Old mom guilt over my tween

[Anonymous]

I feel major mom guilt for my oldest child. I didn't handle the introduction of her new sibling well. My oldest and I were very closely bonded. But when I was pregnant with my second, everyone was telling her that once the baby was born, mom was going to be busy with the baby so she would have to leave me alone. And once her sibling was born, it was like I was 100 percent responsible for everything around our newborn, and everyone else was taking care of our oldest. It taught her that she couldn't come to me anymore.

It was an early rupture in our relationship. The dynamic just kept carrying on - especially with DH and I. She became much more closely bonded with DH. And I feel like I never got it back, because I feel so distant from her, and she's now almost a teen.

I'm wondering if I should apologize or if it's too late. I know she mostly doesn't remember, but I just wonder if it would help.

[Anonymous]

You could talk about it with her, but I wouldn't think this apology worthy. But I would do so with caution, sometimes you give teens an idea like this and the absorb it too much.

There's some natural separation from mom that will probably ebb and flow over the next few years.

How old was she when the baby was born?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You could talk about it with her, but I wouldn't think this apology worthy. But I would do so with caution, sometimes you give teens an idea like this and the absorb it too much.

There's some natural separation from mom that will probably ebb and flow over the next few years.

How old was she when the baby was born?

She was 2 and a half. At the time I was really happy she was finally getting to bond with DH, because for a long time she only wanted me around. In fact, when he came home from work, she would push him back out the door and say, No daddy! And also at the time, she was sleeping on her own in her room, but then her sleep regressed and started sleeping with DH. I had to sleep in the baby's room, and did all the night time wakings because DH has extreme sleep sensitivity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You could talk about it with her, but I wouldn't think this apology worthy. But I would do so with caution, sometimes you give teens an idea like this and the absorb it too much.

There's some natural separation from mom that will probably ebb and flow over the next few years.

How old was she when the baby was born?

And that is a good point of caution. She likely doesn't even remember, but she may take that idea and run with it.

[Anonymous]

The problem was with your husband. He should have been spending time with the baby so you could continue spending one-on-one time with your oldest and he could bond with the baby.

[Anonymous]

She was 2.5 and shes now at least 13, you havent made any effort to bond with her in 10+ years???

[Anonymous]

That’s a long time to carry this guilt, OP. You can’t change the past (for what it’s worth, it sounds like a common and normal situation), but you can focus on building a relationship with her now as she moves into her tween and teen years. She has lots of change ahead and will need support.

And think about how you can work toward accepting that you did the best you could do at the time, which was pretty darn good. Your older DD was loved and cared for the whole time, in part because you made sure she had a strong support system.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She was 2.5 and shes now at least 13, you havent made any effort to bond with her in 10+ years???

It was one of those vicious circles. She pushed me away, like she used to push her dad away. When I tried to read her a book at night, she'd tell me she didn't want me in her room, she wanted dad. I tried to break through, but I think the damage was done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You could talk about it with her, but I wouldn't think this apology worthy. But I would do so with caution, sometimes you give teens an idea like this and the absorb it too much.

There's some natural separation from mom that will probably ebb and flow over the next few years.

How old was she when the baby was born?

She was 2 and a half. At the time I was really happy she was finally getting to bond with DH, because for a long time she only wanted me around. In fact, when he came home from work, she would push him back out the door and say, No daddy! And also at the time, she was sleeping on her own in her room, but then her sleep regressed and started sleeping with DH. I had to sleep in the baby's room, and did all the night time wakings because DH has extreme sleep sensitivity.

The way you wrote your post I assumed she was 8 or 9 or something.

Are you just trolling? Really unbelievable that a person with extreme sleep sensitivities would sleep with a 2.5 year old...

If you're not trolling this is entirely on you and your own emotional issues and probably worth working through with a counselor. NOT working through dd, that's the surface issue. Figure out your own issues around women/daughters/mothers/daughters&dads and look at this from the 'you' perspective only.

The baby care was a need, even 2.5yr olds can grasp that. But the rest of it is on you. Figure out why you resented her.

[Anonymous]

I almost never suggest therapy but it might be time, for you. You are holding on to ten year old guilt and trying to make sense of difficulties with a teen. Raising teens isn’t easy, I’m struggling too. I know the issues we are having with my oldest isn’t because DC2 was born.

[Anonymous]

Therapy for you OP and regular one on one outings w/each child to build a bond.

[Anonymous]

OP, does she still have the pattern with friends of preferring one and pushing others away?

Ideally you and DH would each have spent one on one time (non-negotiable and not dictated by older DD) all along, but no time like the present to start.

Does older child have anxiety or a heightened need for control? If so, better to get help/strategies now before puberty fully hits.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She was 2.5 and shes now at least 13, you havent made any effort to bond with her in 10+ years???

+1 That’s crazy! Now she’s at an age when all kids show some signs of rebelling, it’s in the teen DNA.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I know I'm not totally thinking straight. But I am feeling shi**y. This morning as I was trying to get my daughter out the door, I kept nagging her to get ready. She kept saying things like "you think i need like 30 minutes to get ready? mom, you keep saying things that make you sound stupid" and then 5 minutes after waiting for her to leave, she's looking through a book, and then staring off into space. I was literally watching her, curiously, and said "It's so interesting watching you get ready to leave, you stare into space, you stop to read a book...." and she goes, "mom you're making yourself sound stupid again"

So she's gone for the day, and when she gets back, I bring it up again, intending to apologize for being passive aggressive, or for making her feel bad for being distracted, and I ask "Were you upset at me before?" And she goes, what are you talking about? You're being annoying." And so I apologize again, and say "I'm sorry, that wasn't my intention to annoy you."

I guess I just feel like we've lost all connection and I just have no idea to get it back. It makes me incredibly sad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, does she still have the pattern with friends of preferring one and pushing others away?

Ideally you and DH would each have spent one on one time (non-negotiable and not dictated by older DD) all along, but no time like the present to start.

Does older child have anxiety or a heightened need for control? If so, better to get help/strategies now before puberty fully hits.

Yes, she does have a pattern of just preferring one friend. I haven't been able to get her to make any new friends, she has zero interest. I'm also thinking that it might have something to do with the fact that she's likely neurodivergent like her dad.