Tell me about not agreeing with your siblings about the next step for a parent

[Anonymous]

My mom (90s) is in IL at a CCRC and was going to move to a smaller unit, then announced that she wants to move to AL instead. Some of her children are trying to talk her out of it in favor of the smaller unit and a ton of additional help. Others think it should be her decision. We all (including my mom) agree that there are some issues with memory.

If you went through this, what helped resolve it?

[Anonymous]

Sounds like your mom knows what she’s doing. AL will be significantly cheaper than hiring help.

[Anonymous]

Who will be organizing the help and backing up for the help when it does not show?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like your mom knows what she’s doing. AL will be significantly cheaper than hiring help.

Luckily, money is not a concern.

Unluckily, one sibling talked to a friend who told her that the way to go is IL with tons of hired help. I'm assuming that was true for the friend's parent, but I'm not convinced it's true for mine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Who will be organizing the help and backing up for the help when it does not show?

Organizing, probably the siblings. Backing up....well, none of us lives all that close.

[Anonymous]

The truth is that there is no right answer. Sometimes assisted living can’t provide the needed care, so you end up with assisted living and hired care givers. And sometimes you do IL with care givers, but they don’t show up and managing it is a real stressor.

Since there is no right way I think your mom’s autonomy and right to make her own decisions trumps all else.

[Anonymous]

Is there a CCRC person that is liked by the family who could recommend? Is there an associated physician?

I'd say whichever environment makes it easier, to then, get into an even higher level care later.

[Anonymous]

If SHE is the one who wants to move to a higher level of care, it’s wrong to try to prevent that. I’m confused why the siblings would interfere. It’s her decision.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like your mom knows what she’s doing. AL will be significantly cheaper than hiring help.

Luckily, money is not a concern.

Unluckily, one sibling talked to a friend who told her that the way to go is IL with tons of hired help. I'm assuming that was true for the friend's parent, but I'm not convinced it's true for mine.

Even at 20 per hour, 10 hours a day that’s $73,000 a year and you’ll need at least two people who will get sick and want to take vacations. Who will manage that? The sibling who wants it?

[Anonymous]

Assisted Living is a higher level of care than Independent Living, right?

If money is not an issue, why on earth would that switch pose a problem for the children of a woman in her 90s?!?

I don't get it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Assisted Living is a higher level of care than Independent Living, right?

If money is not an issue, why on earth would that switch pose a problem for the children of a woman in her 90s?!?

I don't get it.

The level of care goes from independent living to assisted living to skilled nursing (body) or memory care (mind)

Siblings are concerned that she won't be happy in AL, which I agree is a risk. But she's unhappy because she is confused (she says, often, that she's confused) and knows her memory is failing (although sometimes it fails and she doesn't realize: "No one told me that," when I was sitting right there when someone did tell her that)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Assisted Living is a higher level of care than Independent Living, right?

If money is not an issue, why on earth would that switch pose a problem for the children of a woman in her 90s?!?

I don't get it.

The level of care goes from independent living to assisted living to skilled nursing (body) or memory care (mind)

Siblings are concerned that she won't be happy in AL, which I agree is a risk. But she's unhappy because she is confused (she says, often, that she's confused) and knows her memory is failing (although sometimes it fails and she doesn't realize: "No one told me that," when I was sitting right there when someone did tell her that)

If she’s competent she’d better decide who she trusts to make the decisions later and name the POA now. Too many cooks in the kitchen spoil the broth.

[Anonymous]

I don't think that there is a right decision. Either one sounds reasonable. I would default to the closest child or the one that would have to pick up the slack in which ever situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Assisted Living is a higher level of care than Independent Living, right?

If money is not an issue, why on earth would that switch pose a problem for the children of a woman in her 90s?!?

I don't get it.

The level of care goes from independent living to assisted living to skilled nursing (body) or memory care (mind)

Siblings are concerned that she won't be happy in AL, which I agree is a risk. But she's unhappy because she is confused (she says, often, that she's confused) and knows her memory is failing (although sometimes it fails and she doesn't realize: "No one told me that," when I was sitting right there when someone did tell her that)

Why? What are the things they do differently there that would make her more unhappy than she currently is?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Assisted Living is a higher level of care than Independent Living, right?

If money is not an issue, why on earth would that switch pose a problem for the children of a woman in her 90s?!?

I don't get it.

The level of care goes from independent living to assisted living to skilled nursing (body) or memory care (mind)

Siblings are concerned that she won't be happy in AL, which I agree is a risk. But she's unhappy because she is confused (she says, often, that she's confused) and knows her memory is failing (although sometimes it fails and she doesn't realize: "No one told me that," when I was sitting right there when someone did tell her that)

The flip side is that some folks wait too long to move and can be cranky, even experience a degree of transfer trauma once they make the move from one level to another.