Upper elementary boys friendship

[Anonymous]

I am dealing with a similar issue where my 6th grader is friends with the sporty kids which is how I word it because idk what is popular or not, and a neighbor is complaining to me about his kid being left out but my son reports that when they play a game like foursquare at recess, it’s a rough and tumble game and they’re all OK with it except for the kid who’s complaining and that this kid gets upset when he gets out and meanwhile, my son says, but the rest of them get out too and don’t get upset about it, etc.

I have really spent a lot of time this week analyzing and stressing about this issue. I think the crux of the issue is that the complaining kid is insecure. For example, my oldest son is what we would call a dork but he is secure about it and he has a lot of dorky friends and he loves high school. He recently told me he sits alone on the bus in the morning (he said he listens to music and reads the news, and that it’s 7am and everyone is tired and no one wants to talk), but this doesn’t bother him because he’s so secure with himself. I really don’t know how you raise secure kids and because I don’t know that I did anything special in that regard.

What I do if my kids complaining about any issues is just to try to get them to hang out with other kids who are nice, etc. and try to help arrange play dates etc. with those kids. my 3rd grade daughter sometimes feels left out and I try to tell her to focus her energy on people who return it, etc. and not worry about those other people.

[Anonymous]

Thanks for the responses. My DS can differentiate between kids who are nice to him and are interested in friendship but the problem is he is interested in being friends with a couple of kids in the popular crowd and they don’t seem to care that much about being friends with him. Its hard not to say anything negative about those boys because when I go over the characteristics of a good friend he can come up with the names of the boys who are actually his friends but still pines to be friends with those boys. Sorry this is confusing. I guess I am trying to figure how to make him feel better when he says ‘kevin doesn’t like me’ and ‘how come his mom says he is busy but he can go to xyz house and not mine’. I know its part of growing up and he is just never going to be good friends with those boys but it’s just heartbreaking to see.
He also tells me about other boys who really are trying hard to be popular.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for the responses. My DS can differentiate between kids who are nice to him and are interested in friendship but the problem is he is interested in being friends with a couple of kids in the popular crowd and they don’t seem to care that much about being friends with him. Its hard not to say anything negative about those boys because when I go over the characteristics of a good friend he can come up with the names of the boys who are actually his friends but still pines to be friends with those boys. Sorry this is confusing. I guess I am trying to figure how to make him feel better when he says ‘kevin doesn’t like me’ and ‘how come his mom says he is busy but he can go to xyz house and not mine’. I know its part of growing up and he is just never going to be good friends with those boys but it’s just heartbreaking to see.
He also tells me about other boys who really are trying hard to be popular.

I know it is hard as a parent, but I don’t think there is anything to do except reiterate that not every kid has to be a friend or a best friend, just like not everyone had the same interests or hobbies. It’s ok.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is he on any teams? A lot of the friend groups in my area are based on classroom placement but also sports teams outside of school.

The popular boys are on travel teams and my DS does rec so no they are not on the same team.

Ah, then that may be part of it. And the parents of these teams can be cliquey. I know it’s a stereotype, but I’ve seen that sport parents can be a big part of engineering friendships at this age.

+1

And those kids and families spend a lot of time together- not just at games and practices but team events, carpools, downtime between games etc. The parents often become friends and quite cliquey.

I -accidentally- had my son join one these teams a couple years ago when he was in lower elementary and I didn’t know anything about team sports. I figured at that age kids could just join whatever team and it was just for fun.

Man was I wrong! I, as a grown *ss adult, felt so excluded and weird. The adult friendships seemed cliquey and incestuous the way certain high school groups were. It was also difficult to see most of the rest of the team running and joking around and have my son be the odd man out. He dropped after a season. I think the rest of those boys are still together on the same team, as are their parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here- these boys play different sports from
each other and are on different teams too. But initially they played on the same teams when they played rec. I also feel the parents of these boys engineered their friendships to some extent. For example, one of the kids kept asking my DS for play dates and I invited him over but the play date wasn’t reciprocated. I just feel that my DS is not that important a friend to him or his parents as they do not put in any effort into forming a friendship. When its one sided, its hard and my DS doesn’t seem to get it yet.

Not getting it is a blessing in a way. Very little FOMO/hurt feelings. Keeping my fingers crossed for a magnet where my 6th grader can find his people.

[Anonymous]

My 4th grader is popular and in the group of popular boys, but we try to do playdates with kids not in the group now. He's the only one who isn't competitive in a sport. I can say it's easier for me to setup playdates w/the popular kids because I know their schedules/parents and it can be very last minute. The other kids just from our experience so far, one is rarely available because he's got so many cousins, the other never reciprocates. It may help if the next time you invite, try to invite in groups of 2-3 + yours, and if someone says no, put out your schedule (we're usually free Sat afternoons for example).

Overall I wouldn't worry too much, I also feel the friendships are changing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for the responses. My DS can differentiate between kids who are nice to him and are interested in friendship but the problem is he is interested in being friends with a couple of kids in the popular crowd and they don’t seem to care that much about being friends with him. Its hard not to say anything negative about those boys because when I go over the characteristics of a good friend he can come up with the names of the boys who are actually his friends but still pines to be friends with those boys. Sorry this is confusing. I guess I am trying to figure how to make him feel better when he says ‘kevin doesn’t like me’ and ‘how come his mom says he is busy but he can go to xyz house and not mine’. I know its part of growing up and he is just never going to be good friends with those boys but it’s just heartbreaking to see.
He also tells me about other boys who really are trying hard to be popular.

Sometimes it comes down to the mom’s own involvement. Have you considered leaning it a bit more with some of the parents and other moms. A little effort can go a long way. I have my own friends but I have made an effort to get to know a good number of the other parents, even if it’s out of my comfort zone. We are all friends now but I have initiated the friendship for my own kids benefit over the years. It’s just important to me they have that community of friends to grow up with.