My teens stopped wanting to hang out with us

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a friend with a teen daughter who has some social anxiety. She is still very attached To her mom. I couldn’t help but be a bit envious as my two teens don’t seem like they want anything to do with us. The only family time we seem to get these days is in the car when we are driving them to sports.

How much do you hang out with your teens?

My teens are all about their friends. We still try to eat meals as much as possible but it is becoming less with 3 kids and their sports and activities.

Do you want your teens to be the ones thriving at the school dance or being pushed to go in by their parents? Sixteen Candles reference.

Why would you be jealous of an introvert with anxiety?

OP, you know it is normal. It means you raised healthy independent kids. They always come back in their 20’s.

[Anonymous]

The good thing is that kids who have a super active community here in DC generally want to come home during breaks during and after college. I've seen this play out with my friends' kids. Those who are less connected to high school friends are less likely to come home later on. Of course this is not every kid but I've noticed a trend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The good thing is that kids who have a super active community here in DC generally want to come home during breaks during and after college. I've seen this play out with my friends' kids. Those who are less connected to high school friends are less likely to come home later on. Of course this is not every kid but I've noticed a trend.

Thanks for this, not op, but this didn't occur to me.

[Anonymous]

We all hang out in the family room after shower time, tv is on a sport and everyone is likely scrolling through their phone but chit chat is happening...then they huff and puff when i say its time to get upstairs to bed....they brush teeth and chat amongst themselves till i come up and take phones and say good night.

10th grade 9th grade 6th grade

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The good thing is that kids who have a super active community here in DC generally want to come home during breaks during and after college. I've seen this play out with my friends' kids. Those who are less connected to high school friends are less likely to come home later on. Of course this is not every kid but I've noticed a trend.

This was true for me, I never went back to my hometown after my first spring break for more than a couple of days. There was nothing there for me.

Sounds like your kids are doing really well OP. I wish my 13 yo had a larger community but she seems content to never leave the house outside of school and sports.

[Anonymous]

You know that you can be both independent AND close to your family.

It's not an either/or.

I was that way. I was so ready to leave for college and hit the ground running. Not homesick. Fit in everywhere...lived abroad, etc.

I also was very close and did things with my family, even in HS.

My sons are similar. They can go out and be social, play sports---ride Metro by themselves and figure things out--ride Metro from VA to DC for HS. And, yet---they still like to do family board games--watch series together, etc. The Senior will often go out to dinner with us...and then go out and meet his friends later. We eat dinner together most weeknights.

They also were very close to their grandparents, know their aunts/uncles, etc. My oldest is applying to schools on the West Coast and Boston, etc. He also is applying to a few nearby.

I think what really drove some of the closeness for us was all the time we spent in the car with them and on the sidelines at their travel sport. My sophomore still needs me to drive him to practices, games, etc..and some of those games are out of town where we spend the weekend together.

Great memories. I grew very close to my parents playing travel sports as well. My dad even coached us.

[Anonymous]

I’ve gotten to know the friends (most of them love me and know i will help them if needed and give advice - while still being an adult and not subverting their own parents) and we bring them places with our family a lot. I like teenagers and I spend a lot of my own time with my own friends, so it just works.

So I guess I’d ask - do you have your own friends that you spend a lot of time with? If you don’t, as you consider being inspired by your kids to expand your own social network and then bring these people together - my friends get to know my kids too. It’s very positive.

[Anonymous]

We are the hangout house and I drive a lot, so it’s the best of both worlds.

These dumb teens talk non stop in the back of my car like I am just an Uber driver. I know probably more than most parents good and bad.

We do a restaurant every Sunday as a family to recap the weekend. No phones. Sometimes I can convince them to play a board game or watch a movie afterwards.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Congratulations. You are functioning as a parent and not their friend. Your kids are the well-adjusted ones who are naturally separating from their parents. Enjoy the win and focus on figuring out how you want to spend your free time. Because face it - you (hopefully) have decades in front of you after your job as a primary caretaker is over.

+1. Your teens are doing what they are supposed to be doing. I wouldn't feel jealous of someone whose teen hangs out with them all the time.

[Anonymous]

Just a couple of weeks ago when it snowed and I was coming inside from shoveling, I was thinking back to 2009 when the DC area had those two back-to-back big snows. My kids were 6 and 2 and we had a blast, all together.

Now one is in college several states away, the other is a HS junior with friends and a boyfriend, and she's ripping and running. I did think for a couple of moments how I wish I could re-live that snow week, when they were young and innocent and we hadn't been through teen ups and downs, frustrations, and some tough times.

But I'm also happy about their growing independence and confidence in figuring out the world for themselves. It will serve them well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Congratulations. You are functioning as a parent and not their friend. Your kids are the well-adjusted ones who are naturally separating from their parents. Enjoy the win and focus on figuring out how you want to spend your free time. Because face it - you (hopefully) have decades in front of you after your job as a primary caretaker is over.

+1. Your teens are doing what they are supposed to be doing. I wouldn't feel jealous of someone whose teen hangs out with them all the time.

OP here. 14DS just came home with DH and I told him how he doesn’t hang out with me and mentioned my friend and her daughter. Both DH and DS said it would be weird if DS wanted to hang out with his mom all the time.

DH seems to think we spend plenty of quality time together.

[Anonymous]

This is the beginning of the move towards independence. It's a good thing. Make sure you have things to fill your time.

[Anonymous]

I think after Covid and the coddled mommy generation, parents and teens are realizing learning independence is what is needed during those years before college. I hope we are taking a healthier look into more socialization and less isolation/screens.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My teen sounds like your friend’s kid. A little social anxiety and big homebody tendencies, so we spend a ton of time together. It’s great and I know it’s fleeting, but I am so, so happy when she very occasionally gets together with other kids and I wish she did it way more often.

+1. And then my younger teen daughter is like OP’s. So I have the two extremes. My clingy child’s company makes me happy but I always sort of feel like her sister is the healthier situation. Who knows how it will play out?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Congratulations. You are functioning as a parent and not their friend. Your kids are the well-adjusted ones who are naturally separating from their parents. Enjoy the win and focus on figuring out how you want to spend your free time. Because face it - you (hopefully) have decades in front of you after your job as a primary caretaker is over.

+1. Your teens are doing what they are supposed to be doing. I wouldn't feel jealous of someone whose teen hangs out with them all the time.

OP here. 14DS just came home with DH and I told him how he doesn’t hang out with me and mentioned my friend and her daughter. Both DH and DS said it would be weird if DS wanted to hang out with his mom all the time.

DH seems to think we spend plenty of quality time together.

Well, OP that’s not the way to get quality time with your teens. Of course, it’s very natural as other posters have said for teens to separate and want to spend time with their friends. Your goal is to find things to do that they enjoy parentheses walk the dog watch a show together make their favorite dinner to entice them to hang around sometimes. That’s better than trying to guilt them or make them feel bad because other parents see their kids more.