Has anyone gotten a real apology from parents for abuse?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you all. I’m 45 and I don’t know why I’ve been suddenly struggling with all this for the first time. There’s something about the ages my girls are now that makes a lot of memories come up.

One more question: I know both my parents had it “worse” than I did, as far as the way their parents treated them.

What I don’t understand is how the cultural shift happened. Why even my parents themselves would be shocked if I told them I beat MY kids with a belt, you know. How did “times change” if our parents’ generation still doesn’t admit they did anything wrong? How did society make such a big shift?

You are correct that it likely has to do with the ages of your daughters.

I think the cultural shift happened slowly, the same way our culture has become less accepting of other wrongs (e.g. sexism, bigotry of all kinds, etc.). It may have helped that subsequent generations became more mobile and lived farther away from their parents. That kind of distance and time can give some people the freedom they need to start to break away from familial patterns of abuse.

And even though your parents can't admit wrong doing, I think some parents can. It is likely your parents just aren't emotionally healthy or mature enough to acknowledge what they did because the shame would be overwhelming. It sucks because you deserve an apology, the way you deserved a better childhood. But you are an adult now; you can tell yourself the words you deserve to hear from your parents but may not, because they are too weak.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nope never. My ear drum never healed right...

I have a permanent scar on my pinky from the glass door that closed on it when my mother wouldn’t hold the door for me when we walked into the restaurant. I was four years old. (This belongs in the narcissist thread too.)

[Anonymous]

As these abusive parents age they feign forgetfulness or get true dementia so they get a pass.

[Anonymous]

I guess I feel differently. When I became a parent I saw how ridiculously hard it was and I forgave my parents a lot. I saw how hard they had it too. Mine weren’t abusive but definitely parented differently than I do

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I guess I feel differently. When I became a parent I saw how ridiculously hard it was and I forgave my parents a lot. I saw how hard they had it too. Mine weren’t abusive but definitely parented differently than I do

Yours weren’t abusive and “you guess” you feel differently?!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nope never. My ear drum never healed right...

I have a permanent scar on my pinky from the glass door that closed on it when my mother wouldn’t hold the door for me when we walked into the restaurant. I was four years old. (This belongs in the narcissist thread too.)

OP here. I am so sorry. That’s terrible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I guess I feel differently. When I became a parent I saw how ridiculously hard it was and I forgave my parents a lot. I saw how hard they had it too. Mine weren’t abusive but definitely parented differently than I do

This is not your thread.

Run of the mill mistakes because parents were young, stresded, exhausted etc. are very, very different than abuse.

[Anonymous]

Nope. I'm the youngest and I know my older siblings endured more physical abuse than I did, but I had more neglect and emotional abuse. My parents divorced when I was 3 and my mom remarried right away to the first idiot who would give a woman with 7 kids the time of day and that had it's own set of nightmares (literally.) Then my oldest sister was murdered when I was almost 8 and my mom and stepdad adopted her baby and the cycle continued. My dad died when I was 14 and I hate the fact that my mom effectively stole his grandchild, his dead daughter's child, from him because she was selfish--they were both too immature to actually act like adults during the divorce and after, and things really spiraled after my sister died (which I understand.)

My mom is 83 and in rough shape due to falls and multiple broken bones that have landed her in a rehab place and in and out of the hospital recently. Part of it is her very sedentary lifestyle and eating junk junk junk. I asked her the other week (and have asked variations of the same question) if she had a Time Machine would she go back and do anything different or go visit any place in time. She said she'd go back to the day of her most recent fall and not fall. Good lord. 83 and can't think of a single thing she might want to do different? Or a place she'd want to visit? That's when I realized I'll never get an apology for the terrible parenting we endured and I have to make peace with it once and for all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I guess I feel differently. When I became a parent I saw how ridiculously hard it was and I forgave my parents a lot. I saw how hard they had it too. Mine weren’t abusive but definitely parented differently than I do

This is not your thread.

Run of the mill mistakes because parents were young, stresded, exhausted etc. are very, very different than abuse.

Well I was spanked with a belt, mouth washed out with soap, locked out of the house, walked home and my mom was definitely a screamer. No addictions though. I see girls on TikTok saying they were abused for much less.

[Anonymous]

no one deserves abuse. Strength to you all.

[Anonymous]

No. Not even close. I never will.

But the clarity I have now makes it easier to almost entirely cut her out of my life. Less guilt.

[Anonymous]

The closest my mom came to even acknowledging anything is when she said "I think you know I tried my best to be a good mother."

I think it is her way of admitting that something about her parenting was destructive but she has never apologized.

I used to feed into that statement, but now I remain silent every time she says it. I don't have to make her feel better for being an abusive parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Apologies, yes, but sincere apologies, no.

+1 DP
I get the “I’m sorry I was such a horrible mother” followed by a guilt trip - only from my mom. Then a few hours later it might followed up by something to insult me, like I should do XX or I’m not doing XX enough, blah, blah, blah. I ignore it. Funny thing (not really) is that they would be appalled by the idea of my kids getting spanked (we don’t). I distinctly remember my father whipping me with a belt until my legs bled for losing a key to a padlock I put on the gate when I was 7. What an a$$hole. When I think about it and look at my own 8 year old, I just wonder how anyone could even think that was ok. My mom, of course, just backed my dad up- ‘why did you put the lock on the gate?’. My parents are still married and I don’t really ever talk to my dad - I can’t imagine why. Also, if he had whipped an adult like that, he would be jailed - but somehow it’s okay to do it to a vulnerable child.

I’m the PP you replied to and our parents must be copycats of each other. My father beat me with a belt and left welts on my midsection for years every time I laughed too hard or he didn’t like how I did my chores. He used to scream at me that he didn’t want me and to this day my mother spreads lies about what a difficult child I was and how I deserved whatever he did to me. I was valedictorian of my senior class, an athlete, and the most trouble I ever got into at school was for being forcibly kissed by a boy the football field at school during the day when I was a senior.

My father beat her too and now he has a form of dementia and has gotten worse. I keep my distance for my own safety (social worker recommended it) but I am still in touch with them from a distance because I am the only other person who knows how abusive my father is and has been. The community thinks he’s a choir boy that wouldn’t hurt a fly.

Therapy helps but the pain is just something I’ve learned to live with.

[Anonymous]

I was beat, had my mouth washed out with soap when I was 4, ignored, neglected, left home alone with no food, they drove drunk with me In the car, was sexually abused (my mom was ok with this), and given alcohol as a child.

No apologies were ever given and she thinks she was a great mom who "did her best".

[Anonymous]

The most I got from my mother was her saying that I wasn’t what she hoped for, and she wasn’t what I hoped for, and such is life.

With my father he lies and tries to gaslight about sexual abuse.