To my fellow Grandmas

[Anonymous]

I actually love my MIL. She is amazing. It's my mother who is the problem to my husband.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I was posting about the MIL and mother have a hard time accepting adult child and their spouse. From a Grandma’s perspective I think it comes down to accepting that their adult children no longer need them. Plus, it is not the same world we raised fl our children in.
I find mothers of sons have more problems letting go. It’s a my son, my son situation. No one is good enough for their son. I was hoping this forum would be a good place to talk about elder perspectives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I was posting about the MIL and mother have a hard time accepting adult child and their spouse. From a Grandma’s perspective I think it comes down to accepting that their adult children no longer need them. Plus, it is not the same world we raised fl our children in.
I find mothers of sons have more problems letting go. It’s a my son, my son situation. No one is good enough for their son. I was hoping this forum would be a good place to talk about elder perspectives.

Except you have trouble accepting that others have different experiences. I have a good relationship with my in-laws, and a fragile one with my own mother. My best friend gets on well with her MIL, and had a difficult time with her FIL. Even my friends who complain about their MILs do have a courteous relationship with them.

So... as so often happens, OP, you seem to believe that online complaints are an accurate reflection of real life. They're not. It's mostly the complainers who post. The happy ones don't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m not a MIL yet (DC are early 20s), but I will live by a dear older friend’s mantra, “I will love who they love.” So far, this has served me well.

I am carefully cultivating my own interests, hobbies, interests and relationships - nearly all independent of DH and certainly of DC. My identity has never been “being a mom” and it’s not going to become “being a grandma.” I have raised my DC, but I don’t plan to “raise” grandchildren. No unannounced visits. I will respect DC and partners relationship, priorities and privacy.

I don’t expect to be feted, celebrated and the center of attention. I’ll be more than happy to
host a holiday dinner, or not. Stay with us, or not.

I pledge to not offer my unsolicited opinions or observations.

Love this - you get it!

[Anonymous]

I got along fine with my DIL until she turned into a total whack job, it took about five years. Even then I didn't have negative interactions with her myself, it was my son who suffered.

MILs get a lot of crap on this forum mostly due to the DCUM demographics but I think we all know it's not always the MIL or either spouse's parent who is causing the trouble.

[Anonymous]

My opinion is that things often turn sour when a couple’s first baby is born- a tricky time for the grandparent/IL relationship. Usually the relationship recovers from any issues (eventually) but sometimes it sets up years of problems and resentment.

Jealousy of the “other grandparents” (usually paternal grandparents jealous of the mom’s parents), sharing opinions about hot button topics like bottle feeding vs breastfeeding, SAHM vs WOHM, etc, expectations around religious/cultural traditions (especially these days with so many culturally and religiously mixed marriages of various types). From the side of the new parents- often strange and rigid rules (no visitors at the hospital, or no visitors for x number of weeks after the birth etc).

I think if grandparents could ride out that first year by being flexible and complimentary, lowered expectations, keep opinions to themselves etc- a lot of these problems could be headed off. New parents can be difficult- it is a big life transition- but things tend to ease once baby is a little older. Often things are totally different by the time a couple has a 2nd child (if they do). Instead a lot of grandparents get emotional and barrel in, guns blazing, etc and tends to damage the relationship- sometimes even does lasting damage.

My 2 cents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My MIL was always kind and loving to me. My own mom is the exact opposite.

This

[Anonymous]

How did your SIL give you a granddaughter? You have a Jerry Springer episode we can watch?

[Anonymous]

Usually it is a disagreement about (the adult child’s) family lifestyle or childrearing, or how often the grandparents see the family/grandkids. Any disapproval or disagreement in these areas is usually blamed on the “married in” spouse….

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I was posting about the MIL and mother have a hard time accepting adult child and their spouse. From a Grandma’s perspective I think it comes down to accepting that their adult children no longer need them. Plus, it is not the same world we raised fl our children in.
I find mothers of sons have more problems letting go. It’s a my son, my son situation. No one is good enough for their son. I was hoping this forum would be a good place to talk about elder perspectives.

Except you have trouble accepting that others have different experiences. I have a good relationship with my in-laws, and a fragile one with my own mother. My best friend gets on well with her MIL, and had a difficult time with her FIL. Even my friends who complain about their MILs do have a courteous relationship with them.

So... as so often happens, OP, you seem to believe that online complaints are an accurate reflection of real life. They're not. It's mostly the complainers who post. The happy ones don't.

How nice that you have a good relationship. Bravo

But this post is about the grandparents or parents of adult children. It is not about the adult child’s perspective. It is a topic talked about in my circle(grandparents). We vent to each other because we will do anything and everything to keep our adult kids happy and avoid family drama. If you follow DCUM on a regular basis you will see there is a lot of vitriol toward grandparents/grandparents. You have the power to keep our grandkids away from us. We are acutely aware of this and know grandparents who have been cut off. That would destroy us and we know it and work to keep you happy. The fact is we often don’t feel respected and know it’s not intended, just unaware. Your response is all about you. This proves my point.

[Anonymous]

The question remains. When grandmas get together why do some grandmas complain so much about their SIL or DIL?
Adult children need not respond. Maybe the take away for you is, your parents or MIL are often placating and keeping peace.
I was with a group of Grandma friends where 3 women went on and on about their DILs with petty complaints. All is outwardly at peace but the problem is bigger than these little issues.
I think Mamma has a hard time letting go of their child and I see this particularly in mothers of sons.
I would much rather focus on the adorable things our grandkids say and do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The question remains. When grandmas get together why do some grandmas complain so much about their SIL or DIL?
Adult children need not respond. Maybe the take away for you is, your parents or MIL are often placating and keeping peace.
I was with a group of Grandma friends where 3 women went on and on about their DILs with petty complaints. All is outwardly at peace but the problem is bigger than these little issues.
I think Mamma has a hard time letting go of their child and I see this particularly in mothers of sons.
I would much rather focus on the adorable things our grandkids say and do.

I’m not sure you’ll get a normal grandma to respond because they likely don’t see their behaviors as a problem. MIL told both of my late elementary sons that she “doesn’t like the way your mom takes you to the barber to get your hair cut like that. It’s old-fashioned and unflattering.” (Their hairstyles are very traditional and boring, not exactly exciting enough to start conversation). So they feel self-conscious, and it’s a dig at me. Guaranteed she said this and simply moved on her with her day.