I'm very worried about my DD and her boyfriend

[Anonymous]

My DD, age 18, has had a boyfriend for two years. He has some social anxieties so they just hang out together, the two of them. When she wants to see a girlfriend he gets very upset and says he could find another girlfriend, easily, if she doesn't want to be with him.
She has avoided going to parties because the boyfriend wouldn't like her to go.
Etc.
I'm trying to peel her away from him but they want to spend every non-school moment together.

[Anonymous]

Going off to college is going to be a big break up opportunity

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Going off to college is going to be a big break up opportunity

x1000

She should do this. OP, does she have birth control? Is he controlling? Have her friends distanced themselves? All red flags. Do you like him more than she does?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Going off to college is going to be a big break up opportunity

x1000

She should do this. OP, does she have birth control? Is he controlling? Have her friends distanced themselves? All red flags. Do you like him more than she does?

Also, is he sneaky? Would you know if he is sneaky? Does he act one way in front of the parents, and another way in front or your daughter? That is not good, at all.

[Anonymous]

College. Away to College.

[Anonymous]

Have you used the words "controlling", "manipulative", or "personality disorder" with her? If not you should. This is very bad news. When this relationship ends she needs to see coercive behavior for the red flag it is.

[Anonymous]

You need to talk to her about healthy relationships and boundaries without necessarily making it about him. Otherwise, this won't
be the last man who emotionally abuses and controls her. Has she tried therapy?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Going off to college is going to be a big break up opportunity

She's not going off to college. The boyfriend will make sure of that.

[Anonymous]

Ugh! This is something I started talking to my girls about when they were 10 and 11 - way too young to have it apply to their lives, but we had talks about controlling relationships, emotional and verbal manipulation and abuse, etc. about twice a year. When they'd cut me off with "Ugh, I KNOW!" I'd tell them to give ME the speech. When they asked why I was telling them this even though they were already in college, I said it was so they know it can happen at any age, and they can always come home to be in a safe place.

[Anonymous]

She probably feels like she needs to 'rescue' him, so criticizing him off the bat by rightfully pointing out that he's manipulative and controlling might not get through to her. Maybe approach it from the angle that by giving in to his cognitive distortions, she's actually enabling his anxiety to get worse. If she really cares about him, she'll go out with friends as much as possible to model what a healthy social life looks like for him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Going off to college is going to be a big break up opportunity

She's not going off to college. The boyfriend will make sure of that.

I had the same thought. Or he'll insist she go where he is going.

OP, has your daughter applied to college? Has the boyfriend?

[Anonymous]

DD will do "two and two"--two years at a local community college and then transfer to a four-year university.
She's in therapy. She has her issues, too. He was good for her in some ways--he's a more serious student than she was-- and at the end of high school, it will be time to say "thank you, next." Just want to make sure she has the confidence to say that (the lyrics of an Ariana Grande song, I think).

[Anonymous]

Ugh I am sorry. I dated a boy like that my senior year. In my case one day after he again made me feel horrible and was giving me the silent treatment I was just like "wtf am I doing" and cut him out of my life.

I hope you daughter can do the same. For what it is worth my parents fought so hard to get him out of my life. They also put me in therapy. It took me a long time to realize they were right. I hope your daughter realizes it soon!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DD will do "two and two"--two years at a local community college and then transfer to a four-year university.
She's in therapy. She has her issues, too. He was good for her in some ways--he's a more serious student than she was-- and at the end of high school, it will be time to say "thank you, next." Just want to make sure she has the confidence to say that (the lyrics of an Ariana Grande song, I think).

If she stays home and goes to community college and he doesn't go away to school I doubt this "thank you next" is going to happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ugh! This is something I started talking to my girls about when they were 10 and 11 - way too young to have it apply to their lives, but we had talks about controlling relationships, emotional and verbal manipulation and abuse, etc. about twice a year. When they'd cut me off with "Ugh, I KNOW!" I'd tell them to give ME the speech. When they asked why I was telling them this even though they were already in college, I said it was so they know it can happen at any age, and they can always come home to be in a safe place.

controlling much?