Old mom guilt over my tween

[Anonymous]

Honestly, it is pretty nutty that I have been trying for 10 years for a connection. It's the definition of insanity. It's like I'm hoping for something that just isn't there. Thinking if I say the right things, or do the right things, it will happen. I need to just accept her as she is. And that she has chosen to only have a connection with her dad. Is that hurtful? Yes. Am I glad she has a good relationship with her dad? Yes.

Ugh. It is just hard. It's also hard to connect with my husband too. He is likely on the spectrum like she is. They both think that I just don't get them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, it is pretty nutty that I have been trying for 10 years for a connection. It's the definition of insanity. It's like I'm hoping for something that just isn't there. Thinking if I say the right things, or do the right things, it will happen. I need to just accept her as she is. And that she has chosen to only have a connection with her dad. Is that hurtful? Yes. Am I glad she has a good relationship with her dad? Yes.

Ugh. It is just hard. It's also hard to connect with my husband too. He is likely on the spectrum like she is. They both think that I just don't get them.

Geez. Don't understand why they would think that. Glad they have each other.. Get therapy.

[Anonymous]

Have you said one positive thing about her on here?

[Anonymous]

OP, you are the mom. You cannot change her but it is up to you, the adult, to figure out ways to relate to her, interests you can share, etc.

Post on the SN Forum for ideas re: how to connect with teens.

What was your childhood like? Were you a family scapegoat or bullied in school? Have you been diagnosed with anxiety, depression or ADD? Your reaction to all of this, if you are not trolling, is odd and not at all healthy.

Where is the younger child in the mix?

How have you consistently spent time one on one with older child and younger, separately? How often do you and DH spend time together, alone or with other couples?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, it is pretty nutty that I have been trying for 10 years for a connection. It's the definition of insanity. It's like I'm hoping for something that just isn't there. Thinking if I say the right things, or do the right things, it will happen. I need to just accept her as she is. And that she has chosen to only have a connection with her dad. Is that hurtful? Yes. Am I glad she has a good relationship with her dad? Yes.

Ugh. It is just hard. It's also hard to connect with my husband too. He is likely on the spectrum like she is. They both think that I just don't get them.

OP, it's not up to a child to meet your emotional needs. If your child has ASD, it is still up to you to parent her. Has she been evaluated? How does she do at school? Does she have friends? Does she have an IEP? Has she done any social skills classes?

I think family therapy is warranted for all, the dynamics do not sound healthy at all. Find someone with experience with neurodivergent families. Also, get therapy for yourself. Your reactions to all of this sound like baggage from the past.

Ask Jeff to move this to the SN forum.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are the mom. You cannot change her but it is up to you, the adult, to figure out ways to relate to her, interests you can share, etc.

Post on the SN Forum for ideas re: how to connect with teens.

What was your childhood like? Were you a family scapegoat or bullied in school? Have you been diagnosed with anxiety, depression or ADD? Your reaction to all of this, if you are not trolling, is odd and not at all healthy.

Where is the younger child in the mix?

How have you consistently spent time one on one with older child and younger, separately? How often do you and DH spend time together, alone or with other couples?

I scheduled date nights with DH and arranged a sitter for those nights, at least once a month for many years. I scheduled all of our anniversary dinners, birthday dinners. The anniversary dinners - he never even knew it was our anniversary - just showed up for the meal.

Most of the times I have tried to do one on one things with my older child, has been disastrous. Either she sulks and says it's more fun with her dad, or when she was younger, she'd actually throw a tantrum because it was something out of her norm.

I kinda stopped trying this past year, both on scheduling those date nights with DH, and also trying to connect with my daughter and spend time with her. Partly because I got a demanding job this year, and I just couldn't handle the mental load. I was diagnosed with both anxiety and ADD. I suspect I have seasonal affective depression.

My childhood was... I had emotionally immature parents. Dad was abusive. Mom is anxious and needed me to be the perfect child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, it is pretty nutty that I have been trying for 10 years for a connection. It's the definition of insanity. It's like I'm hoping for something that just isn't there. Thinking if I say the right things, or do the right things, it will happen. I need to just accept her as she is. And that she has chosen to only have a connection with her dad. Is that hurtful? Yes. Am I glad she has a good relationship with her dad? Yes.

