Divorce - who gets what? How should it be split?

[Anonymous]

50/50

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again - I’m hoping to settle matters in mediation, but need to have a rough idea of what is right or fair. I suspect that it’s going to be a blindside and that I’m going to have to be prepared with a plan. We have very few liquid assets and some other complications and I think it’s best i go in with an idea of what I want or what is fair. I will definitely have a lawyer helping me.

Mediation is a waste of money

[Anonymous]

A friend of mine was a SAHM for ten+ years at the time of their divorce. Her staying at home allowed her exH to move up in his career. She absolutely deserved 50%. She sacrificed her career and earning power for her ex. Consider that, OP.

[Anonymous]

I’m not planning to divorce, but as a SAHM turned very PT, low wage, working mom, I’d expect 50% plus child support and spousal support. I think SS for 1/2 the length of the marriage is pretty standard in VA where I live. I’m curious how you don’t have “liquid assets” if he is a high earner? My husband could easily pay me for half of our house and still liquidate enough to give me the rest of my 50%.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m not planning to divorce, but as a SAHM turned very PT, low wage, working mom, I’d expect 50% plus child support and spousal support. I think SS for 1/2 the length of the marriage is pretty standard in VA where I live. I’m curious how you don’t have “liquid assets” if he is a high earner? My husband could easily pay me for half of our house and still liquidate enough to give me the rest of my 50%.

Just don’t cheat in Virginia. Adultery proven in court results in zero alimony and a less than 50/50 asset split. It’s also a criminal offense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m separated from my spouse and want to be divorced as soon as is humanly possible. I’m curious as to what people think is “fair” or “typical” in a split where one partner has mostly been a stay at home parent or parent-tracked and one is a high earner in a high stress job.

A SAHM friend of mom said she feels it’s a 50-50 partnership and a joint decision for one parent to stay home, so she would expect a 50/50 split in a divorce. I’m not sure how I feel about this. It was a mutual decision for me to stop working when the kids were born, but I don’t really feel like I’ve contributed as much as DH financially and I guess I’m just wondering what DCUM thinks is “fair” in a situation with very unequal splits between the parents on both earnings and childcare.

You’re asking two questions:

How will it be split? 50/50

Is it fair? Nope, not at all

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again - I’m hoping to settle matters in mediation, but need to have a rough idea of what is right or fair. I suspect that it’s going to be a blindside and that I’m going to have to be prepared with a plan. We have very few liquid assets and some other complications and I think it’s best i go in with an idea of what I want or what is fair. I will definitely have a lawyer helping me.

Mediation is a waste of money

No, fighting with lawyers is a waste. I divorced an attorney. We mediated. It cost less than 5k

[Anonymous]

I took mine, he took his.

Divorce costs? Idk how ever much it cost him to file the paperwork.

I’m not a child, he’s not a child. No other adult is paying for me and no other adult is paying for him,

[Anonymous]

I divorced over two years ago and consulted with two local law firms. Both highly experienced. This is what we did.

1. I wanted a clean and simple separation (in VA so we needed to be separated for 12 months first). No haggling over items, money, etc.

2. I had my attorney draft the documents and my wife initially agreed she would not get her own attorney because we didn't want to waste money. The more you send on attorneys the left you get.

We laid it out like this (in general terms)

1. We have been married for 12 years and have one kid. VA law states I pay six years of alimony based on her own income.

2. She has one rental property with her parents. She keeps it.

3. I have one rental property with my parents. I keep it.

4. All cash in all accounts we had DURING our marriage is split 50/50. I had two 401k accounts prior to us getting married. I kept those. I also had a stock market account well prior to marriage. I kept that.

5. I rented a house nearby and she stayed in our primary residence with our kid. We sold her home a year after separating and we split the profits 50/50.

6. We share custody with our kid 50/50. There are many schedules you can select from. We choose one where she would see us both each week.

The only outlier was our weekend home. We bought a small house on the water nearby I wanted to keep. She did not want it. So, after we sold our primary residence I gave her in cash 50% of the value of the weekend home.

Done. I'm out. My kid is with me 50% of the time and some weeks longer. I'm happy. I've been dating and very very very happy with my life. Even people at work told me they can tell. But, the best part is coming home is no longer a dread of stress and tension. I come home, even to an empty house, and I feel peace. And I love time with my kid.

[Anonymous]

To add, I'm the poster above. My ex was a SAHM. I worked a lot and earned over $300,000/annual. Yes, I lost a lot of money. But, in the end it's worth it. Marriage is combined so she gets 50%.

For the husbands who think it's not fair, it is what it is and it's best to move on. You can always earn more money. You can't earn peace with sacrifice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again - I’m hoping to settle matters in mediation, but need to have a rough idea of what is right or fair. I suspect that it’s going to be a blindside and that I’m going to have to be prepared with a plan. We have very few liquid assets and some other complications and I think it’s best i go in with an idea of what I want or what is fair. I will definitely have a lawyer helping me.

