Plan for dementia

[Anonymous]

It’s hard to find the right time to move them but I would do it now if your dad agrees, to a continuing care place near you. The guest house probably won’t work for long so I would just skip that. If you wait too long, there will be no option of moving them and you’ll be flying out to manage things.

[Anonymous]

If they plan to ever move close to you they need to do it now. It will be much harder as your moms dementia progresses and as they both age. But even now moving will be very difficult for them and could accelerate your mom’s decline into dementia. Moving cross country is hard for anyone, but especially for someone w dementia. She’ll likely feel even more disoriented and confused after a move like that than she will w the usual condition progression.

The hardest part is you can’t control what they do. Your dad ultimately will be the one to decide and you’ll have to deal w his decision whatever it may be. Do make sure your dad gives you or your sister POA now so that if he dies or develops serious health issues before your mom dies, you or your sister can make decisions wrt your mom and the estate.

Also, go visit and just enjoy your mom’s company. Go now/as soon as you can. take photos and especially videos and make voice recordings—-we really treasure the voice recordings and videos most bc my MIL who now is in advanced stage dementia, can no longer speak or interact w us (she hasn’t been able to speak for almost a year now and hadn’t been able to have a real conversation or interaction for about 2.5 years now. She was first diagnosed w dementia in 2017 and by 2021 she no longer had the same personality at all and by 2023 she could no longer speak.

[Anonymous]

I’m in a similar situation. You have to have a serious talk with your dad and make sure he understands the repercussions of them staying in Calif., far away from you. If he’s resolute in remaining there, then I would respect that and they need to figure out who can help them out there.

[Anonymous]

No kids to dump on, only nieces and nephews so my plan is take the SAGE test from the University of Ohio every year. When I slip I apply for medical aid in dying and leave as a full human being. So my assets and house go to a young person and not the elder-care-industry.

I live in vilified Canada though where this is legal now. I'm also a practical personal with an anxiety disorder who likes to preplan for everything. Most normal people don't want to know.

[Anonymous]

Follow Dr Brittany Lamb on social media
https://www.instagram.com/blamb.md/

Good tips for the conversations you need to have , the documents to complete, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If they plan to ever move close to you they need to do it now. It will be much harder as your moms dementia progresses and as they both age. But even now moving will be very difficult for them and could accelerate your mom’s decline into dementia. Moving cross country is hard for anyone, but especially for someone w dementia. She’ll likely feel even more disoriented and confused after a move like that than she will w the usual condition progression.

The hardest part is you can’t control what they do. Your dad ultimately will be the one to decide and you’ll have to deal w his decision whatever it may be. Do make sure your dad gives you or your sister POA now so that if he dies or develops serious health issues before your mom dies, you or your sister can make decisions wrt your mom and the estate.

Also, go visit and just enjoy your mom’s company. Go now/as soon as you can. take photos and especially videos and make voice recordings—-we really treasure the voice recordings and videos most bc my MIL who now is in advanced stage dementia, can no longer speak or interact w us (she hasn’t been able to speak for almost a year now and hadn’t been able to have a real conversation or interaction for about 2.5 years now. She was first diagnosed w dementia in 2017 and by 2021 she no longer had the same personality at all and by 2023 she could no longer speak.

yeah, wills and trusts are less important than DPOAs for both of them. My mom was too far gone into paranoia to agree to give me DPOA, but gave my dad DPOA and the terms of the DPOA were that he had the power of substitution. Me and my dad were then able to execute and notarize a substitute durable power of attorney which was good because he unexpectedly died first. (a lot of family lawyers, like the ones you can talk to free off of a metlife lawyer plan, have no idea how to do this, so in a lot of cases you get what you pay for.)

if they have an established friend group/social life then it is likely best to leave them in CA for now. If your parents still come to visit for extended stays then you may be able to convince your dad that they need to just stay on the extended trip, and that you will deal with everything in CA. It's going to feel too impossible to him when they are in the comfort of their home. Research and tour communities near you so you have a very short list of possibilities.

Apple watches with GSM and fall detection, if they will wear them, are good. Airtags in car, in purse also good. I also put blink cameras with short record triggers in unobtrusive places just to monitor my parents house from afar. (camera on driveway, camera in kitchen, camera in basement, and eventually I put a camera in their bedroom but under a table with just a view of the door. I didn't want to be visually spying on them but I did want to loosely figure out where in the house they were, and be able to listen if I was worried someone fell.)

I'm sorry. It's hard.

[Anonymous]

Great advice above. Since your dad is so much older, it's urgent that you get the powers of attorney/financial information locked in now before something happens to him.

Now would also be the time to move to a continuing care community where your dad can live with your mom as long as possible before she has to go into memory care. Probably one in their community would be best as I agree moving them across the country might accelerate both their declines.

In the CCRC my mom is in, plenty of couples have one spouse in independent living and one in memory care or assisted living. Living together forever is often not possible but being at the same facility is the next best thing as it allows the better-abled spouse to develop supportive friendships and have enjoyment in their life rather than just being trapped as a caretaker 24/7, while still seeing their spouse every day.

I don't think moving them to your guesthouse is any kind of solution, either short- or long-term.

[Anonymous]

My Dad was in Memory Care, my Mom in AS in the same facility. She was able to be with him from about 9am-5pm. That's also because she was no trouble to staff or the routine that was established.