How to talk to kid about first kiss/early physical contact

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Make sure you teach consent

Absolutely, this is essential. Clear consent, not "assumed consent" or "implied consent".

So does this mean he is supposed to ask her if he may kiss her? Get her explicit permission for a kiss?

Yes. He should ask her and be prepared to hear no or "i dont know" which is a no. He should not kiss her unless she says yes. Taking and responding to rejection with dignity is something a lot of boys need to learn. Your guidance here will come in handy as he does not have these tools himself.

[Anonymous]

I still remember being in 7th grade (I think I was 12). I went to a movie with a boy. The next day in school he sent me a letter that said "next time can I touch your boob? Circle yes or no" lol. I circled no

Needless to say, I would just focus everything on consent. And I think an important lesson is that coercion is not consent. Repeatedly asking and asking or pushing and pushing until someone gives in is NOT okay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ugh. Can’t imagine my 12 year old even thinking that. How weird.

Why did you post?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Make sure you teach consent

Absolutely, this is essential. Clear consent, not "assumed consent" or "implied consent".

So does this mean he is supposed to ask her if he may kiss her? Get her explicit permission for a kiss?

Yes. Here are the basic guidelines:

Top things to know about consent:

-Consent is given with enthusiasm

-You can withdraw consent at any time

-The best way to know you have someone’s consent is to ask them

Even if you’ve heard of sexual consent, you might be unsure of how to give it or ask for it. Whether you’re down to kiss, touch, or to simply just sext, we’re here to help! For the purposes of this article, we’ll be using the terms sex and sexual activity to refer to the whole range of sexual intimacies that require consent, including (but not limited to) phone sex, kissing, dry humping, genital rubbing, oral sex, vaginal sex, and anal sex.

1. What is sexual consent?
The legal definition of sexual consent changes based on where you are located, but the principle is always the same. Sexual consent is an agreement between people to have sex or to engage in a sexual activity together. You have the right to choose what you do, with whom, and how—giving your full consent requires the communication of your expectations, boundaries, and desires to your sexual partner(s), as well as their understanding and acknowledgement of these preferences.

Sexual consent should be:

Enthusiastic: You want to have sex or engage in a sexual activity with a partner.
Mutual: Your partner also wants to have sex or engage in sexual activity with you.
Voluntary: You have decided to have sex or engage in a sexual activity without external pressure, expectation, or guilt. You understand what’s going on and are not incapacitated by alcohol or drugs.
Informed: You understand the terms and boundaries of having sex or engaging in a sexual activity. If at any time, the terms of the situation change (say, if your partner removes their condom during sex without telling you) then your original consent becomes invalid.
Ongoing: There is no such thing as blanket consent, even if you have had sex or have engaged in sexual activity with a partner, before. Saying yes to one sexual activity doesn’t mean you agree to do it again in the future, or that you consent to other sexual activities. Consent is needed each time for each specific activity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Make sure you teach consent

Absolutely, this is essential. Clear consent, not "assumed consent" or "implied consent".

So does this mean he is supposed to ask her if he may kiss her? Get her explicit permission for a kiss?

Yes. Here are the basic guidelines:

Top things to know about consent:

-Consent is given with enthusiasm

-You can withdraw consent at any time

-The best way to know you have someone’s consent is to ask them

Even if you’ve heard of sexual consent, you might be unsure of how to give it or ask for it. Whether you’re down to kiss, touch, or to simply just sext, we’re here to help! For the purposes of this article, we’ll be using the terms sex and sexual activity to refer to the whole range of sexual intimacies that require consent, including (but not limited to) phone sex, kissing, dry humping, genital rubbing, oral sex, vaginal sex, and anal sex.

1. What is sexual consent?
The legal definition of sexual consent changes based on where you are located, but the principle is always the same. Sexual consent is an agreement between people to have sex or to engage in a sexual activity together. You have the right to choose what you do, with whom, and how—giving your full consent requires the communication of your expectations, boundaries, and desires to your sexual partner(s), as well as their understanding and acknowledgement of these preferences.