Mediation is a waste of money

No, fighting with lawyers is a waste. I divorced an attorney. We mediated. It cost less than 5k

OP needs a lawyer to do the mediation. The goal should be to resolve everything in mediation prior to litigation. But this only works if all parties are being sane and rational, which is not always the case.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A friend of mine was a SAHM for ten+ years at the time of their divorce. Her staying at home allowed her exH to move up in his career. She absolutely deserved 50%. She sacrificed her career and earning power for her ex. Consider that, OP.

Not all SAHM want a career or earning power. I know many SAHM who refuse to return to work nor have any interest even if their kids are in school 6-7 hours a day. They are happy staying at home doing nothing. While some women, and I mean some, are career focused and want to be productive many wives are not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I divorced over two years ago and consulted with two local law firms. Both highly experienced. This is what we did.

1. I wanted a clean and simple separation (in VA so we needed to be separated for 12 months first). No haggling over items, money, etc.

2. I had my attorney draft the documents and my wife initially agreed she would not get her own attorney because we didn't want to waste money. The more you send on attorneys the left you get.

We laid it out like this (in general terms)

1. We have been married for 12 years and have one kid. VA law states I pay six years of alimony based on her own income.

2. She has one rental property with her parents. She keeps it.

3. I have one rental property with my parents. I keep it.

4. All cash in all accounts we had DURING our marriage is split 50/50. I had two 401k accounts prior to us getting married. I kept those. I also had a stock market account well prior to marriage. I kept that.

5. I rented a house nearby and she stayed in our primary residence with our kid. We sold her home a year after separating and we split the profits 50/50.

6. We share custody with our kid 50/50. There are many schedules you can select from. We choose one where she would see us both each week.

The only outlier was our weekend home. We bought a small house on the water nearby I wanted to keep. She did not want it. So, after we sold our primary residence I gave her in cash 50% of the value of the weekend home.

Done. I'm out. My kid is with me 50% of the time and some weeks longer. I'm happy. I've been dating and very very very happy with my life. Even people at work told me they can tell. But, the best part is coming home is no longer a dread of stress and tension. I come home, even to an empty house, and I feel peace. And I love time with my kid.

this worked because you are low-drama and fair. not everyone is!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I divorced over two years ago and consulted with two local law firms. Both highly experienced. This is what we did.

1. I wanted a clean and simple separation (in VA so we needed to be separated for 12 months first). No haggling over items, money, etc.

2. I had my attorney draft the documents and my wife initially agreed she would not get her own attorney because we didn't want to waste money. The more you send on attorneys the left you get.

We laid it out like this (in general terms)

1. We have been married for 12 years and have one kid. VA law states I pay six years of alimony based on her own income.

2. She has one rental property with her parents. She keeps it.

3. I have one rental property with my parents. I keep it.

4. All cash in all accounts we had DURING our marriage is split 50/50. I had two 401k accounts prior to us getting married. I kept those. I also had a stock market account well prior to marriage. I kept that.

5. I rented a house nearby and she stayed in our primary residence with our kid. We sold her home a year after separating and we split the profits 50/50.

6. We share custody with our kid 50/50. There are many schedules you can select from. We choose one where she would see us both each week.

The only outlier was our weekend home. We bought a small house on the water nearby I wanted to keep. She did not want it. So, after we sold our primary residence I gave her in cash 50% of the value of the weekend home.

Done. I'm out. My kid is with me 50% of the time and some weeks longer. I'm happy. I've been dating and very very very happy with my life. Even people at work told me they can tell. But, the best part is coming home is no longer a dread of stress and tension. I come home, even to an empty house, and I feel peace. And I love time with my kid.

this worked because you are low-drama and fair. not everyone is!

That is correct. My ex can be high drama. But, I told her the facts. If we fight we both lose money. She knows I can earn more money. Her, she doesn't have the drive like I do. So, she knows it's better to gain more from the separation. Plus, her parents would never approve of her trying to take more than 50% of what was ours (her parents love me still, even begged me not to divorce her).

In the end, I had to prove to my ex that if we just used one attorney and followed Virginia law and split everything 50/50 we'd be better off than dealing two attorneys and fighting over things. 50/50 is fair and I was fine with it. She was also fine with it considering she got $400,000 cash and after we sold our primary she got an additional $600,000 cash.

[Anonymous]

It is good to hear in VA which I have read is not a community property state that the settlements are 50/50. Currently, SIL is very impressed with himself and as a HHI earner believes he merits a 75/25 allocation. Daughter did always work part-time and earns a little less than a third of him and he will get an idea of how little she did daily as coparenting will start in- home so it should be
Interesting to see how the big Executive does!
Very sad that one can’t confront a mental health change, but one has to protect oneself and the children. How long does it take to get a court decision if a spouse will not share the requested basic financial documents and will be contentious.