can I un-invite a mean girl?

[Anonymous]

what is not a big deal to you may be a big deal to the 6 year old. if someone was verbally bullying my child, goodbye. we also need to teach our daughters not to accept and, in fact, celebrate mean girl behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I posted earlier telling the OP that this was not a big deal. And I stand by that. At 7, 8, 9, 10? Would you also uninvite then too? What about 26? Honestly, this stuff is very common and it is different from one day to the next. And I think parents of toddlers and preschoolers have a hard time understanding how common it is and how important it is not to get too involved in these things. Is it mean, sure, but managing it is a part of life. I can tell you that this has happened to my child and we have used it as a chance to talk about how to handle these situations. And my kid has also been the one to be doing the mean talk and I have used that as a chance to teach her about not doing that. If another parent called me and said, "your daughter is being mean to mine," and their example was that my daughter said, "I don't like you. You're not my friend," I would have a really hard time not laughing at the other parent. I mean really. Think about it all of you who are advocating for the OP to call the other parent and tell the other parent that the other kid is being mean. Think about how you would honestly react if some parent you did not know called you and told you that your daughter was being mean. Can you honestly say that your reaction would be to chastise your child? Or would you be more apt to tell the other parent to tell their kid to tell your kid to eff off (figuratively speaking)? Be honest.

I would not invite someone to a party that my daughter didn't like, but I would not uninvite a child in the circumstances that OP describes with only some "I don't like you(s)." "You're not my friend." "You can't play with us." as the support for uninviting. Honestly, if they were going to be together in camp for another thing, they would be bffs in a few days.

I completely disagree with you on this. If a child is verbally being hostile to my child at camp, why one earth would my child she have to invite her to a social event? I don't get it.

You ask if I'd feel the same if the girls were older -- 27? Hmmm, let me think. If at 27 I invite a coworker to a party, and later that day in the lunchroom she tells me "You can't sit here, I'm sitting with my real friend. We don't like you. Go away" -- I think I would uninvite HER to my party too!

If anpther parent calle dme to tell me my child was saying nasty things to her... I certainly would understand if my child wasn't being invited to that girl's party! And you can bet I'd tell my daughter it was only what she had coming. You can't be mean and nasty to "friends" and expect them to invite you to their birthday party. Life just doesn't work that way.

[Anonymous]

The mean girl is already invited to the party. The post is about telling her parent(s) that said mean girl is uninvited and why. Of course one would not invite such a child in the first place, but that isn't what the post was about. And my question was whether or not one would feel the same necessity to intervene in a squabble between your child and another when your child is 27, not whether you would disinvite after a squabble.

[Anonymous]

Does anyone else think it's wrong to characterize a 6-yr old as a "mean girl?" Isn't that term used more with high school girls or older? It sounds like this child is being totally obnoxious, but it shows lack of maturity, lack of impulse control, poor judgment, inability to handle or process her feelings/emotions and therefore lashing out improperly at someone else, etc, but not that the child is a mean or malicious person. She's only 6 years old.

I'd talk to the other mother, explain that your child is upset, and see where that conversation goes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The mean girl is already invited to the party. The post is about telling her parent(s) that said mean girl is uninvited and why. Of course one would not invite such a child in the first place, but that isn't what the post was about. And my question was whether or not one would feel the same necessity to intervene in a squabble between your child and another when your child is 27, not whether you would disinvite after a squabble.

Oh. Well I don't see this as intervening. If a child at 6 doesn't want to invite a girl who says "Yu are not my friend, I don't like you, you can't sit with me" to her party, I'd say she doesn't have to (and I'd say she can uninvite that girl as well!)

If my daughter asked me for my advice on the matter at age 27, I'd tell her as far as I know manners do not require her to invite a co-worker who says such things, either.

[Anonymous]

My daughter has a few girls in her group that get jealous and stir up trouble from time to time (exclude various girls etc.) - it is sort of typical even among friends I'm afraid. If a group comes to our house for a party or any other reason and I see bad behavior, I'll call the them out out right away - pull them aside and tell them we do not act that way here and if I see it again I will call their parents to pick them up. I had to do this once - never had to call the parents, but pulled a girl aside (the main one). It has never happened again - with any of the girls. I'm not a super strict parent by any means, but I have no problem being the parent that won't take any crap.

[Anonymous]

This: " agree that you should call the other mom and explain. Don't blame. "something's been going on between Jane and Mary and I'm not sure what it is. Here's what my daughter is telling me; I know you'll want to also get your daughter's perspective. I am calling just because I am planning to talk to my child before the party, and I hope you will to, to be sure this doesn't continue."

If my daughter was being mean like that I would want the opportunity to talk to her about meanness and kindness. "

I would also go on to say that if her daughter does feel that the friendship is over, it is perfectly fine for her not to come to the party now.

