I'm very worried about my DD and her boyfriend

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DD will do "two and two"--two years at a local community college and then transfer to a four-year university.
She's in therapy. She has her issues, too. He was good for her in some ways--he's a more serious student than she was-- and at the end of high school, it will be time to say "thank you, next." Just want to make sure she has the confidence to say that (the lyrics of an Ariana Grande song, I think).

If she stays home and goes to community college and he doesn't go away to school I doubt this "thank you next" is going to happen.

This. Why break up unless they are going to be separated by distance?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DD will do "two and two"--two years at a local community college and then transfer to a four-year university.
She's in therapy. She has her issues, too. He was good for her in some ways--he's a more serious student than she was-- and at the end of high school, it will be time to say "thank you, next." Just want to make sure she has the confidence to say that (the lyrics of an Ariana Grande song, I think).

If she stays home and goes to community college and he doesn't go away to school I doubt this "thank you next" is going to happen.

Agree. I think they are likely to stay together for those two years. They sound co-dependent.
And, it’s unlikely she will go far away for the last two years of undergrad.

[Anonymous]

Does the boyfriend have college plans? Have you met his parents? Are they from a similar socioeconomic class? Any obvious instability in either families?

[Anonymous]

Op, you sound controlling.

[Anonymous]

This podcast addresses this issue: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/ask-lisa-the-psychology-of-parenting/id1525689066?i=1000631573957

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DD, age 18, has had a boyfriend for two years. He has some social anxieties so they just hang out together, the two of them. When she wants to see a girlfriend he gets very upset and says he could find another girlfriend, easily, if she doesn't want to be with him.
She has avoided going to parties because the boyfriend wouldn't like her to go.
Etc.
I'm trying to peel her away from him but they want to spend every non-school moment together.

They are not good for each other as the seclusion will stunt their social and emotional growth both as a couple and as individuals.

[Anonymous]

Op this sounds a lot like one of my nephews, minus the threats of being replaced. They dated in high school and it was a decent relationship. However, when he dropped out and went back home due to anxiety, they got back together. In the years since they have made each other’s anxieties worse. It’s really sad to see the way they’ve turned out (nearly 30 and going back and forth from his parents house to her parents).
She needs to see that this is an unhealthy relationship, sooner rather than later.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DD, age 18, has had a boyfriend for two years. He has some social anxieties so they just hang out together, the two of them. When she wants to see a girlfriend he gets very upset and says he could find another girlfriend, easily, if she doesn't want to be with him.
She has avoided going to parties because the boyfriend wouldn't like her to go.
Etc.
I'm trying to peel her away from him but they want to spend every non-school moment together.

He's treating your daughter this way because he can't believe he even has a girlfriend. I hope she tells him to move on. Very unhealthy manipulative relationship.

[Anonymous]

Trust your gut mom. I was in a relationship like this at that age and it was much worse behind closed doors. You can't force her to cut him loose, but you can routinely enage her to ask how things are going in her life. And most importantly, reassure her that your are there for her unconditionally, with no judgment, whatever happens. Many young women will hide the worst because they feel ashamed and like they are disappointing you and will get a big "I told you so" or "I told I knew best".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DD, age 18, has had a boyfriend for two years. He has some social anxieties so they just hang out together, the two of them. When she wants to see a girlfriend he gets very upset and says he could find another girlfriend, easily, if she doesn't want to be with him.
She has avoided going to parties because the boyfriend wouldn't like her to go.
Etc.
I'm trying to peel her away from him but they want to spend every non-school moment together.

HUGE red flags. I had a good friend like this in HS. They were married shortly after HS and I remember going to her house with friends (we were all going out as we were in our 20s and not married). He told her "if you leave with them, don't come back." She stayed with him a long time before finally divorcing (like 20 years), after he had been cheating on her. He kept her home while he did as he pleased.

I'd have some very frank conversations that you're concerned. How does she feel when he does this? Maybe see if you can get her to speak to someone.

Def encourage college and separation.

That sort of manipulation and control is NOT normal or good.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Trust your gut mom. I was in a relationship like this at that age and it was much worse behind closed doors. You can't force her to cut him loose, but you can routinely enage her to ask how things are going in her life. And most importantly, reassure her that your are there for her unconditionally, with no judgment, whatever happens. Many young women will hide the worst because they feel ashamed and like they are disappointing you and will get a big "I told you so" or "I told I knew best".

Def reinforce you're not disappointed or ashamed but you want her to be happy. And being happy means going out with friends and having a life outside the boyfriend. You want to support her but also want to make sure she is seeing the situation clearly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DD will do "two and two"--two years at a local community college and then transfer to a four-year university.
She's in therapy. She has her issues, too. He was good for her in some ways--he's a more serious student than she was-- and at the end of high school, it will be time to say "thank you, next." Just want to make sure she has the confidence to say that (the lyrics of an Ariana Grande song, I think).

New poster here. With a son and a brother with anxiety. My brother is VERY controlling and has had some bad relationships. I'm trying hard not to let that happen with my son and any girlfriends. I talk to him often about respecting a girl's boundaries, and have suggested that one weekend night be for his girlfriend and one weekend night be for hanging out with his friends. Because no friend group likes it when they suddenly get ditched for a new girlfriend/boyfriend. (this might be something to mention to your daughter, about a healthy division of time among all her friend groups/boyfriend).

In your shoes, I think I'd focus on helping your daughter stand up for what she wants. If she told you about these types of comments, they are bothering her. If she wants to go out with her friends and he protests, she can try saying, "It's important to me to spend time with friends. You and I can meet up tomorrow at 2. I know you are disappointed, but making comments about finding a new girlfriend isn't healthy or loving. I'm sure we can work something out to meet both our needs. That's what loving couples do."

1) both of them are young and learning how to have relationships.
2) if she frames the situation as something that's important to her, she will begin to recognize her needs matter too.
3) the language helps the boy see she cares about him and wants to work together as a team, but also that she has boundaries.

This relationship will probably end. But helping her navigate it to prioritize herself during the process, rather than trying to expedite the breakup (not saying you are), tends to be more productive and gives her the skills to address her next relationship.

[Anonymous]

She needs a very clear conversation about how this plays out should they stay together. How he will act this way about her friends, her family, her coworkers, their kids if they have then.

How this is not normal or healthy, and that sometimes young kids might be jealous or possessive of their best friend, but they mature beyond this.

Tell her that we are meant to be in groups and you want her to have a full life. How people this insecure will only get more constricting, not less. How if he wants to limit her, that isn't love based, but power and control, and it isn't healthy.

Tell her that everyone has some downsides but that at 18, this isher best time to meet people and make connections. And that if she doesn't do them now, she'll miss a big part of adult development and it will be harder and harder to leave. Many relationships are for a season and this season is not conducive to a well life. Really put it in perspective using examples of neighbors and their kids, you, etc of they tried this on people they care about. This guy sounds like bad news, and if she hasn't left yet, she's probably already a little sunk. Even if she gets mad, you need to say the truth here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DD, age 18, has had a boyfriend for two years. He has some social anxieties so they just hang out together, the two of them. When she wants to see a girlfriend he gets very upset and says he could find another girlfriend, easily, if she doesn't want to be with him.
She has avoided going to parties because the boyfriend wouldn't like her to go.
Etc.
I'm trying to peel her away from him but they want to spend every non-school moment together.

His anxiety diagnosis has been in place for, how long?

Is he on many meds for anxiety ?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:College. Away to College.

Could be even worse if she has the type of personality that allows this controlling behavior. She won’t have her mother there to help out. Have her speak to a counselor about this. It’s not something she should tolerate.