Would you help pay for a relative's divorce?

[Anonymous]

In this case I would. Are there young kids involved?

[Anonymous]

I personally would not. You describe the husband as an “overgrown baby” but she also is acting like a child, expecting others to swoop in and save her from her own decisions.
Once you go down that path, where will it end?
She needs to grow up. The time to start is now. I’d help her find legal aid services. I would not give money to someone who cannot manage money or manage to arrange their own divorce. Once I gave money to someone to help them have a deposit for a subsidized apartment. A month later, they came back asking for more money because the apartment arrangement had been delayed but in the meantime they spent they money on other things. Once you agree, through paying for her divorce, that you are a source of funds for her needs, it will never end and may poison your relationship. Unless you are super wealthy you need to save for your own retirement and your kids college funds.

[Anonymous]

Of course. This is your brother’s sister.

Of my friends who got divorced, their siblings or parents always helped with legal fees and often to pay for a down payment on new home or take family member in. In the situations this happens, the wife was in the inferior financial situation whether she earned less or wasn’t working with kids.

I don’t think a cousin would need to step up but absolutely parents and siblings.

[Anonymous]

I would not let a family member in “an inferior financial situation” move in with me, unless I was expecting this to potentially be a permanent situation. Why does someone need to “step up” when this is an adult who has made their own decisions (to, for example, have kids, not work, etc)? The person who should “step up” is the family member who wants to get divorced. In some cases “help” is not actually help and just perpetuates a child-like assumption that others will pick up the pieces rather than being forced to deal with the natural consequences of their decisions.

[Anonymous]

I would expect her to make steps towards helping herself first before asking for a hand out. She needs to start moving money so that he can't spend it, and save up for what she needs to do.

[Anonymous]

If she's taken concrete steps to find a lawyer and has a reasonable plan to proceed, then yes.

But I would not just write a check for some vague legal fees.

We have one set of relatives who are like your SIL and BIL. The H spends money on his "toys" and expensive hobbies while the whole family is on a tight budget. Whenever an emergency arises, they ask everyone in the family for money. The thing is, it will never end. They're terrible with money but see everyone as their emergency fund.

[Anonymous]

Btdt

We helped with some expenses which we paid directly.

We did not help with living expenses like rent, etc. because people quickly learn to live above their means and you end up lowering yours to support theirs and it’s hard to pull the plug on that.

Once a family member paid 6 months rent to help a family member leave an abuser which is a way different situation.

So I’d pay the consult with the lawyer and moving expenses but not much else.

Does she work?

[Anonymous]

No. You are an able bodied adult, go get your own money to divorce your spouse. I'd be offended if anyone asked me to do that.

[Anonymous]

if they were serious about it, yes, I'd offer to help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No. You are an able bodied adult, go get your own money to divorce your spouse. I'd be offended if anyone asked me to do that.

+1.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would not let a family member in “an inferior financial situation” move in with me, unless I was expecting this to potentially be a permanent situation. Why does someone need to “step up” when this is an adult who has made their own decisions (to, for example, have kids, not work, etc)? The person who should “step up” is the family member who wants to get divorced. In some cases “help” is not actually help and just perpetuates a child-like assumption that others will pick up the pieces rather than being forced to deal with the natural consequences of their decisions.

Wow, I would not want you as my sister. I hope my kids will be there for one another if they need help.

[Anonymous]

Just make sure the ex isn’t manipulating her to give him money. You don’t want to be subsidizing the bums lifestyle with your money.

[Anonymous]

No. She is an adult and should find a way to solve her own problems without asking others to bail her out. Embarrassing.

[Anonymous]

If my DH and SIL had a very good relationship then I’d definitely help her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would not let a family member in “an inferior financial situation” move in with me, unless I was expecting this to potentially be a permanent situation. Why does someone need to “step up” when this is an adult who has made their own decisions (to, for example, have kids, not work, etc)? The person who should “step up” is the family member who wants to get divorced. In some cases “help” is not actually help and just perpetuates a child-like assumption that others will pick up the pieces rather than being forced to deal with the natural consequences of their decisions.

Wow, I would not want you as my sister. I hope my kids will be there for one another if they need help.

There is no abuse or drugs cited in OPs original post; Simply that spouse is spendthrift and a man baby. SIL does not need to be bailed out of that situation. She needs to move money and save up, then leave. It's called adulting.