Drinking with newborn

[Anonymous]

Alanon will provide support for you.

At 1-2 bottle of wine a night he would probably need support from his PCP or emergency room to stop.

Alcoholics have risk of death when stopping suddenly.

Please don't ride in a car with him.

[Anonymous]

OP, Unless he wants to stop, he won't stop drinking.

He will probably need medical support to quit drinking and working a program would also help.

Check out AlAnon for you. Some have free childcare.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:But he drinks on average 1-2 bottles of wine per night.

I think I might get liver disease just reading this. If he won’t go to Al Anon then you should, for yourself.

[Anonymous]

1-2 bottles of wine every night is clearly someone who is in the grip of a serious alcohol use disorder. It's no one's fault. Alcohol is a very addictive substance and there are all sorts of reasons why some develop a disorder - genetics, age of first use, trauma. Plus it's a powerful drug. Drinking every day, particularly from a young age, would lead to a physiological addiction for everyone.

It is the nature of the drug. And the brain adapts to it.

Unfortunately, addiction sucks. It does not get better. Only worse. The second bottle will eventually turn to the third bottle. And like most alcoholics, they will usually move towards vodka and hiding things. And alcoholics can drink staggering amounts of vodka.

There is no way out unless the alcoholic wants out. And that requires total abstinence. For alcoholics in recovery, it's usually a pretty bumpy journey. If he's ready to get started there might be hope.

At his level of drinking - with a baby and a partner who does not drink - I suggest inpatient rehab for at least 30 days. The first five days or so will be the acute detox. And then he will be in a safe environment that will give him some tools, some understanding, and very importantly, some time for his brain to begin to heal. The first 30 days of sobriety are terrible - the brain is flooded with cortisol, can't make any dopamine. It's a stressful, unpleasant time. You don't want to be anywhere near someone who is 8 days sober and having a bad day.

After 30 days, he should do IOP for a few months. More structure. More time. More accountability. They get tested. They usually use this time to develop a a sober network and establish some good routines. Exercise is a big one early on. The brain might have some trouble making dopamine. But it can still make endorphins. You'd be amazed how good alcoholics look after three months clean and a solid exercise regime. Unrecognizable.

In the meantime, you should find a baby-sitter and explore Al-anon meetings. Every meeting is going to have a different vibe. So try a few. You should do that regardless.

If your husband is unwilling to confront this head on, I'm sorry. It's not going to work out. So you need to start mentally preparing for that and developing a safe exit plan for you and your baby.

Addiction does not mess around. It's serious business. But only the addict can take the first step. The only thing you can do is tell him the consequences if he continues to drink - which is that you and the baby are leaving. I can tell you for certain it's not going to magically get better on its own. And the words of anyone in the grip of addiction are absolutely meaningless. The only thing that counts is action. And that's up to him. And that's up to you. But with a baby you cannot continue to let this slide.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I doubt he drinks a bottle of wine a night. Wine gives you the worst hangover and headache . How can he still function at work with these daily hangovers?

It’s super easy to drink a bottle of wine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Amazing husbands don't drink so much that they fall, pass out, black out, or forget their wives. Alcoholics do.

This, plain and simple. Your husband is an alcoholic. The sooner you admit this, the sooner you can start making better decisions for you and your baby.

[Anonymous]

Op this is a serious drinking problem but I wouldn’t say he necessity needs rehab to quit. What he does need is to want to quit. It’s not something you can force. I highly recommend Al anon for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I doubt he drinks a bottle of wine a night. Wine gives you the worst hangover and headache . How can he still function at work with these daily hangovers?

Perhaps he’s developed a tolerance from daily use - which means he would likely go through withdrawal when he stops (and might require hospitalization). I think the fact that he is “high functioning” has tricked OP into thinking he is not actually an alcoholic, but just someone who needs to cut down while they have a newborn. Nope.

[Anonymous]

when he’s drinking and I ask him to cut back, he says I should leave him alone, but the next day, he agrees it is not healthy or good. But even after many different promises, he can’t seem to consistently cut down or stop once he’s started no matter how much we’ve discussed in the past.

