Has anyone been able to turn around a selfish / ungrateful tween/ young teen?

[Anonymous]

I have a 16 year old boy and a 12 year old girl. DH and I raised them both with the same values but their characters couldn’t be more different.

My 12 year old is selfish, negative ungrateful and lacks empathy. We take her with us on nice family vacations or nice family meals at restaurants and she’s grumpy and doesn’t even say thank you. She’s a very sore loser in the individual sport she competes in. She has a small friend group at school but doesn’t seem to want to branch out to include other kids. All she seems to care about is Lululemon, Stanley cups and Taylor Swift. I have to push her to write a nice card to her grandmother on her birthday, push her to say thank you when appropriate, push her to do chores and I’m exhausted. I’ve done some self reflecting on my parenting skills but DS is the total opposite of her ( kind, empathetic, great sportsmanship, eternal optimist , great character ) and I’ve raised him the same way.

Has anyone been able to turn such a kid around? I’m not expecting her to be Miss Congeniality but just expecting normal behavior.

[Anonymous]

Your 2 kids can not have been raised the same way by you.

Just the difference in their birthdates meant that you were a different person parenting each one. They also came into two different types of households.

Have you noticed this behavior in her before? She is still young and the things you say she does don't sound wildly atypical for her age. You probably have time. I'm not sure how you would start.

[Anonymous]

It’s the age, OP. At least I’m hoping so. Mine is similar.

We go to church regularly and have been volunteering at soup kitchens and homeless shelters to show her that not everyone has what she has, and though she doesn’t outwardly show it, I think it’s sinking in. It can help.

Also, having a family member call her out might help too. This happened at a recent family event we were at. Her aunt said something to her privately about her attitude (after asking me where her sweet niece went) and though she cried to me about it afterward, she straightened up for a bit after that…

[Anonymous]

Also, hormones ….they’re raging at this age….

[Anonymous]

Depression! Omg, this child needs to see a doctor and get some pharmaceutical help to feel better!

[Anonymous]

One, the age. But two, she might be reacting to her "perfect" brother. You probably make it clear that he is the better child. Kids frequently don't know what to do with that other than be worse.

[Anonymous]

My 12 year old is similar. Though it fluctuates. Some days she’s lovely, joyful. Other days she’s moody, grumpy and avoids us.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like a typical 12-year-old to me.

[Anonymous]

I'd ask you why she has Lululemon and Stanley cups to care about.

Also though she probably senses that you don't like her and favor her brother. And then she doubles down. Tell us some nice things about your daughter. You have to have positive moments and interactions to build what you're looking for.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like a typical 12-year-old to me.

I really can't stand when people say this. No, they're not all like this. But way to give yourself a total pass as a parent.

[Anonymous]

A lot of this is nature not just nurture.

[Anonymous]

Bumping for advice. My daughter is 9 and also has this streak.

This hadn't worked as an attitude adjustment solution, but I told my ungrateful daughter that she has to earn $ to buy what she wants, because it's clear she doesn't appreciate what she has and mistreats it. So now, she's constantly looking for ways to make a buck to buy the thing. Which is training her to be more involved and helpful. For us it's things like - teach 4 year old brother, help me care for plants, make baked goods for the family, make art to decorate the walls.

She's still a brat and walks around with an attitude, but it's really helped to put up that barrier that 'if you want it, work for it.'

[Anonymous]

I have a friend who has 3 kids. She constant talks about how she raises them the same, loves them all. And I do believe she loves them all. But she so clearly favors one. And it's not exactly favoring, it's just such an easy relationship between the two, and you can see the 2nd see it and get upset. Then the baby who gets away with everything. The middle kid just does have it different than the other 2. And this is in a loving, stable, 2-parent home.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like my 12 yr old. It's hard but hang in there. Their social/school environment influences them a lot and currently, it's all Lululemon, Stanley and Sephora.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a friend who has 3 kids. She constant talks about how she raises them the same, loves them all. And I do believe she loves them all. But she so clearly favors one. And it's not exactly favoring, it's just such an easy relationship between the two, and you can see the 2nd see it and get upset. Then the baby who gets away with everything. The middle kid just does have it different than the other 2. And this is in a loving, stable, 2-parent home.

Yes, my H was the middle kid in a similar dynamic. His parents are good people but the 1st demanded a lot of attention and the 3rd was the quintessential baby. Whenever he points out he was treated a bit different (he was the only one not to have a car in high school, his parents didn't pay for SAT prep for him, pay for grad school etc.) They without fail always say "well you didn't ask" Such an odd response because neither of the others asked they were just given things. His parents absolutely believe they treat them all equally.