“I don’t want to behave like this anymore”…helping our explosive 8 year old

[Anonymous]

Thank you all.

We are very protective of our little one. We do explain to him without making excuses and try hard to shower him with attention and support.

I agree it is very promising that he’s self aware enough to say he wants to change.
But in the moment, he is SCREAMING. We can’t seem to get him to stop.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thank you all.

We are very protective of our little one. We do explain to him without making excuses and try hard to shower him with attention and support.

I agree it is very promising that he’s self aware enough to say he wants to change.
But in the moment, he is SCREAMING. We can’t seem to get him to stop.

You need to remove your little one when the older one gets this worked up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thank you all.

We are very protective of our little one. We do explain to him without making excuses and try hard to shower him with attention and support.

I agree it is very promising that he’s self aware enough to say he wants to change.
But in the moment, he is SCREAMING. We can’t seem to get him to stop.

We do.

You need to remove your little one when the older one gets this worked up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thank you all.

We are very protective of our little one. We do explain to him without making excuses and try hard to shower him with attention and support.

I agree it is very promising that he’s self aware enough to say he wants to change.
But in the moment, he is SCREAMING. We can’t seem to get him to stop.

You need to remove your little one when the older one gets this worked up.

We do. It’s a LOT in the moment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thank you all.

We are very protective of our little one. We do explain to him without making excuses and try hard to shower him with attention and support.

I agree it is very promising that he’s self aware enough to say he wants to change.
But in the moment, he is SCREAMING. We can’t seem to get him to stop.

You need to remove your little one when the older one gets this worked up.

We do. It’s a LOT in the moment.

I mean immediately, not after unfair words are yelled at him, his artwork is ripped up, and then he gets punched.

[Anonymous]

Sorry, OP, we know how hard this is. I could have written this exact post 5-6 years ago—the younger sibling, the physicality, the complaint about the perceived unfairness that led to it all, and the post-meltdown recognition that something is wrong/desire not to have this happen.

It took a lot—time, money, tears, nearly tore our marriage apart—but things have gotten SO much better. Ours is 13 now. There’s light at the end of the tunnel.

You’ve gotten some good advice here, I’d add just a few things:

Relentless trial and error. On meds, therapies, daily structure, techniques during meltdowns. It’s anecdotal, but in retrospect I feel like we knew if something was helping or not within a few weeks. If not, move on.

Proper diagnosis is essential. It’s really difficult, there are very good and caring doctors who may miss things. For us, it was finding a doctor who diagnosed ASD in addition to ADHD and some ancillary stuff. It explained so much more, helped us identify techniques that actually help, set us on the right path for meds and therapies, helped us target the right school environment. All of those are critical.

The same effort you devote to helping the older sibling needs to be devoted to protecting the younger one. We were conscious of this at the time and overall I think we did pretty well, but looking back I wish we’d done a little more. It’s so hard to anticipate every meltdown, have eyes on constantly, deal with it properly when it’s like a bomb just went off, not to mention hauling older sibling to appointment after appointment and struggling to find time to breathe, but there’s another little soul there that is probably terrified and understands even less than you do. Make sure you’re checking in there as well.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

DBT skills. Insteppc.com

[Anonymous]

Since he feels bad about it, I think a lot of the consequences should focus on him making amends to his brother. His brother gets special time with parents, picks the TV show, gets to go play after dinner while older brother cleans the kitchen. If you can tantrum proof a spot in the house, stick the tantrum kid there and focus on the little one. Or have a spot that is fun for the younger one and send him during the tantrum so he can be safe.

[Anonymous]

Ideally you get in a DBT-C program (that is DBT for younger children and their parents). It will consist of six months of weekly training sessions for both parents and then child sessions will start.

Once both parents start following the framework in their interactions with the kid, the kid’s behavior will start to improve.

[Anonymous]

Parent coaching with a therapist who specializes in challenging behaviors was the thing that we found most helpful. We were doing all the wrong things in the moment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Since he feels bad about it, I think a lot of the consequences should focus on him making amends to his brother. His brother gets special time with parents, picks the TV show, gets to go play after dinner while older brother cleans the kitchen. If you can tantrum proof a spot in the house, stick the tantrum kid there and focus on the little one. Or have a spot that is fun for the younger one and send him during the tantrum so he can be safe.

So, we’ve tried this. But he refuses to move and often says he’s afraid he’ll damage something if he’s put some where. He says “no I can’t go I’ll break something”…so we’re learning when he gets mad, he’s getting physical.
We brainstormed a punching bag but he won’t MOVE to a spot to punch, he just screams where he is (kitchen/living room).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:While you are figuring out the medication piece, read about Ross Greene's collaborative problem solving. He knows what he's doing is wrong, so your imposing consequences is just exacerbating the shame cycle without giving him tools to improve.

i am so anti ross greene. it's SO unworkable. I mean there are some core tenets there. but zero other ppl in your child's life are going to do this with them PLUS it's so impossible to put into practice they have whole facebook groups where people ask insane questions about very very specific situations and still can't work it out.

op - you need: adhd medication and parent training (not ross greene but someone to work 1:1 with you and set up a system that is practicable for your life).
we have the same issue and have had success with the above.

[Anonymous]

+1 that 1:1 therapy for kids with adhd and emotional outbursts is useless. they do not have the regulation and the impulse control to use any of the techniques learned in 1:1 therapy in the moment. School, parents and meds.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Since he feels bad about it, I think a lot of the consequences should focus on him making amends to his brother. His brother gets special time with parents, picks the TV show, gets to go play after dinner while older brother cleans the kitchen. If you can tantrum proof a spot in the house, stick the tantrum kid there and focus on the little one. Or have a spot that is fun for the younger one and send him during the tantrum so he can be safe.

So, we’ve tried this. But he refuses to move and often says he’s afraid he’ll damage something if he’s put some where. He says “no I can’t go I’ll break something”…so we’re learning when he gets mad, he’s getting physical.
We brainstormed a punching bag but he won’t MOVE to a spot to punch, he just screams where he is (kitchen/living room).

Pp had two suggestions. To make a fun, safe spot for the youngest to go. Do that one then.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Since he feels bad about it, I think a lot of the consequences should focus on him making amends to his brother. His brother gets special time with parents, picks the TV show, gets to go play after dinner while older brother cleans the kitchen. If you can tantrum proof a spot in the house, stick the tantrum kid there and focus on the little one. Or have a spot that is fun for the younger one and send him during the tantrum so he can be safe.

So, we’ve tried this. But he refuses to move and often says he’s afraid he’ll damage something if he’s put some where. He says “no I can’t go I’ll break something”…so we’re learning when he gets mad, he’s getting physical.
We brainstormed a punching bag but he won’t MOVE to a spot to punch, he just screams where he is (kitchen/living room).

Pp had two suggestions. To make a fun, safe spot for the youngest to go. Do that one then.

For a while we had to do this. But I went with the younger one who was usually scared and upset (and frankly too young to be alone much - think 2/3 - we had a bigger age gap).

My older child is now doing much better and rarely gets physical anymore but has said some really terrible things to their sibling. I now require them to leave the room. I honestly don’t know if it’s the right thing to do but I had a vicious older sibling and won’t allow my younger one to be put through the same. Honestly it’s been incredibly painful to see my child improve at school and socially and then come home and unload on their sibling. I understand they are working hard all day and we time medication to be optimized for school but it’s still really really painful.