Sexual consent should be:

Enthusiastic: You want to have sex or engage in a sexual activity with a partner.
Mutual: Your partner also wants to have sex or engage in sexual activity with you.
Voluntary: You have decided to have sex or engage in a sexual activity without external pressure, expectation, or guilt. You understand what’s going on and are not incapacitated by alcohol or drugs.
Informed: You understand the terms and boundaries of having sex or engaging in a sexual activity. If at any time, the terms of the situation change (say, if your partner removes their condom during sex without telling you) then your original consent becomes invalid.
Ongoing: There is no such thing as blanket consent, even if you have had sex or have engaged in sexual activity with a partner, before. Saying yes to one sexual activity doesn’t mean you agree to do it again in the future, or that you consent to other sexual activities. Consent is needed each time for each specific activity.

Print this and have your kid read it before their first kiss, have partner read it and both of them sign.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you’re really a 7th grader mom .. he could be my DD’s middle school BF. Both 12yo.

I had a first peck on the lips in 5th grade. I think that’s what you’re talking about right.

At 12, I think these kids may still be grossed out by open mouth kissing.

But watch out for hand stuff? Right?? (Ughhh)

I think it would be appropriate to teach these kids that nobody touches where the swimsuit covers. A rule that could keep things simple for a good while

A “good while” meaning two weeks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Make sure you teach consent

Absolutely, this is essential. Clear consent, not "assumed consent" or "implied consent".

So does this mean he is supposed to ask her if he may kiss her? Get her explicit permission for a kiss?

Ideally yes

This is dumb, no one actually does this. Obviously if the girl pulls away read the room and don't be an idiot but no one asks permission.

[Anonymous]

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a 12 year old 6th grader who has expressed that he wants to kiss a girl he likes who has apparently expressed interest in him as well. We have had very open conversations over the years about sex and relationships, but they were always abstract to a certain extent because he was too young and not there yet. And now he’s there. I personally still think he is WAY too young but I also realize screaming that at him is not going to get me the result I want (which is for him to first learn how to consider when to get physical with someone and second wait awhile longer before doing this).

How did you talk to your kids about this issue once it became more real? Welcome any advice on rules you set, advice you gave, and any other recommendations on how to handle this stage with some tact and utility.

Thanks.

Good question! The first place to start, OP, is determining which legal jurisdiction you live in:

DC, MD, or VA? The laws vary somewhat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Make sure you teach consent

Absolutely, this is essential. Clear consent, not "assumed consent" or "implied consent".

So does this mean he is supposed to ask her if he may kiss her? Get her explicit permission for a kiss?

Ideally yes

Not even ideally yes. Actually yes and only if a clear yes. Mom message needs to be if not comfortable asking the question or giving the answer, they aren’t ready.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Make sure you teach consent

Absolutely, this is essential. Clear consent, not "assumed consent" or "implied consent".

So does this mean he is supposed to ask her if he may kiss her? Get her explicit permission for a kiss?

Things have changed. Yes, ask. It’s easy to do.

Ideally yes

This is dumb, no one actually does this. Obviously if the girl pulls away read the room and don't be an idiot but no one asks permission.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Make sure you teach consent

Absolutely, this is essential. Clear consent, not "assumed consent" or "implied consent".

So does this mean he is supposed to ask her if he may kiss her? Get her explicit permission for a kiss?

Things have changed. Yes, ask. It’s easy to do.

Ideally yes

This is dumb, no one actually does this. Obviously if the girl pulls away read the room and don't be an idiot but no one asks permission.

Reading the room is not what’s taught these days. The too often failure to read room is why all the talk about consent now.

[Anonymous]

I am a dinosaur (i.e. I was in high school in the 80s) and I had a boy explicitly ask me if he could kiss me. As an adult, I even had a date say, "I am nervous about kissing you" before our first kiss. It's charming, not dumb, and it's not true that 'nobody' does it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a dinosaur (i.e. I was in high school in the 80s) and I had a boy explicitly ask me if he could kiss me. As an adult, I even had a date say, "I am nervous about kissing you" before our first kiss. It's charming, not dumb, and it's not true that 'nobody' does it.

It's the move of a beta, not an alpha.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a dinosaur (i.e. I was in high school in the 80s) and I had a boy explicitly ask me if he could kiss me. As an adult, I even had a date say, "I am nervous about kissing you" before our first kiss. It's charming, not dumb, and it's not true that 'nobody' does it.

+1 many people do it.

In fact many colleges require it all the time. Every time.