Seizing further contact after turning 18

[Anonymous]

Is his father paying any child support? In some states, it stops at age 18, but in others, if a kid turn 18 less than a year before anticipated high school graduation, dad has to pay until graduation. So, if you're in the latter kind of state, he should suck it up until the last month's payment is made.

Ditto if dad is paying for any of college. Some states make parents pay their proportional share of the cost of an instate public--even if the kid attends a different kind of college. Or a divorce agreement can require this. I would hesitate to give that up.

[Anonymous]

You forced him to visit someone he reviled?

I trust my children's acumen on these things, OP. I would have done my best to skirt that custody agreement. There is no way I am forcing my kid to interact with someone who he fights with.

Do not go over your son's head and inform your ex of his plans and events going forward.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd push back on the restraining order talk unless it really is needed. He needs to be an adult and just set boundaries with his father using his words.

I'd try to take the drama out of the situation. It's fine if he doesn't see his father. Shrug. That's between them. Time to talk about something else.

I agree with all of this. But he certainly doesn't have to see them or talk to them once he's 18.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would discourage the party theme but otherwise I see no issues with this. Your son as an adult can choose not to see his father/paternal family if he wants to.

Yes this. Also explain that until DS is out of your house, him acting like this looks poorly on you. I can understand the angst, but I’d encourage him to take a break from his dad, but not to make it a theme night. He can do that once he’s out of your house if he needs to.

[Anonymous]

Usually it's 18 or graduation from HS. If he wants to stop contact, stop taking the child support and don't expect dad to pay for college.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let him manage his relationship with his father however he'd like. At 18, he's an adult.

Chronologically maybe, not necessarily emotionally.

[Anonymous]

This is the stupidest thread—you’re seriously asking if an adult can be forced to go stay in the home of another adult to visit them?

This poor kid…a psycho father and a moron mother.

[Anonymous]

Sorry that some woman hater has shown up here to blame your ex's failures on you, OP. You may have made a mistake in picking him, but at least younger the courage to divorce and you've done all you can to facilitate a relationship between your son and his dad.

When he is 18, I would just stay out of it. I assume your son understands that he should expect no financial support from a parent to whom he doesn't talk or with whom he has no contact. As long as he is okay with that, it sounds like a break might bring him some peace.

Just don't feed into it, OP. And hopefully encourage him to get therapy.

[Anonymous]

I’d encourage my son that freedom involves walking away and leaving the anger behind. He 100% is within his right to stay away from awful people. I’d also tell him that others who haven’t been in his situation may or may not understand. Having a party celebrating the end of a toxic relationship will make others feel awkward.

It’s also normal to feel relieved, celebratory and very happy when going no contact with a horrible person. At some point he’ll mourn never having the dad he deserved but he’ll never miss the jerk who was his dad.

[Anonymous]

He is about to be 18. Let him do what he chooses-it's his choice legally anyways. Step back and let him handle it.

[Anonymous]

Stay out of it. He’s 18. It’s none of your business.

I have an 18 year old son too and I promise you that if you don’t start treating him with the respect to make his own decisions, he won’t speak to you, either.

[Anonymous]

Is anyone surprised that therapy didn't work? We are sending everyone to therapy to work out life problems with people who are now therapists but likely had and have many problems themselves and just enjoy a paycheck to listen to a vent session from a kid

Adult men who don't have even reasonable low contact relationships with their parents do not usually turn out too well. The therapist doesn't care. They don't know better and are laughing all the way to the bank.

[Anonymous]

My dad was also an alcoholic and deadbeat, and abusive. I havent spoken to him since I was maybe 16. No restraining order needed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’d encourage my son that freedom involves walking away and leaving the anger behind. He 100% is within his right to stay away from awful people. I’d also tell him that others who haven’t been in his situation may or may not understand. Having a party celebrating the end of a toxic relationship will make others feel awkward.

It’s also normal to feel relieved, celebratory and very happy when going no contact with a horrible person. At some point he’ll mourn never having the dad he deserved but he’ll never miss the jerk who was his dad.

I'm the 16 pp, and I agree with all of this.

Yes to freedom from anger. No to the party (or maybe reframe it as 18-Freedom, not freedom from Dad specifically). And I feel so much happier and free day to day not even thinking about my Dad. His gf reached out a while back when they saw I bought my house (so probably looking for money), and gave me some sob story about his health yada yada. 10 yrs later he's still alive somewhere, clearly it wasnt that bad I was so stressed out when she reached out to me and tried to guilt me. As soon as I blocked her as well, the weight lifted again.

[Anonymous]

Depends on where you are. Legally, child support and custody arrangements don't actually end on the 18th birthday in some states. In Virginia, for example, they don't end until 19 or graduation from HS, whichever comes first.

Otherwise I don't think there's much you can do. The kid has to make his own choices. He may come to regret them someday. Or he may be doing the right thing. All you can do is try to encourage he keep an open line for a relationship and stay out of it.