“I don’t want to behave like this anymore”…helping our explosive 8 year old

[Anonymous]

Our 8.5 year old son doesn’t have a formal diagnosis but is a mix of adhd, anxiety, spectrum…

We’ve been working for years on emotions and regulation. Yesterday after one of his worse tantrums he cried, “I don’t want to behave like this anymore” which I thought was such an amazingly astute observation.

He had gotten mad at his little brother and we quickly tried to deescalate him (breathe, let’s go to your calm space) but it didn’t work and he yelled more, ripped up artwork, and ultimately ended up punching his brother.

We give out consequences, of course, but it makes it soooo much worse.

“None of this would have happened if you had told Little Brother he couldn’t do X, then I wouldn’t be angry!”

We struggle so much…we need to deescalate him, but we also don’t want little brother to see us giving so much comfort to the brother while he’s yelling, saying unkind things, and destroying work from the refrigerator.
In the moment nothing works…strategies (breath, squeeze this ball)…he gets very angry very fast.

We’ll talk with him today when he’s calm and see what he says…

Any kind advice is welcome.

[Anonymous]

Get evaluated, in therapy for the child and parenting help for the parents.

[Anonymous]

I’m so sorry. My son would have similar outburst. Medication, cbt, and a little maturity helped him. I really think medication was most helpful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m so sorry. My son would have similar outburst. Medication, cbt, and a little maturity helped him. I really think medication was most helpful.

Medication for what? Anxiety or adhd?

[Anonymous]

This sounds like my 8 year old who was diagnosed with adhd. Emotional dysregulation is a core part of adhd, which I didn’t really know until we went down the path of trying to figure out what was going on. We did OT for a while, and then started meds because the emotional reactiveness was impacting friendships at school and causing my child to feel bad about themselves. They knew their behavior wasn’t in line with others and kept saying “I’m always the bad kid.” The meds made a world of difference. They enabled my child to use the tools they learned to regulate their emotions.

I suggest starting with a formal diagnosis and figure out options from there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Get evaluated, in therapy for the child and parenting help for the parents.

So, in all our talks with dev peds we’ve heard that talk therapy doesn’t work with adhd kids…he’s in OT and has lots of physical activities and we have a HOST of resources and strategies, but in the moment nothing works.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m so sorry. My son would have similar outburst. Medication, cbt, and a little maturity helped him. I really think medication was most helpful.

Medication for what? Anxiety or adhd?

You need an evaluation to figure it out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Get evaluated, in therapy for the child and parenting help for the parents.

So, in all our talks with dev peds we’ve heard that talk therapy doesn’t work with adhd kids…he’s in OT and has lots of physical activities and we have a HOST of resources and strategies, but in the moment nothing works.

Why not try it given everything else has not worked.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This sounds like my 8 year old who was diagnosed with adhd. Emotional dysregulation is a core part of adhd, which I didn’t really know until we went down the path of trying to figure out what was going on. We did OT for a while, and then started meds because the emotional reactiveness was impacting friendships at school and causing my child to feel bad about themselves. They knew their behavior wasn’t in line with others and kept saying “I’m always the bad kid.” The meds made a world of difference. They enabled my child to use the tools they learned to regulate their emotions.

I suggest starting with a formal diagnosis and figure out options from there.

Thank you.

I will add he is PERFECT at school and on play dates and with others. This is a home only issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This sounds like my 8 year old who was diagnosed with adhd. Emotional dysregulation is a core part of adhd, which I didn’t really know until we went down the path of trying to figure out what was going on. We did OT for a while, and then started meds because the emotional reactiveness was impacting friendships at school and causing my child to feel bad about themselves. They knew their behavior wasn’t in line with others and kept saying “I’m always the bad kid.” The meds made a world of difference. They enabled my child to use the tools they learned to regulate their emotions.

I suggest starting with a formal diagnosis and figure out options from there.

+1 6 year old with adhd. Meds have been the only thing that significantly helped. I would seek a formal diagnosis though my son did have the symptoms across environments (school too)

[Anonymous]

While you are figuring out the medication piece, read about Ross Greene's collaborative problem solving. He knows what he's doing is wrong, so your imposing consequences is just exacerbating the shame cycle without giving him tools to improve.

[Anonymous]

Aw. My kiddo does the same. I highly highly recommend a psychologist skilled in PCIT to help you set up an effective discipline plan. Also all of Dr Kazdin’s books. I believe he discusses how to handle sibling issues as part of an overall behavioral plan.

The fact that he is self-aware about his behavior is really promising - he probably will respond quickly to a well designed behavioral plan.

[Anonymous]

Poor little guy. It’s wonderful he’s asking for help. Get an evaluation and then you’ll have a better idea of how to proceed. My kid has ASD/Anxiety/ADHD. When he was 8, he was on Abilify as a mood stabilizer, Zoloft for anxiety, and Focalin for ADHD. As he matured we were able to eliminate Abilify. If you read the literature you’ll find that ADHD and Anxiety tend to travel together. The trick is to figure out which one is dominating and treat that first. That’s where a good evaluation and child psychiatrist come in.

As for your younger child, explain to him that older DS has a disability. It’s hidden so it’s harder to comprehend. But if DS had a physical disability, he might need more of your time to get in and out the car. His hidden disability is similar—he needs more of your time for regulation. Kids are really good about understanding what their siblings need. The sooner it just becomes the way it is, the easier to live with. That’s not to say younger DS won’t ever get resentful but it might go along way in helping him understand the differences between the 2 of them.

Good luck. Your little guy is asking for help and so are you. You’re a great mom raising great kids.

[Anonymous]

Agree with eval and meds. Also you need to separate them when he gets like this since he can't calm down. If he's too worked up to be removed, you remove the younger one. He shouldn't have to listen to the mean words or deal with being punched.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Poor little guy. It’s wonderful he’s asking for help. Get an evaluation and then you’ll have a better idea of how to proceed. My kid has ASD/Anxiety/ADHD. When he was 8, he was on Abilify as a mood stabilizer, Zoloft for anxiety, and Focalin for ADHD. As he matured we were able to eliminate Abilify. If you read the literature you’ll find that ADHD and Anxiety tend to travel together. The trick is to figure out which one is dominating and treat that first. That’s where a good evaluation and child psychiatrist come in.

As for your younger child, explain to him that older DS has a disability. It’s hidden so it’s harder to comprehend. But if DS had a physical disability, he might need more of your time to get in and out the car. His hidden disability is similar—he needs more of your time for regulation. Kids are really good about understanding what their siblings need. The sooner it just becomes the way it is, the easier to live with. That’s not to say younger DS won’t ever get resentful but it might go along way in helping him understand the differences between the 2 of them.

Good luck. Your little guy is asking for help and so are you. You’re a great mom raising great kids.

I agree with this to a certain extent but I grew up like the younger sibling. And yes, I understood my sibling's mental health issues but it still was pretty miserable that I was told to put up with being treated horribly by sibling because of their issues. There has to be a balance between helping the younger child understand the disability and supporting the younger child when they are punched, being thrown insults at, and having their work destroyed. I was more resentful of my parents than I was of my sibling.