Appropriate punishment for DD?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would let her go to the concert but find another punishment that she will remember that feels connected

Same. Taking the concert away just feel like you throwing a temper tantrum back.

But you don’t seem mad enough - I can think of no legitimate reason to purposefully flood a bathroom by clogging toilets. None.

That's because there isn't one. This sounds like a tiktok challenge.

[Anonymous]

How old is your daughter? I'm sure she knows that HS suspensions are to be reported on college applications...

[Anonymous]

I would not take away the concert. I would have her do community service and take away her phone for a while. I’d definitely make sure the punishment is severe enough that it “hurts”. But do not take away the concert, she will remember it forever and likely hate you for it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How exactly could this not be her fault? That's a pretty willful act that takes some planning and intent. You sound like you tend to make excuses for her and/or let her off the hook. How old is she?

Exactly! Op is delusional and not doing her dd any favors by thinking she is somewhat innocent of her crime.

[Anonymous]

I don't think there is one right answer about this. The main thing you want to do is ensure she understands the gravity of what she did and doesn't even *think* about trying something remotely like it in the future.

In general, I favor consequences that come immediately and are linked to the transgression at hand, such as having to clean the school bathrooms for a week (random example, not necessarily suggesting it's the best idea). You know your child best and what will have the most impact. I know some kids that would be so horrified at being suspended, that would do the trick; but others who need more consequences.

My son has a friend who always seems to be grounded. But it doesn't change his ways. Sometimes a different tactic is more effective.

Whether a concert after Xmas will have the impact you're looking for, I don't know. The fact that you've already paid for the ticket should be inconsequential to the decision. If you choose to take away the concert and the ticket can't be resold, you could always put her on the hook to earn back the money. But I'm not clear that removing the concert is the most effective tactic--you know your daughter best and can make that call. If it is, then DO it...because it will be inconsequential compared to steering her to make better choices in the future.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How exactly could this not be her fault? That's a pretty willful act that takes some planning and intent. You sound like you tend to make excuses for her and/or let her off the hook. How old is she?

It's vandalism. It costs the school money to clean up. It is wrong. OP, the way you phrased your first post tells us that you are hiding some facts that you know won't be received well here. Time to wake up and smell the coffee. You have a problem. Does DD have a therapist?

[Anonymous]

I think we need to know what this alleged additional context is because that sounds really bad. Was she held at gunpoint? Severely bullied? She is special needs? Because without some serious factors this is pretty unjustifiable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would take the concert away from her as a consequence. She'll be spitting nails and mad as can be at you, but she needs to learn.

As well as personally apologize to everyone involved, including the custodian or other staff who had the fun pleasure of cleaning up after her antics.

Kids should get one pass on bad mistakes. One.
Show her kindness and as an example and let her go.

No, she got SUSPENDED. No "Pass" for this. I'm not saying the concert has to be the consequence, but you are really setting a dangerous precedent if she does something so dumb - and that is super dumb and obnoxious - that she gets suspended, then she needs to know you're not messing around. Think of a holiday consequence that she will really really miss/regret if she doesn't get it/do it.

Also DO commend her for working hard in school and tell her that whatever other dynamics are there that you think aren't on her, that you understand those. But in the end she still had a choice, she chose wrong and participated, and she needs to understand that whatever serious consequence you DO enforce (and you must pick something that she really values), that is only the beginning of what will happen and what she will lose/consequences if she keeps hanging out with them or goes along with more ideas that are so clearly wrong again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How exactly could this not be her fault? That's a pretty willful act that takes some planning and intent. You sound like you tend to make excuses for her and/or let her off the hook. How old is she?

It's vandalism. It costs the school money to clean up. It is wrong. OP, the way you phrased your first post tells us that you are hiding some facts that you know won't be received well here. Time to wake up and smell the coffee. You have a problem. Does DD have a therapist?

100% Correct

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would let her go to the concert but find another punishment that she will remember that feels connected

Same. Taking the concert away just feel like you throwing a temper tantrum back.

But you don’t seem mad enough - I can think of no legitimate reason to purposefully flood a bathroom by clogging toilets. None.

? giving out punishment is now a "throwing a temper tantrum back"? what on earth?

Op, it's hard to say without further context about WHY she did what she did.

On the surface, a 3day suspension IMO is a big enough deal that she should not be allowed to go to the concert. It does seem like a reward to me.

This would be a hard lesson for her to learn. Painful for you, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would not take away the concert. I would have her do community service and take away her phone for a while. I’d definitely make sure the punishment is severe enough that it “hurts”. But do not take away the concert, she will remember it forever and likely hate you for it.

taking away her phone and doing community service is not that big of a deal for a 3day suspension.

[Anonymous]

The other thing that doesn't add up in this story is how she got to 3 days suspension. If this was her first time ever being on the radar at her school, highly unlikely they would escalate to 3 days suspension immediately.

Hard to know without whatever context you think you have. That is a very willful and premeditated act that takes a lot of work to accomplish. I personally do go by the you're allowed to make a mistake and then we're going to talk about it and problem solve and be crystal clear on expectations and the mistake better not be repeated. But it's not a mistake on this scale.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DD has been involved in weird situation at school. Not completley her fault, but an incident has resulted in a 3 day suspension. For some context: she and her friends were purposefully clogging the toilets in an attempt to overflow the school. Yes, I know, unbelivable, but there's some additional context that is not worth getting into. Bottom line is, she is attending the Drizzy Drake and Jermaine Cole tour "big as the what?" should I let her go? Or is it reasomable enough to not let her go even though we've already bought the tickets and it would be too much of a hassle to sell them and she has been working hard and looking forward to it. Obviously she did something wrong but she has been working hard in school and im still proud of her. Help me out here.

It is 100% her fault and she deserved the suspension. She'd be grounded except for school/sports/activities and no friends, no concerts nothing. She behaves that way as you allow it.

[Anonymous]

What context could there possibly be for purposefully clogging school toilets that would make it even a little okay?

[Anonymous]

Is she going to the concert with these same kids? Are these kids trouble or did they do something stupid. You know the difference. This isn’t that clear cut.

My son got in trouble with a friend a long time ago. We knew this other kid for years and knew they both made a really bad choice and acted stupid but neither were troubled kids going down a bad path. There were consequences but mainly they weren’t hanging out anywhere together for a long time unsupervised.