Sleepovers where older sibling having tough time

[Anonymous]

No I would not let my kid stay over at their house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Anyone have an older sibling of DC’s friend struggling with substance and anger issues? If so, how did you handle get togethers with the younger siblings who are in MS? Parent of older sibling wants to keep things as normal as possible for their younger kids and planning a sleepover.

No way should they be having a sleepover unless the older sibling is not there.

[Anonymous]

I hate sleepovers.

[Anonymous]

I'm generally pro-sleepover, but in the situation you're describing agree with offering to host. You don't need to get into specifics on why, but if they ask you should probably be prepared to be honest (in the kindest way possible.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is a PSA to my people (1st gen South Asian immigrants), who are quite clueless about American society. No, no, no - the typical American family (all races) are not like your neighborhood aunties and uncles in Indian cities. You need to do your due diligence before sending your kid for a sleepover. My red flags were -
1) Any sex offender lives in the sleepover house address or nearby.
2) Any court cases on that parent listed online
3) The father is a step-parent or there are step-children in the family
4) Mother is living with her boyfriend
5) There is a gun in the house (Yes, you have to ask that question)
6) There is a pitbull or other aggressive dog in the family
7) Elder brother or cousins living in the house and are not respectful.
8) Parents are permissive, allow booze, vaping etc.
9) There is a danger that your kid will be videotaped or will be encouraged to sext during the sleepover.

Actually, it is better not to do sleepover. Do a half-sleepover and pick up your kid at midnight. Other alternative is that you host all the sleepovers.

I like the list...but how do you define a sex offender nearby, and why would that be relevant to your kid's sleepover. Perhaps because we actually live in DC...well, if you go to the sex offender registry it is impossible not to have someone that lives nearby (i.e., within a 1/2 mile).

Also, do court cases include civil cases or criminal cases. I guess I would only care on a civil case if my sleepover host was suing another parent because of a sleepover gone bad.

[Anonymous]

No sleepover.

If I were this parent I would not be offering sleepovers, and would instead give my younger child a pajamas-and-movie party with pickup at 10 PM. Or offer a hotel sleepover without the older child-- pool, movie, order a pizza as "room service", breakfast buffet.

If the sleepover happens and something really bad happens, the younger child will pay a price for it socially that is far, far worse than having to have a pajama party that isn't a sleepover.

[Anonymous]

Hotel sleepovers sound weird too. Wouldn’t be eager to send my kid to one of those.

[Anonymous]

What kind of substance issues and are you friends with the parents?

I feel like you only know all this bc you know the parents well - I’d ask if there is any time where older son will be gone for the night.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a PSA to my people (1st gen South Asian immigrants), who are quite clueless about American society. No, no, no - the typical American family (all races) are not like your neighborhood aunties and uncles in Indian cities. You need to do your due diligence before sending your kid for a sleepover. My red flags were -
1) Any sex offender lives in the sleepover house address or nearby.
2) Any court cases on that parent listed online
3) The father is a step-parent or there are step-children in the family
4) Mother is living with her boyfriend
5) There is a gun in the house (Yes, you have to ask that question)
6) There is a pitbull or other aggressive dog in the family
7) Elder brother or cousins living in the house and are not respectful.
8) Parents are permissive, allow booze, vaping etc.
9) There is a danger that your kid will be videotaped or will be encouraged to sext during the sleepover.

Actually, it is better not to do sleepover. Do a half-sleepover and pick up your kid at midnight. Other alternative is that you host all the sleepovers.

I am not from the US and to me sleepover culture is so American, I never did it growing up and my kids never cared to have them (yes, they have many friends!)

I like the list...but how do you define a sex offender nearby, and why would that be relevant to your kid's sleepover. Perhaps because we actually live in DC...well, if you go to the sex offender registry it is impossible not to have someone that lives nearby (i.e., within a 1/2 mile).

Also, do court cases include civil cases or criminal cases. I guess I would only care on a civil case if my sleepover host was suing another parent because of a sleepover gone bad.

