dc/w ASD, vocal stims/flapping in stores?

[Anonymous]

I am sorry I don’t mean to sound insensitive but I would just stop bringing her to stores for a while. Or are you a single mom?

[Anonymous]

I wonder if this is an opportunity to teach her, in an age appropriate way, that people can be judgy. Long term it may be more important for her to feel safe and confident in who she is, flapping and all, bc the reaction to flapping comes from a place of not understanding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How do you know that it bothers her? Does she say it bothers her?

Yes. She'll say 'that lady looked at me weird. She thinks I'm weird' or something like that.

What if you said "I think she wasn't expecting that sound from you"? What would your DD say?

I'm not sure. I think she'd probably just not answer. Usually, I say (quietly, not angrily) 'look around, is anyone else barking?' but that hasn't seemed to stop it.

I would be MUCH more direct. “She looked at you because you are barking.”

I feel like I have said something to that effect at times. Maybe I should say it just like above.

I appreciate the responses here! And that they 'get it'. It's not like I can ask my mom friends of NT kids, 'hey, what do you do when your kid barks at Target?' LOL

NP. I agree, I think you should have a direct conversation with her about it. First, I would try to get a sense if they are stims that she can control, or if they are tics that she really can't control. For stims, I would explain that everyone has stims when they are really little, but most people stop doing them when they are 3 or 4, and people who keep doing them often just do them in private or only around family. You don't have to encourage her to not do them, but just let her know it's not something other people expect to see in a store, so it might surprise them and they might stare. Yes, staring is rude, but it happens.

If they are tics and she hasn't had tics before, I would talk to a doctor.

My son's stim is/was twirling his hair and talking to himself. He is a tall teenager and wants to shop separate from me, so I made sure he understood that other people would notice and think it was odd if they heard him talking to himself. Knowing that was enough to get him to stop doing it in public, which made me feel relieved. The same people who are understanding about a small special needs child can misunderstand and become afraid when they are dealing with an adult-sized teen who is behaving in unexpected ways.

[Anonymous]

PP, yes I think that is what is happening-when she was a littler kid, no one really noticed her 'exuberance' but now that she's older, it does stand out.

So once Christmas is over and I have a chance to catch my breath : ) , I think I will have a talk with her about it, like how she feels and if 'not' doing the flap/squak is something she wants, or not, and how others are going to react. It's been so busy in our lives lately that I'm sure doesn't help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am sorry I don’t mean to sound insensitive but I would just stop bringing her to stores for a while. Or are you a single mom?

wtf? no, OP do not listen to this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wonder if this is an opportunity to teach her, in an age appropriate way, that people can be judgy. Long term it may be more important for her to feel safe and confident in who she is, flapping and all, bc the reaction to flapping comes from a place of not understanding.

I disagree. All kids learn manners - there’s no need to hold back on teaching kids on the spectrum manners. Teaching a kid not to jump and make noise in a store is just a kind of instruction about manners. Making a huge deal about how her stims are part of her “self” could be confusing and possibly make her feel even more alienated. She can learn the cause & effect of her behavior without feeling stigmatized.

[Anonymous]

OP, for us this is something that has gotten less noticeable as my DC has gotten a little older (now 12). I think partially they realized other kids didn’t flap, partially we got their meds really well tuned, partially we stopped stressing about it, and partially we figured out substitutes that worked for them. For my kid, chewing gum works wonders. We started off with big, flavorful bubble gum (think Hubba Bubba) and have now switched to just a stick of chewing gum. You might also try finger knitting or making “cat’s cradles” with a circle of string. Also you can try giving your DD a “job” while at the store- find items, add up amounts on a calculator, etc.

With habits, comforting behaviors, or stims it is important to think about replacement and not try to just extinguish them. Think of a puppy who chews your shoe, if you just take it away without giving a better choice then they will chew the furniture.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:ABA can definitely address self-stimulatory behavior like you describe. You can find a BCBA in your area here:

https://www.bacb.com/

But for the love of all things holy please don’t. Doing that is at the heart of what autistics find troubling about ABA.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wonder if this is an opportunity to teach her, in an age appropriate way, that people can be judgy. Long term it may be more important for her to feel safe and confident in who she is, flapping and all, bc the reaction to flapping comes from a place of not understanding.

I disagree. All kids learn manners - there’s no need to hold back on teaching kids on the spectrum manners. Teaching a kid not to jump and make noise in a store is just a kind of instruction about manners. Making a huge deal about how her stims are part of her “self” could be confusing and possibly make her feel even more alienated. She can learn the cause & effect of her behavior without feeling stigmatized.

This board often makes me so sad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wonder if this is an opportunity to teach her, in an age appropriate way, that people can be judgy. Long term it may be more important for her to feel safe and confident in who she is, flapping and all, bc the reaction to flapping comes from a place of not understanding.

I disagree. All kids learn manners - there’s no need to hold back on teaching kids on the spectrum manners. Teaching a kid not to jump and make noise in a store is just a kind of instruction about manners. Making a huge deal about how her stims are part of her “self” could be confusing and possibly make her feel even more alienated. She can learn the cause & effect of her behavior without feeling stigmatized.

This board often makes me so sad.

You’re sad because I believe kids on the spectrum can learn manners and learn not to behave in ways that have results they don’t like? Why do you think it’s desirable to infantilize and have low expectations for autistic kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:ABA can definitely address self-stimulatory behavior like you describe. You can find a BCBA in your area here:

https://www.bacb.com/

But for the love of all things holy please don’t. Doing that is at the heart of what autistics find troubling about ABA.

Dangerous stims have to be addressed. Do you think my kid should never be taught he cannot pace/jump in big circles on a crowded metro platform? You seem to want our kids to be unable to adjust to the world.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:ABA can definitely address self-stimulatory behavior like you describe. You can find a BCBA in your area here:

https://www.bacb.com/

But for the love of all things holy please don’t. Doing that is at the heart of what autistics find troubling about ABA.

OP here. I did mention that I do not want to extenguish her stims and that it is bothering HER how she is stared at. I have gotten several good ideas from this thread about other ways SHE could choose to stim in public, like the gum chewing mentioned earlier.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:ABA can definitely address self-stimulatory behavior like you describe. You can find a BCBA in your area here:

https://www.bacb.com/

But for the love of all things holy please don’t. Doing that is at the heart of what autistics find troubling about ABA.

Dangerous stims have to be addressed. Do you think my kid should never be taught he cannot pace/jump in big circles on a crowded metro platform? You seem to want our kids to be unable to adjust to the world.

OP here and I agree.