Tell me about not agreeing with your siblings about the next step for a parent

[Anonymous]

Clearly reasonable people can have a different opinion. OP, who's local? Who's going to organize all-this-extra-help? The person *most* inconvenienced should realized they are the one who will have to step-up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Assisted Living is a higher level of care than Independent Living, right?

If money is not an issue, why on earth would that switch pose a problem for the children of a woman in her 90s?!?

I don't get it.

The level of care goes from independent living to assisted living to skilled nursing (body) or memory care (mind)

Siblings are concerned that she won't be happy in AL, which I agree is a risk. But she's unhappy because she is confused (she says, often, that she's confused) and knows her memory is failing (although sometimes it fails and she doesn't realize: "No one told me that," when I was sitting right there when someone did tell her that)

Why? What are the things they do differently there that would make her more unhappy than she currently is?

Can she visit AL without living there?

[Anonymous]

AL is still not that much help and she may require someone coming in. She will need memory care sooner or later, is grief driving the resistance toward AL?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Clearly reasonable people can have a different opinion. OP, who's local? Who's going to organize all-this-extra-help? The person *most* inconvenienced should realized they are the one who will have to step-up.

As someone who lived 3+ hours away from our parents by plane, I elected to listen to those siblings living closer. If I had lived locally, I would've probably done a number of things differently from my brother. But I didn't, so I kept my mouth shut. The only time I weighed in was when I was handling paperwork and needed him to make local visits for me (he had POA, not me) to handle getting signatures, move money, etc. He never balked there as he knew I couldn't do it (and was also relieved someone else was handling it).

[Anonymous]

Yay, "boots on the ground" decides

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yay, "boots on the ground" decides

This, whoever is most impacted is the one who should make the decision. That said, if mom wants AL and can afford it and it's LESS work for sibling nearby that should be honored. They have to understand there is often an adjustment period where the elderly parent is a unhappy and also sometimes just aging makes them unhappy wherever they are. I would be much more willing to move a parent who WANTS more care and wants AL to AL and then you know even if she is unhappy you honored her wishes. The big issue is when mom insists on say aging at home which is a ton of unappreciated work for an adult child coordinating care and other siblings who can't do much to help want to honor her wishes.

[Anonymous]

She probably won't be happy in Assisted Living, but she also will not be happy with hiring aides to care for her. It's a really hard transition, to have strangers in your house, caring for you.

[Anonymous]

One thing that helped navigate these decisions for us was focusing on Mom's safety and Mom's wishes. We could prevent her getting sick/old/dying - but we could know that we gave her the dignity of making decisions for herself for as long as possible.

So I tried to steer away from pitched battles w/ my siblings when we disagreed and instead came at it from allowing my mother to continue to manage her life as she saw fit.

FWIW, I'm totally team Mom in your scenario. If she wants a solution with more built in support then she possibly knows she needs it. If she will feel more comfortable in AL then honor that. When someone confesses to feeling uneasy, aware of decline, etc... it's usually much worse than they're letting on (or than you want to face).

Also, managing levels of care/service/attention is HARD. It's an ongoing difficult job. Let a facility manage as much of that as possible and focus on spending time w/ your mom in ways that will drain you less and maximize the quality of the time you have with her.

GOod luck OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like your mom knows what she’s doing. AL will be significantly cheaper than hiring help.

Luckily, money is not a concern.

Unluckily, one sibling talked to a friend who told her that the way to go is IL with tons of hired help. I'm assuming that was true for the friend's parent, but I'm not convinced it's true for mine.

Oh, Lordy. My sibling is the same. Talks to one friend and bases some ideas and preferences off of it.

We use AL because the care is there and we don’t have to manage who does what.

[Anonymous]

If she wants to go to AL then by all means let her do so. When my mom was in IL and had a fall she was given a choice of returning to IL with 24/7 caregivers or AL. She chose AL and it was the correct choice. She gets to eat with other residents every day. She gets nurses keeping an eye on her health. For a while at least, we had no worries about caregivers not showing up/stealing things/being incompetent/whatever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom (90s) is in IL at a CCRC and was going to move to a smaller unit, then announced that she wants to move to AL instead. Some of her children are trying to talk her out of it in favor of the smaller unit and a ton of additional help. Others think it should be her decision. We all (including my mom) agree that there are some issues with memory.

If you went through this, what helped resolve it?

Can someone spell out the acronyms here? Some of us are just entering this phase and learning.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom (90s) is in IL at a CCRC and was going to move to a smaller unit, then announced that she wants to move to AL instead. Some of her children are trying to talk her out of it in favor of the smaller unit and a ton of additional help. Others think it should be her decision. We all (including my mom) agree that there are some issues with memory.

If you went through this, what helped resolve it?

Can someone spell out the acronyms here? Some of us are just entering this phase and learning.

IL - independent living
AL - Assisted living
SN - Skilled Nursing (traditional nursing home)
CCRC - Continuing Care Retirement Community, a facility that typically starts with IL and can go all the way to SN for a person.
https://seniorservicesofamerica.com/blog/what-is-a-continuing-care-retirement-community/

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom (90s) is in IL at a CCRC and was going to move to a smaller unit, then announced that she wants to move to AL instead. Some of her children are trying to talk her out of it in favor of the smaller unit and a ton of additional help. Others think it should be her decision. We all (including my mom) agree that there are some issues with memory.

If you went through this, what helped resolve it?

Can someone spell out the acronyms here? Some of us are just entering this phase and learning.

IL - independent living
AL - Assisted living
SN - Skilled Nursing (traditional nursing home)
CCRC - Continuing Care Retirement Community, a facility that typically starts with IL and can go all the way to SN for a person.
https://seniorservicesofamerica.com/blog/what-is-a-continuing-care-retirement-community/

I also highly recommend the book “Being Mortal” to get some perspective on the Assisted Living movement and how it differs from traditional nursing homes. And just for its reflections on aging and end-of-life care. It’s a very good book.

[Anonymous]

It’s better to go to AL sooner rather than later. Our mom has mild to moderate dementia and if we had waited much longer she would not have adjusted so well. It’s hard to meet new people and get a new routine and only gets harder as your memory dwindles. For what it’s worth our mom loves assisted living. She goes to all of the activities and doesn’t need too much day to day help but likes having her meals prepared and brought to her room if she is tired etc.

[Anonymous]

In Assisted Living, my parents have more social interaction on one trip walking down the hall than they use to have during an entire week in their home.