No, I will not sit on your couch all week

[Anonymous]

My parents are like this, too. They also only want one-sided conversations and get confused if I tell them anything that is actually going on with me, so I keep the visits to a few hours at most and I just listen.

Can you stay in a hotel so they can have their time with you but you can also have time to enjoy the area?

They may withdraw because they feel overwhelmed by the activity and don’t want to say so. That happens with my ILs and got much better when we started doing this.

[Anonymous]

I should add, MIL complained that we stayed in a hotel to us the first few times we did this but later I could tell she appreciated it because she started complaining to DH about her relatives that visit and take her up on her offer. She’s very passive aggressive like that.

[Anonymous]

I feel you. My husband's dad and stepmom live in Dallas, as do his mom and stepdad. We visit once a year for a week and divide our time between them. My MIL and her husband are active people so visiting them is always fun. We'll go to good restaurants, see the Arboretum, go to a museum, the state fair, whatever. My FIL and his wife are great people, but they have a variety of health concerns and are definitely homebodies. For years visits with them involved sitting on the couch talking, watching movies, eating, and being molested by their German Shepherd. Finally we realized it was up to us to break up the monotony. Now we bring fun board games, plan outings, go for walks, go out to the mall, etc. For the outings we always ask if they'd like to come along or if there is anything we can get for them while we are out. Invariably we end up going to Wal-Mart to pick up the huge bag of dry dog food and the canned dog food that is too heavy for them to manage.

[Anonymous]

Just make plans and invite them. Something along the line of, "Hey, I heard about the XYZ Museum and I think little Janie would get a kick out of it. We're going to head there on Thursday morning if anyone wants to come along."

[Anonymous]

10:02 here - I should add that for our visits we always rent a car and stay in a hotel that's equidistant from both sets of in-laws. This way we have our own space and don't have to pack and unpack.

[Anonymous]

I'm in the camp of do whatever you can do to survive the visits. My in-laws not only don't leave the house but they live in a depressing place and their idea of fun is cooking all day. I dealt with it for years but over time started visiting less and staying in hotels when I do so I'm not forced to be a sous chef 24/7. I arrive at the house after coffee and exercise at the hotel and escape back to the hotel as needed.

[Anonymous]

I would have had a talk with your DH about this dynamic well before the trip. But better late than never. Just say you'd like to get out of the house every day, either for a bigger excursion or for a walk/playground/coffee shop. Having him on board is important.

I'd also communicate to your inlaws when you get there. "We were thinking of going to the Museum tomorrow, leaving here around 9am. Would you like to join us? Tickets are on us!"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just make plans and invite them. Something along the line of, "Hey, I heard about the XYZ Museum and I think little Janie would get a kick out of it. We're going to head there on Thursday morning if anyone wants to come along."

+1

[Anonymous]

My MIL and parents live in Europe, OP. We fly 8hrs to visit them. When we go to MIL's we sit in her apartment. I do not consider it "wasted" time. She deserves our attention and time.

If you visit your in-laws often and feel restricted, maybe you can just say: "Today I'm planning to visit X, Y, Z with the kids, and we'll return in the afternoon." And then spend the afternoon and evening with them. Your husband can spend the entire visit at their home if he wants. You can go to your own thing, and show your kids around the city.

It's OK to be independent, as long as you give your in-laws some of your time.

[Anonymous]

This thread is giving me anxiety just reading it.

I basically have to plan every single thing out ahead of time by myself. When my dad visits, he will sit on our sofa and stare at his phone. He'll get bored and expect me to have plans for him every single day he visits even though part of his visit inevitably involves me cooking all day for Thanksgiving (that's the only week of the year he visits). When we visit him, I have to look for interesting activities and plan them ahead of time because he barely ever makes suggestions though he's more than happy to go with us as long as we buy him expensive meals out.

My mom and step father would come and visit our home for WAY too long and expect me to plan everything out ahead of time so they aren't bored. Even down to planning restaurants. I would ask where they'd want to go to eat or what they'd want to do and they'd say (direct quote) "We want to do what you want to do". Then we would do the thing I wanted to do and they would complain or the restaurant is too expensive or WHATEVER. I got so sick of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My inlaws were like that. They lived about an hour away from San Francisco, so there were actually a lot of fun/interesting things to do within driving distance.
But wow, would they get IRATE if we actually wanted to go do any of them. If we were there, we were expected to sit in their house, and help them with home improvement projects.
One time we just wanted to go out for coffee and were berated about how we were wasting money (I mean, it was our money, it's not like we were expecting them to pay!)

We just stopped visiting.

Same we stopped visiting. Just not worth it. I can sit on the phone with you if that's all you want to do no need for the expense and time of an in person visit anymore.

I def get this. I do!!! But imagine if your SIL/DIL decided this if they disagreed with any dynamic of visiting you.

I like the options of trying to make it work…. You only have 10 or so more Spring Breaks to visit them in this stage of life. Not going, if it gets to that, is pretty extreme

[Anonymous]

This is my experience as well...and they live at the beach! Why would we go for a walk when we can watch Hallmark or HGTV?

I seriously invent things I forgot so we can get out of the house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your child gives you a natural way to do this - a 3 year old (then 4, 5, etc...) can't just sit around a house the way a baby or toddler could. So you can use "Janie has to get out and run or we'll all pay the price!" as your get out of jail card.

Sounds like you'll definitely have to do the planning yourself though, and maybe be prepared for it just to be you and your daughter going out.

Absolutely this. I was in the same boat and having kids changed everything. Instead of it being a "me" problem, it's doing what's best for the kids.

Just go on the outings you want and don't look back!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm laughing and crying at how many people have the same issue. Boston! San Francisco! Imagine.

Sounds good - I'll just plan some outings. We're not staying with them, which makes this a bit easier. But wow do I relate to feeling like a hostage.

Same. Love that's it's people near these big cities that have lots of fun and kid-friendly things to do and that tourists specifically seek out!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH and I live across the country from both sets of parents, which each live in major cities. Not necessarily hot tourist areas, but not the middle of nowhere Iowa, either. When we visit mine, we usually see some sights, eat out at places we don't have here, and just generally have fun in a new area. When we visit his, we...sit at their house.

We're leaving tomorrow for spring break, and I'm dreading it. I don't mind socializing with them (I like them!) but I'm not going to drive 15 hours/fly 3 to watch TV. This has been going on for five years now, and I think I need to start a change before I'm 60 and still doing it. DH is a homebody and no help. Any suggestions?

I'd make my own plans when in their town, and dh can spend time with his parents. Assuming you rent a car and can drive places. Break it up with a museum visit, stores, sights...just for yourself if necessary.

Yup, this. You should meet for a meal a day if possible. Otherwise go out and explore on your own.