I actually had this happen to us. The other mother spoke to her child. The child came to the party and apologized to DC. But then, they are schoolmates, so they had to deal with it since they couldn't avoid each other. In their case, things got patched up and it wasn't repeated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My daughter has a few girls in her group that get jealous and stir up trouble from time to time (exclude various girls etc.) - it is sort of typical even among friends I'm afraid. If a group comes to our house for a party or any other reason and I see bad behavior, I'll call the them out out right away - pull them aside and tell them we do not act that way here and if I see it again I will call their parents to pick them up. I had to do this once - never had to call the parents, but pulled a girl aside (the main one). It has never happened again - with any of the girls. I'm not a super strict parent by any means, but I have no problem being the parent that won't take any crap.

Bingo! This is what I was going to recommend. Uninviting is not the message you want to teach your daughter. It's just poor manners. Be prepared to watch this girl like a hawk. At the first unkind tone -- chime in with "we talk kindly in my house." Don't take any crap. I do not get the impression that your daughter is dreading this girls attendance -- but that you are. You'll be fine. A PP is likely correct, there will almost certainly be not opportunity for this kind of "mean" behavior at the party. Get through the party and then you'll never see her again. You also won't have taught your daughter poor manners (uninviting someone when you've decided you don't like them after all).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree that you should call the other mom and explain. Don't blame. "something's been going on between Jane and Mary and I'm not sure what it is. Here's what my daughter is telling me; I know you'll want to also get your daughter's perspective. I am calling just because I am planning to talk to my child before the party, and I hope you will to, to be sure this doesn't continue."

If my daughter was being mean like that I would want the opportunity to talk to her about meanness and kindness.

I agree. I think this is the best approach - a learning opportunity that may turn out well for both girls or may be a clean break, depending on how the other parent deals with it. But anyway, it puts the ball in their court and brings to bear "grown up" social skills to help young kids better navigate through life. Given that these are 6 year olds, they are still playing with social rules and do not really always understand the repercussions.

[Anonymous]

I agree..you have your daughters back by making sure her (former) friend behaves well and does not take away from your daughter's day. I am assuming the party will be predominantly school friends so this girl will be more of an outsider which should help keep her in her place. Good Luck!

[Anonymous]

I agree with a PP that six years old is far too young for adults to categorize a child as a mean girl.

Kids are people too. They have good days and bad days. Sometimes our own children are great and sometimes they're not. Also, when events occur or words are spoken, we usually hear our children's version which always seems to paint themselves as totally innocent. Kids say and do crappy things to each other and usually left alone they will work things out for themselves.

Another thing is that in social situations kids don't have the same long term memory as adults. Kids can fall in and out of friendships in short periods of time and then before you know it they are BFFs again.

When we parents become involved, buy-in and label a child as "Bad" we then become vested in proving that child to be evil. Parents can continue to remember mean words or a shoving match between kids years after it has been long forgotten by their children. In short, all be it difficult, we need to avoid abusing our power as adults to label and ostracize other people’s children.

Support and if necessary protect your child, however unless the offense was truly awful, be a gracious adult and forgive the little girl for having been mean.

Who knows, maybe someday your little girl will also need forgiveness.

[Anonymous]

I would. If your daughter doesn't go to the same school you won't have to deal with the mean girl's mean parent. You're in for a bumpy ride, by the way. I have an 11-year-old and the girls are unbelievably horrible bitches. Just sayin' -- it gets way worse.

[Anonymous]

I agree with a PP that six years old is far too young for adults to categorize a child as a mean girl.

Kids are people too. They have good days and bad days. Sometimes our own children are great and sometimes they're not. Also, when events occur or words are spoken, we usually hear our children's version which always seems to paint themselves as totally innocent. Kids say and do crappy things to each other and usually left alone they will work things out for themselves.

Another thing is that in social situations kids don't have the same long term memory as adults. Kids can fall in and out of friendships in short periods of time and then before you know it they are BFFs again.

When we parents become involved, buy-in and label a child as "Bad" we then become vested in proving that child to be evil. Parents can continue to remember mean words or a shoving match between kids years after it has been long forgotten by their children. In short, all be it difficult, we need to avoid abusing our power as adults to label and ostracize other people’s children.

Support and if necessary protect your child, however unless the offense was truly awful, be a gracious adult and forgive the little girl for having been mean.

Who knows, maybe someday your little girl will also need forgiveness.

[Anonymous]

To 10:47 from 8:07

I went back and read the particulars of the original posting and the little girl's behaviors do seem to be more serious than I initially perceived. So I do understand your visceral response.

Nevertheless, I encourage you to respond to situations like this with kindness. In general, but especially as parents dealing with children, we should be bigger and better people than our attackers. No one is asking you to be anyone's door mat, just to respond first with kindness before reacting with anger and vengeance.

[Anonymous]

Any update as to what ACTUALLY happened in the situation? OP?