[Anonymous]

Your duty is to your children and not another mother. I'd be a hard no for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Things can be normal for the younger kids without having a sleepover at their house. Plenty of families do not host sleepovers. I wouldn’t let my child stay at your house if an older teen with anger and substance issues was present, and it would be no bearing on how much I liked you or how awesome your younger kid was. I just wouldn’t allow it.

OP please do not host sleep overs, or else let the older sibling go somewhere else. If you told the parents 80% would nope out of the sleep over invite. Stuff like this is why I am totally against all sleep overs. People are ok with things I am not ok with. I have no way of knowing what goes on in their house behind closed doors.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is a PSA to my people (1st gen South Asian immigrants), who are quite clueless about American society. No, no, no - the typical American family (all races) are not like your neighborhood aunties and uncles in Indian cities. You need to do your due diligence before sending your kid for a sleepover. My red flags were -
1) Any sex offender lives in the sleepover house address or nearby.
2) Any court cases on that parent listed online
3) The father is a step-parent or there are step-children in the family
4) Mother is living with her boyfriend
5) There is a gun in the house (Yes, you have to ask that question)
6) There is a pitbull or other aggressive dog in the family
7) Elder brother or cousins living in the house and are not respectful.
8) Parents are permissive, allow booze, vaping etc.
9) There is a danger that your kid will be videotaped or will be encouraged to sext during the sleepover.

Actually, it is better not to do sleepover. Do a half-sleepover and pick up your kid at midnight. Other alternative is that you host all the sleepovers.

Let me spare you some angst: people lie. Don't bother asking these questions. Take the dog issue, dog owners of problematic dogs almost never view their dog's behavior as problematic. I had an in-law try to socialize their dog that growls at children with my children, which included a toddler, without permission.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a PSA to my people (1st gen South Asian immigrants), who are quite clueless about American society. No, no, no - the typical American family (all races) are not like your neighborhood aunties and uncles in Indian cities. You need to do your due diligence before sending your kid for a sleepover. My red flags were -
1) Any sex offender lives in the sleepover house address or nearby.
2) Any court cases on that parent listed online
3) The father is a step-parent or there are step-children in the family
4) Mother is living with her boyfriend
5) There is a gun in the house (Yes, you have to ask that question)
6) There is a pitbull or other aggressive dog in the family
7) Elder brother or cousins living in the house and are not respectful.
8) Parents are permissive, allow booze, vaping etc.
9) There is a danger that your kid will be videotaped or will be encouraged to sext during the sleepover.

Actually, it is better not to do sleepover. Do a half-sleepover and pick up your kid at midnight. Other alternative is that you host all the sleepovers.

Let me spare you some angst: people lie. Don't bother asking these questions. Take the dog issue, dog owners of problematic dogs almost never view their dog's behavior as problematic. I had an in-law try to socialize their dog that growls at children with my children, which included a toddler, without permission.

I had a family member not tell me until years after the fact (when dog was dead) that they got bit in the FACE by their dog. They were afraid I would not visit (they had to get plastic surgery for the bite, I was not in country so didn't know). I spent years petting that dog and saying what a good boy he was.

[Anonymous]

No sleepovers at a house where people are known to be struggling.

And it doesn't need to be drugs. My own teen was on the verge of a mental breakdown in 12th grade from overwork and stress, and we did not host sleepovers in our house at that time! He needed sleep and a quiet house, and my younger kid and her friend are super noisy.

It's just common courtesy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kids aren't going to a house where I am worried about their safety. Their friend can come sleep over at our house though.

+1. I'm sure the parent wants to try to keep things "normal", but my kid's safety comes before the parents' hopes and dreams.

+1000

This also goes for parents with active addiction or mental health issues. I'm always happy to have their kids at my house. But I am not up for letting my kids/teens hang out at a house where a parent is knowingly unstable, even if they're incredible nice or well-intentioned. That's just a hard no for me, and I navigate it by steering hangouts to our house or to an off-site location (shooting hoops at the park, Chipotle for lunch, movie, Lasertron etc.)