No, I will not sit on your couch all week

[Anonymous]

DH and I live across the country from both sets of parents, which each live in major cities. Not necessarily hot tourist areas, but not the middle of nowhere Iowa, either. When we visit mine, we usually see some sights, eat out at places we don't have here, and just generally have fun in a new area. When we visit his, we...sit at their house.

We're leaving tomorrow for spring break, and I'm dreading it. I don't mind socializing with them (I like them!) but I'm not going to drive 15 hours/fly 3 to watch TV. This has been going on for five years now, and I think I need to start a change before I'm 60 and still doing it. DH is a homebody and no help. Any suggestions?

[Anonymous]

Can you find an activity for each day you’re there? Some historical site or quirky museum? I assume you’ll have a car?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH and I live across the country from both sets of parents, which each live in major cities. Not necessarily hot tourist areas, but not the middle of nowhere Iowa, either. When we visit mine, we usually see some sights, eat out at places we don't have here, and just generally have fun in a new area. When we visit his, we...sit at their house.

We're leaving tomorrow for spring break, and I'm dreading it. I don't mind socializing with them (I like them!) but I'm not going to drive 15 hours/fly 3 to watch TV. This has been going on for five years now, and I think I need to start a change before I'm 60 and still doing it. DH is a homebody and no help. Any suggestions?

I'd make my own plans when in their town, and dh can spend time with his parents. Assuming you rent a car and can drive places. Break it up with a museum visit, stores, sights...just for yourself if necessary.

[Anonymous]

Yes, we'll have a car. Is it rude to take our 3-year-old to do things? I definitely don't want to be that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH and I live across the country from both sets of parents, which each live in major cities. Not necessarily hot tourist areas, but not the middle of nowhere Iowa, either. When we visit mine, we usually see some sights, eat out at places we don't have here, and just generally have fun in a new area. When we visit his, we...sit at their house.

We're leaving tomorrow for spring break, and I'm dreading it. I don't mind socializing with them (I like them!) but I'm not going to drive 15 hours/fly 3 to watch TV. This has been going on for five years now, and I think I need to start a change before I'm 60 and still doing it. DH is a homebody and no help. Any suggestions?

I'd make my own plans when in their town, and dh can spend time with his parents. Assuming you rent a car and can drive places. Break it up with a museum visit, stores, sights...just for yourself if necessary.

+1
I completely know what you’re talking about because my husband‘s family is the same way. We finally were able to break the pattern of sitting and staring. It wasn’t really difficult. Somebody just needs to take the initiative to announce that you’re going for a walk. Obviously offer for them to come with you and when they decline you still go.

Or if he doesn’t want to sit on the couch either just tell them hey we’re going to go visit or walk around this place after breakfast, after lunch whatever. Start setting up the same dynamic you have at your house.

[Anonymous]

I share that situation and my in laws have gotten older to the point where they can not get out much so that makes it even harder. My kids are older so they are not there to play with etc.

I take walks...luckily they will in a beautiful area. Sometimes I can sell DH on doing one outing but I think he feels guilty so mostly it is FOXNews and eating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, we'll have a car. Is it rude to take our 3-year-old to do things? I definitely don't want to be that.

I don't think it is rude as long as she also has plenty of time with them. Just announce that she needs to have some time to run around..

[Anonymous]

you let your dh know in advance that you need to get out every day. I am extroverted so I think i would literally go crazy if I had to do that. A couple of options: the whole group goes, your immediately family goes, you go with your DH and the in laws watch the kids, you go solo. Each day you do one of these these things except maybe the first day, last day, and one in between.

Vacation time and financial resources are too short to waste them sitting around all day.

[Anonymous]

Your child gives you a natural way to do this - a 3 year old (then 4, 5, etc...) can't just sit around a house the way a baby or toddler could. So you can use "Janie has to get out and run or we'll all pay the price!" as your get out of jail card.

Sounds like you'll definitely have to do the planning yourself though, and maybe be prepared for it just to be you and your daughter going out.

[Anonymous]

My inlaws were like that. They lived about an hour away from San Francisco, so there were actually a lot of fun/interesting things to do within driving distance.
But wow, would they get IRATE if we actually wanted to go do any of them. If we were there, we were expected to sit in their house, and help them with home improvement projects.
One time we just wanted to go out for coffee and were berated about how we were wasting money (I mean, it was our money, it's not like we were expecting them to pay!)

We just stopped visiting.

[Anonymous]

Hi. In laws in Boston and same dynamic. They also would do things like plan a big meal for like 3 pm so you never had a full day to actually go and do anything. They had a long driveway that was only one lane and there would be like five cars parking you in so you were literally trapped. If you ever suggested wanting to leave you would have to coax five other people that you deserved to leave so they would move their cars. This could take hours. It was like being held hostage! WE took out kids to the aquarium once and got endless lectures about how we wasted money. Weirdly enough they have a second home I. Florida which they also never leave, never go to the beach etc.

[Anonymous]

This is a challenge at my ILs. Can you go for less time? I try to find things for us to do, but my DH isn't much help. When my kids were young I found a playground in their small town (they didn't know it existed) and I would guilt MIL into taking us to their local library. Its harder now with older kids. There's lots of time spent with everyone on their devises. The kids and I go to a local coffee shop some mornings. My ILs would never dream of paying for coffee but my kids just tell them "we like supporting local businesses." I also have come up with a lot of random reasons why we need to go to Dollar General cause at least it gets us out of the house and sometimes the kids find toys to keep them occupied for a while. We also take walks around their neighborhood and hear all the local gossip about who built an illegal garage or have put up a fence to close to the property line. I also normally bring a book and escape to our room around 9pm to watch Netflix on my ipad. Just keep your expectations low.

[Anonymous]

I'm laughing and crying at how many people have the same issue. Boston! San Francisco! Imagine.

Sounds good - I'll just plan some outings. We're not staying with them, which makes this a bit easier. But wow do I relate to feeling like a hostage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, we'll have a car. Is it rude to take our 3-year-old to do things? I definitely don't want to be that.

Not.at.all.

If they are not accommodating any sight seeing day trips or outings, feel free too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My inlaws were like that. They lived about an hour away from San Francisco, so there were actually a lot of fun/interesting things to do within driving distance.
But wow, would they get IRATE if we actually wanted to go do any of them. If we were there, we were expected to sit in their house, and help them with home improvement projects.
One time we just wanted to go out for coffee and were berated about how we were wasting money (I mean, it was our money, it's not like we were expecting them to pay!)

We just stopped visiting.

Same we stopped visiting. Just not worth it. I can sit on the phone with you if that's all you want to do no need for the expense and time of an in person visit anymore.