As many other posters have noted, he cannot stop easily because he is in the grips of an extremely powerful addiction. He may want to stop, in fact I’m sure he would love to be free of alcohol, but everything in his physiology right now is working against that. Alcohol dependence changes the brain/neurotransmitters in powerful ways. He will need to actually accept that he must stop drinking and then get help to do so. He may need to get aid in detoxing because removing alcohol can create some significant physical and mental issues . Then he will need a program and support system. Many people have success with medication that suppresses the desire to drink (naltrexone) but he will also need mental health or group support and it is a long process.
I’m so sorry this is happening during a time you should be focused on baby.
Finally I suggest you attend Al Alon meetings (online might be best for now with baby) to understand what you can and cannot do.

[Anonymous]

This is absolutely alcoholism and your husband needs help. I’m sorry OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I doubt he drinks a bottle of wine a night. Wine gives you the worst hangover and headache . How can he still function at work with these daily hangovers?

Perhaps he’s developed a tolerance from daily use - which means he would likely go through withdrawal when he stops (and might require hospitalization). I think the fact that he is “high functioning” has tricked OP into thinking he is not actually an alcoholic, but just someone who needs to cut down while they have a newborn. Nope.

Being falling down drunk is not normal or SAFE around an infant.

OP, do you work? I have a sense you may not and you may not, so you are even more desperately trying to stay in denial. He should not be holding the baby or driving you and the baby. Do you have family you could go to? There is NOTHING you can do to cause him to drink or cause him to stop. The sooner you grasp that the better for your child. And you have to have a plan to become self supporting for you and your child. He may die of alcoholism, you have no control over what he does.

If I'm wrong and you DO work, have a plan to focus on career, he may lose his. You can't rely on child support. Al Anon has online and phone meetings as well as in person meetings.

https://al-anon.org/

Did you grow up with a parent who drank, OP? https://adultchildren.org/

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH is an amazing dad and husband. Smart, attractive, successful, and caring. We just had a baby a month ago, and he does everything for us. But he drinks on average 1-2 bottles of wine per night. I’m not drinking, so it seems unnecessary to me that he drinks so much especially alone. There have been a few instances of him overdoing it, slipping/falling, passing out on the couch, blacking out, forgetting to pick me up, etc. Luckily no significant instances since baby has arrived. When he’s drinking and I ask him to cut back, he says I should leave him alone, but the next day, he agrees it is not healthy or good. But even after many different promises, he can’t seem to consistently cut down or stop once he’s started no matter how much we’ve discussed in the past. I try to not nag but I get frustrated because I know it’s bad for him and not a good example for our child long term. I don’t know what I should do to help him or better handle/cope with this situation.

Your husband is addicted to alcohol and the examples you cite above are signs that the addiction is out of control. The fact that he is telling you to leave him alone about it while drunk and then feeling regret the next day is a sign that he knows it, but is unable to stop. Even if he wants to stop it may take time for him to really get to the point where he can fully accept that is the only choice.

He needs treatment of some kind, either through a doctor or on his own. AA is obviously very well known. There's also different online programs - Reframe is one.

Only you can decide what to do here. At a minimum I'd get all alcohol out of the house and tell him you want an alcohol free home. That will likely cause him to start sneaking it/hiding it, which is bad, but it will force the conversation.

I am sorry you are dealing with this. I am 15 months sober. It was a long and ugly fight to get that way. I am lucky to still have my family, but my spouse would have been well within rights to leave. I wish you and your family all the best in dealing with this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Alanon will provide support for you.

At 1-2 bottle of wine a night he would probably need support from his PCP or emergency room to stop.

Alcoholics have risk of death when stopping suddenly.

Please don't ride in a car with him.

Someone always says this on these threads. I don't know where this comes from, but the vast, vast majority of people that stop drinking do not need medical intervention.

[Anonymous]

Has OP been back?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If he drinks 5 nights a week that’s 5 bottles of wine per week and 20 per month. That’s a lot!

It sounds like he drinks 7 nights per week so it’s even worse than you say…30+ bottles of wine per month (even up to 60+ if it’s really more like 2 bottles a night)