S/O How to know someone’s serious vs love bombing?

[Anonymous]

If it's real, they want to be with you and are there for you and super supportive.

With love bombing, they often get sketchy within a few months, but then buy you off with elaborate flowers or whatever. They use big romantic gestures -- like a candlelight bath with rose petals or breakfast in bed or a surprise trip or whatever -- to hook you or manipulate you. They jump to declaring undying love way too fast. Want to take thinks unreasonably fast in general. All that mushy stuff most women love and most men don't do -- they do it, because it helps them to control you. You get high on the romance and then overlook how he's emptied your bank account or been mean to your kids, or whatever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If it's real, they want to be with you and are there for you and super supportive.

With love bombing, they often get sketchy within a few months, but then buy you off with elaborate flowers or whatever. They use big romantic gestures -- like a candlelight bath with rose petals or breakfast in bed or a surprise trip or whatever -- to hook you or manipulate you. They jump to declaring undying love way too fast. Want to take thinks unreasonably fast in general. All that mushy stuff most women love and most men don't do -- they do it, because it helps them to control you. You get high on the romance and then overlook how he's emptied your bank account or been mean to your kids, or whatever.

They do it for sex 100% of the time. They get off making you say ILU- and will say it snd not mean it. It’s all a game to keep you blowing them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My AP love bombs me everyday and I've told him to stop. I know the things he tells me he's told every other woman. The best is when he tries to claim I'm so great in the sac because wow look how hard he gets and I'm like oh please you've gotten hard with every other woman you've been with too. Why else would he have so many affairs. I'm happy to be with him but spare me the empty words just keep quiet.

He tells his wife the same thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My AP love bombs me everyday and I've told him to stop. I know the things he tells me he's told every other woman. The best is when he tries to claim I'm so great in the sac because wow look how hard he gets and I'm like oh please you've gotten hard with every other woman you've been with too. Why else would he have so many affairs. I'm happy to be with him but spare me the empty words just keep quiet.

Gross. Why are you banging a guy having multiple affairs? Let me guess you are too…

[Anonymous]

Love bombing is really extreme. The way you know is that they barely know you and already seem in love with you and ready to spend the rest of their lives with you (such a red flag). The gestures are really over the top too…it’s like they are trying too hard to win you over by manipulating you.

Someone who is really into you is interested you and you never feel anxious or question their interest. They can get you flowers etc… but it never feels too extreme or like a performance.

I have experienced a lot of love bombing and married the person who didn’t love bomb me but was very into me and dedicated to developing our relationship from the onset.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve heard it before and it was reiterated in the other post that if a man is serious about you he will make every effort to be with you. No need to wonder, he will basically be all about you.

But how does it look or feel different from love bombing?

Love bombing - he will make excuses for lack of time and tell you all kinds of things—but he doesn’t actually do them. Will get you hooked on charm and giving countless compliments—best ever, kind of crap. Common in affairs.

Disagree. People can keep this up for 10 years or so. I would say depth. Do things seem a bit superficial and out of the blue? Or really well thought out and consistent? People who love bomb often just have an agenda and there isn't much below the surface.

I agree with the above. It's meant to sweep you off your feet, but it's superficial. They don't really want to get to know you. They want you to fulfill a specific image in their mind that they have already formed. They don't ask you questions. They tell you what you are and put you on a pedestal. There is a complete lack of depth. They don't want a full human being with a fully formed identity, feelings, desires, and depth of emotions. They go intense, fast, and full speed, so you don't have time to think things through.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Disagree w all of the above. W lovebombing, they will stun you with words of affirmation, or gifts, or affection, or whatever their/your love language is. Once you are “hooked,” the true elements of their personality & agenda start to creep out, usually at the 4-6 month mark, and it can look very different. But you are confused by the cognitive dissonance, bc you are already hooked by their prior conduct. With actual seriousness, it doesn’t end, they are who they say they are, do what they say, act how they profess to feel, and are consistent over time even as you get to know each other more deeply.

Yes, but how do we know during those first 4-6 months? I believe that's the point of the original question.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Serious: will spend a lot of time with you doing normal stuff.
Love bombing: says he’d love to spend a lot of time with you but can’t seem to find the time.

Interesting take.
But I think the latter you described is just word bombing.
To me, love bombing is lots of big romantic gestures (whether or not they align with what you want or need) and flattery without substance, such as frequently sending dozens of flowers, love letters, gifts, reservations for expensive dinners all at the beginning that lead up to getting you into bed.
Serious is intimate sharing, vulnerability (not necessarily neediness, but listening and revealing), interest in getting to know what excites you, what makes you happy/joyful, what annoys you, and what makes you frustrated. Wanting to spend any amount of time with you doing regular things like grocery shopping, a relaxed sport like hiking, golf, tennis…making each other laugh.

[Anonymous]

Love bombing generally includes the person being seemingly "perfect" for you. So if the person you're dating is all of a sudden very interested in X because you like it but had previously shown no interest (and this happens with more than one thing), that's a red flag.

I'd also want to know more about their past relationships. And spend time with their friends and family. If they act differently around others or others seem to think they're acting weird when you're there, that's a sign.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve heard it before and it was reiterated in the other post that if a man is serious about you he will make every effort to be with you. No need to wonder, he will basically be all about you.

But how does it look or feel different from love bombing?

Love bombing - he will make excuses for lack of time and tell you all kinds of things—but he doesn’t actually do them. Will get you hooked on charm and giving countless compliments—best ever, kind of crap. Common in affairs.

Disagree. People can keep this up for 10 years or so. I would say depth. Do things seem a bit superficial and out of the blue? Or really well thought out and consistent? People who love bomb often just have an agenda and there isn't much below the surface.

I agree with the above. It's meant to sweep you off your feet, but it's superficial. They don't really want to get to know you. They want you to fulfill a specific image in their mind that they have already formed. They don't ask you questions. They tell you what you are and put you on a pedestal. There is a complete lack of depth. They don't want a full human being with a fully formed identity, feelings, desires, and depth of emotions. They go intense, fast, and full speed, so you don't have time to think things through.

This sounds like my soon to be ex DH. Hindsight is 20/20