Ugh. It is just hard. It's also hard to connect with my husband too. He is likely on the spectrum like she is. They both think that I just don't get them.

OP, it's not up to a child to meet your emotional needs. If your child has ASD, it is still up to you to parent her. Has she been evaluated? How does she do at school? Does she have friends? Does she have an IEP? Has she done any social skills classes?

I think family therapy is warranted for all, the dynamics do not sound healthy at all. Find someone with experience with neurodivergent families. Also, get therapy for yourself. Your reactions to all of this sound like baggage from the past.

Ask Jeff to move this to the SN forum.

My husband won't let her be evaluated or diagnosed. She has a small group of friends, but currently is close with one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, it is pretty nutty that I have been trying for 10 years for a connection. It's the definition of insanity. It's like I'm hoping for something that just isn't there. Thinking if I say the right things, or do the right things, it will happen. I need to just accept her as she is. And that she has chosen to only have a connection with her dad. Is that hurtful? Yes. Am I glad she has a good relationship with her dad? Yes.

Ugh. It is just hard. It's also hard to connect with my husband too. He is likely on the spectrum like she is. They both think that I just don't get them.

OP, I say this kindly, but I have a child with ASD. Your daughter may or may not have asd, nothing in your post indicates that she does, but it doesn’t matter. Because the problem here is not any nueroatypicality. The problem is that you care way too damn much about “having a connection.” Your daughter is calling you “stupid”. That is wrong!! She had a half-formed brain so it’s understandable, but why is your concern anything other than your duty to correct her emotional immaturity? She doesn’t need a diagnosis and she doesn’t want a friend in you, OP, she needs a mother! Stop fearing a lack of relationship and the relationship will follow. I promise.

[Anonymous]

OP- you do sound annoying. Many teens HATE talking in the morning, and rehashing a morning conversation when they walk in the door.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She was 2.5 and shes now at least 13, you havent made any effort to bond with her in 10+ years???

It was one of those vicious circles. She pushed me away, like she used to push her dad away. When I tried to read her a book at night, she'd tell me she didn't want me in her room, she wanted dad. I tried to break through, but I think the damage was done.

I think you’re making excuses for not putting in the effort. Having a baby 11 years ago, is definitely NOT the explanation for why you don’t have a relationship with your oldest.

[Anonymous]

OP, you need help.

You’re not describing anything out of the realm of normal in regard to your husband and daughter. But, what you’re posting about your own thoughts is not normal.

You come off as really neurotic, it’s not surprising they avoid you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you need help.

You’re not describing anything out of the realm of normal in regard to your husband and daughter. But, what you’re posting about your own thoughts is not normal.

You come off as really neurotic, it’s not surprising they avoid you.

+1. This is way deeper than the “sibling introduction”.

[Anonymous]

Definitely try therapy. I had a lot of anxiety and guilt, thinking that I wasn't doing enough, connecting enough with my kids, etc. even though objectively, I knew that I spent time with them, had good connections, had people telling me that I was an amazing mom, etc.

Turns out, my guilt was nearly 100% connected to how I was parented, emotional abuse from my father, emotionally unavailable mother, etc. Therapy showed me this and how to heal from it. I'm still a work in progress, but it's so much better. Find the right therapist, and you could feel so much better too.

[Anonymous]

Can you just do special things with her? Special for her (not you). Take her shopping, concert, movie, so thing with her friends perhaps?

I have 3 kids (11, 9 and almost 6) and always focused on the older kids and left my husband or nanny with younger one. When my second was born, I would leave her with the nanny or husband and spend time with older one. When my third was born, I left him with nanny/husband and spent time with older two. In my case, my third became very attached to my husband while our older girls were much closer to me. By the time our son was 4, he was too attached to his dad and my husband babied him too much. I took the opportunity of a trip to visit my family without husband to bond with our son. Since then, I forced it a bit making sure I was always the one around him, putting him to sleep. It helps that after Covid my husband is traveling more and out of the house for bedtime at least once a week.


1 year later and now my son is equally attached to us. He goes to me first for most things and to his dad when he wants to play more physical games.

Obviously this won’t work with a teenager, but I still think you need to try and reconnect.

I make sure I spend some time alone with each of my kids every day. Even 10-15 minutes before they go to bed, to listen to them, ask questions, snuggle, tell a story, etc.

Good luck OP!

[Anonymous]

Troll.