Upper elementary boys friendship
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Anonymous
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What is the friendship between boys like in 4h/5th grades? Do they have ‘best friend’ or mostly hang out with a few kids. I am struggling to understand the friendship dynamics as my kid is trying really hard to become good friends with some boys who are ‘popular’ but they don’t seem to want to interact with him that much. They are friendly, but play dates with those boys are not reciprocated and the whole friendship seems one sided. For example, they will not play with my DS if they have an option. Whereas my DS will drop everything to play with them. I want to help him understand these boys are not the kind of friends he wants but he is unable to comprehend that and keeps insisting that they are his friends. He also feels really sad when he finds out the ‘popular’ boys had a sleepover or they didn’t invite him to play some game online.
My DS does have other friends who are nicer to him and the play dates are reciprocated etc. But he seems to be fixated on this popular group of boys.. any suggestions on how to navigate this? |
Anonymous
| This kind of thing starts happening especially in 3rd-5th. Lots of friendship group shifting, and it can be tough for kids. I don’t have any advice… just know that this is very normal, OP! |
Anonymous
| Is he on any teams? A lot of the friend groups in my area are based on classroom placement but also sports teams outside of school. |
Anonymous
The popular boys are on travel teams and my DS does rec so no they are not on the same team. |
Anonymous
Kewl |
Anonymous
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OP here- these boys play different sports from
each other and are on different teams too. But initially they played on the same teams when they played rec. I also feel the parents of these boys engineered their friendships to some extent. For example, one of the kids kept asking my DS for play dates and I invited him over but the play date wasn’t reciprocated. I just feel that my DS is not that important a friend to him or his parents as they do not put in any effort into forming a friendship. When its one sided, its hard and my DS doesn’t seem to get it yet. |
Anonymous
Ah, then that may be part of it. And the parents of these teams can be cliquey. I know it’s a stereotype, but I’ve seen that sport parents can be a big part of engineering friendships at this age. |
Anonymous
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The kids I see who are super tight benefit from a self-supporting cycle of familiarity and proximity. If they are in the same activities, same car pool, etc. it’s easy to tag on play time before and after. Then the connection grows. I blame myself a bit for my kid not being popular. We returned to indoor activities and sports 6 months after most people during Covid. We also don’t have a 3 row car, so we don’t carpool a lot. We are actually getting a larger car soon, partially for convenience and partially so my kids are included more often.
My son is in 4th and he still pines for the “popular” kids but also starting to find his people by exploring new activities. I don’t worry about reciprocated play dates, I just support him to have as much social time as he wants because I know if he plays with the same kid multiple times it starts to grown into a deeper friendship. We just remind him to spend more time with kids that make you feel good and less time with people who drain you or make you feel bad. My son insists on continuing a sport that he is not good at, doesn’t work hard at improving, and looks miserable at games. But it’s what the boys he covets friendships with do and they include him and are nice to him during the season. Meanwhile he has another sport where we never have to remind him to do extra drills and he is always ready for practice on time. He has an instrument we never have to ask him to practice. It’s hard to watch because his actions clearly show where his heart is, but we just do our best to support him and let him find his way. |
Anonymous
+1 And those kids and families spend a lot of time together- not just at games and practices but team events, carpools, downtime between games etc. The parents often become friends and quite cliquey. |
Anonymous
| I had/have a lot of talks over the years with my kids about being friends with people who are interested in being friends with you, and the characteristics of a good friend. My stepson has two best friends and the three of them play with a bigger group at school but the majority of playdates and sleepovers are with the three. |
Anonymous
Yah that’s it for sure. Most of the kids who are friends are from playing team sports together for years. For both of my boys grades there’s about 15-20 kids in this “group” and closer friendships ebb and flow with class placement. Not all of them are in the same “sport” but we do rec leagues together, camps etc. Maybe reach out to the moms and ask what camps/sports friends are signed up and trying to coordinate, offer to car pool etc. I’m also big on teaching my kids to pick kids who pick them but in this case I would say it’s likely not personal and they just have a lot more interaction with certain kids. |
Anonymous
| I’m not being pedantic but the use of “popular” is just not in line with what I see at least. I think friendships are sports based and classroom based. The closeness of friends change yearly. There are no popular kids in 4th grade. |
Anonymous
I don’t know what you are seeing, but as early as 2nd grade you see popular groups emerging. It’s sad and I also have no idea if these remain consistent as they hit puberty, but it’s not true that there isn’t a popular crowd in elementary. |
Anonymous
Also disagree - perhaps it's different in different areas. Where I live, there are definitely popular kids and ... non-popular kids. |
Anonymous
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Hang in their OP
The hold sports has on boys relaxes a bit in middle school. You still have the sports kids but there are many more areas for kids to find connections there. Keep developing his other interests. They will come in handy then. |