint that this meant that they were not interested in being my pro bono therapists (which is fine) and didn't lean on them as much for that sort of support.

- Speaking of therapists, it's up to you. I haven't gotten one, mostly because it seems like the main thing I need is time and a therapist would just someone I'd have pay to vent to while I waited for that time to pass. But lots of people I know swear by them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was the primary breadwinner so when my exH left I wasn’t faced with a dismal financial future. After a few months of being pretty miserable I realized that being miserable was an anchor I needed to throw overboard so I got very busy with my kids, friends, working out, simply avoiding spending time thinking about the divorce and the failure of my marriage. At the one year mark I think I was in a good place and realized I was much better off and happier. I also got a big promotion and that really helped. It been almost three years now and I’m dating a very nice guy and the relationship has been very good for me. Early on my brother said keep your eyes looking over the front hood of the car and don’t look at the rear view mirror. He was right.

love this brotherly advice.