Has anyone been able to turn around a selfish / ungrateful tween/ young teen?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: I’ve done some self reflecting on my parenting skills but DS is the total opposite of her ( kind, empathetic, great sportsmanship, eternal optimist , great character ) and I’ve raised him the same way.

I think this is your problem. The core values you're teaching should be the same but your methods need to be very different. We don't know what you need to do differently with your 12 year old because we don't know what you're doing now.

[Anonymous]

I’m going to assume that this is not a new development that is totally different from your daughter’s personality before. If she had recently changed, I would definitely consider getting her screened for depression or anxiety. But if this is not a new thing, accept the fact that your parenting style (while it worked great for your son and is probably inherently good) is not a great fit for her.

Some kids need more explicit help to learn things. Talk about winning and losing and being a good winner and good loser. Praise her every time you see her being a good loser (or even a not-bad loser). Talk about it if you see it on TV. Play card games, etc so she can practice at home.

Similarly, talk about being an inclusive friend and how she feels when she is not included. Talk about tv shows, movies etc as this comes up. If you see her being inclusive (even if it’s not above and beyond) praise her for it.

As for not contributing, set clear expectations and family consequences. Keep your reactions to her not complying as low key as possible, but stick to consequences and be consistent.

There are a ton of parenting books out there. I found the Explosive Child and Dan Shapiro’s Parent Child Journey helpful but we were starting in a different place with similar issues. What works for us is positive feedback where possible, thoughtful ignoring of some things (for example ignoring complaints about chores if the get done with just 1 reminder), and an ever evolving reward chart to work on the next behavior.

[Anonymous]

I sympathize with you OP. Sounds like my 15 year old. I think a lot of it is this entitled area we live in. Parents are not the most valued influence during this stage of development, but we can’t give up teaching them our values. I have to believe it sinks in on some level and they’ll come around eventually and be good adults.

[Anonymous]

Recommended frequently on DCUM and I thought super helpful (I have 15 and 13 year old girls): Untangled by Lisa D'Amour. She has a podcast as well.

[Anonymous]

The fact that you think you are raising them the same way is laughable.

Older child vs younger
Boy vs Girl
Energetic first time mom vs been there tired mom

[Anonymous]

I agree with the above posters who've mentioned that it's likely your approach with your son is not the right approach for your daughter. It sounds like you've made some conclusions and judgements about her behavior, which probably comes through to her pretty clearly, OP. I would try to hold off on those and really observe what she needs, what she prefers, responds to, likes, etc. Part of it is her age, but are you really connecting with her and do you have a clear idea about what she needs from a parent? I would look at how you need to adjust your parenting style for her - same values, etc., but different approaches.

[Anonymous]

I am sure that your general patent g was the same. Kids are wildly different from each other. Your daughter aPpears to be struggling with being self-involved, worrying about status symbols, cranky. This doesn’t sound like a happy kid. I would urge you to consider a few sessions with a therapist for you as parenting coaching on how to bring out the best in her. I would also send her to an outdoor camp program this summer, where nobody cares about Stanley cups. She needs some role models of counselors with other priorities.

You also need to sit with her when she’s calm and revisit a recent scenario and explain how she appeared to others, while emphasizing that you don’t think that’s what she wants. She doesn’t realize how she is coming across. She entangled in her own feelings right now.

Absolutely monitor what she watches on any screens. Try to plan an activity for you and her to do together to put add to her emotional bank. Always thank her for appropriate and kind behavior.

[Anonymous]

PP were you identical to your siblings because all of my siblings and I were extremely different.

There is nature vs nurture and you have to nurture the various natures you get in your kids.

[Anonymous]

My daughter was really tough to deal with 11-13, she grew out of that stage and is now much more pleasant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your 2 kids can not have been raised the same way by you.

Just the difference in their birthdates meant that you were a different person parenting each one. They also came into two different types of households.

Have you noticed this behavior in her before? She is still young and the things you say she does don't sound wildly atypical for her age. You probably have time. I'm not sure how you would start.

I have twins so they were raised by the same me (and the same my husband) but they are still very different. They're both girls as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a friend who has 3 kids. She constant talks about how she raises them the same, loves them all. And I do believe she loves them all. But she so clearly favors one. And it's not exactly favoring, it's just such an easy relationship between the two, and you can see the 2nd see it and get upset. Then the baby who gets away with everything. The middle kid just does have it different than the other 2. And this is in a loving, stable, 2-parent home.

Yes, my H was the middle kid in a similar dynamic. His parents are good people but the 1st demanded a lot of attention and the 3rd was the quintessential baby. Whenever he points out he was treated a bit different (he was the only one not to have a car in high school, his parents didn't pay for SAT prep for him, pay for grad school etc.) They without fail always say "well you didn't ask" Such an odd response because neither of the others asked they were just given things. His parents absolutely believe they treat them all equally.

NP. I was the fairness obsessed middle child, but OP’s DD sounds like a spoiled last born, not a kid fighting for justice.

[Anonymous]

12 is still pretty young.

If social media is a part of this (or social media culture) time to limit that sharply.

Make sure she is busy at school and at extracurriculars.

Also curb the privilege. Does she have a Stanley cup, or does she have 6 Stanley cups?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree with the above posters who've mentioned that it's likely your approach with your son is not the right approach for your daughter. It sounds like you've made some conclusions and judgements about her behavior, which probably comes through to her pretty clearly, OP. I would try to hold off on those and really observe what she needs, what she prefers, responds to, likes, etc. Part of it is her age, but are you really connecting with her and do you have a clear idea about what she needs from a parent? I would look at how you need to adjust your parenting style for her - same values, etc., but different approaches.

+1. The best way to turn around teen behavior is to stop worrying about it and just start observing without judgment. Then you'll probably need to see what needs to be fixed, or realize that you will need help from a therapist to fix it.