Divorce - who gets what? How should it be split?

[Anonymous]

I’m separated from my spouse and want to be divorced as soon as is humanly possible. I’m curious as to what people think is “fair” or “typical” in a split where one partner has mostly been a stay at home parent or parent-tracked and one is a high earner in a high stress job.

A SAHM friend of mom said she feels it’s a 50-50 partnership and a joint decision for one parent to stay home, so she would expect a 50/50 split in a divorce. I’m not sure how I feel about this. It was a mutual decision for me to stop working when the kids were born, but I don’t really feel like I’ve contributed as much as DH financially and I guess I’m just wondering what DCUM thinks is “fair” in a situation with very unequal splits between the parents on both earnings and childcare.

[Anonymous]

Don't worry about what's “fair” and just fight for your future. You future self and your kids will thank you.

[Anonymous]

Most likely 50/50 for everything. If one spouse has enough cash to buy out the other and keep the marital home, then they will do so. Otherwise the home will be sold and profit split equally.

[Anonymous]

“Fairness” and “typical” matter not at all. This is just a legal question. Follow the law and don’t overthink it. You need a lawyer, they will tell you what you get and help you negotiate the details.

[Anonymous]

Getting married isn’t like being a team where you both earn and put money in a pot.

It’s like starting a business where you both work and own 50% of the shares. Your relative contributions as employees, however you want to measure them, have no bearing on the ownership stake. Unless you structure your agreement differently on purpose in a way that’s legally binding.

[Anonymous]

OP again - I’m hoping to settle matters in mediation, but need to have a rough idea of what is right or fair. I suspect that it’s going to be a blindside and that I’m going to have to be prepared with a plan. We have very few liquid assets and some other complications and I think it’s best i go in with an idea of what I want or what is fair. I will definitely have a lawyer helping me.

[Anonymous]

Yawn - do what you want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again - I’m hoping to settle matters in mediation, but need to have a rough idea of what is right or fair. I suspect that it’s going to be a blindside and that I’m going to have to be prepared with a plan. We have very few liquid assets and some other complications and I think it’s best i go in with an idea of what I want or what is fair. I will definitely have a lawyer helping me.

Who do you think will blindside who? You’re blindsiding him?

[Anonymous]

So you’re the SAHM and in this post, wondering if you should get less than 50% of the assets because you “didn’t
contribute as much financially?” Hard to believe you didn’t reverse the roles here, but if not, you should do some reading about the financial impact of divorce and what awaits you.

[Anonymous]

Yes. I’m the SAHM. And i guess he’s worn me down enough over the years to feel like he doesn’t owe me half. I guess we’ll see where the lawyers end up, but it’s a complicated mess.

[Anonymous]

I was a SAHM at the time we divorced. I moved out with the kids, and left my ex with the house. That felt fair to me because his parents gave him/us the house. I didn't take a car because I didn't need one where I was moving. I had written out what I thought my monthly expenses would be in the new place, and my ex gave me that plus a few hundred more as a cushion and we agreed to reevaluate in four months. It was his dog, but I walked and fed her more than him, so we agreed the dog would stay with him but he'd bring her to visit with me when he picked up the kids for visitation. I took all my clothes/toiletries. Took all but two outfits for each of the kids, and about half their toys/books. That was a space issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes. I’m the SAHM. And i guess he’s worn me down enough over the years to feel like he doesn’t owe me half. I guess we’ll see where the lawyers end up, but it’s a complicated mess.

He does owe you half. Like a PP said, this is for your future. The settlement money may not last long so get what you can. If you have kids, make provisions of who is going to pay for college or what percent is each side going to pay. Get some of STBX retirement account too. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

50/50 is fair don’t be stupid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes. I’m the SAHM. And i guess he’s worn me down enough over the years to feel like he doesn’t owe me half. I guess we’ll see where the lawyers end up, but it’s a complicated mess.

It’s not complicated at all. 50%.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m separated from my spouse and want to be divorced as soon as is humanly possible. I’m curious as to what people think is “fair” or “typical” in a split where one partner has mostly been a stay at home parent or parent-tracked and one is a high earner in a high stress job.

A SAHM friend of mom said she feels it’s a 50-50 partnership and a joint decision for one parent to stay home, so she would expect a 50/50 split in a divorce. I’m not sure how I feel about this. It was a mutual decision for me to stop working when the kids were born, but I don’t really feel like I’ve contributed as much as DH financially and I guess I’m just wondering what DCUM thinks is “fair” in a situation with very unequal splits between the parents on both earnings and childcare.

Your feelings about what is fair or typical are irrelevant.

In no-fault divorce the presumption in most states is 50/50 division of assets and 50/50 custody. Alimony might temporarily be awarded if a huge divide in income. Child support is done by formula. If there is a house, either one spouse buys out the other or it is sold and the proceeds evenly divided.

It’s not that complicated and any attempt to deviate from the above only enriches lawyers and reduces the assets to be divided.