Does the social needs forum feel like it’s changed?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a theory that threads that don’t have an obvious SN title tend to get people from recent topics who are nastier than the people who come here on purpose.

Although there are a few topics that will set off SN parents (medication, masking, ASD definitions, etc).

👍

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Two of the things that frustrate me are:

1. Instead of talking about the child and their needs and ideas of stuff to try, I feel like NO MATTER WHAT there are posters that want to hone in on what I have done and not done and criticize my every move. It’s not even about figuring out next steps, it’s about figuring out all the ways I have screwed up as a parent of my SN child.

2. There’s this demand that I post EVERY SINGLE DETAIL of my child, every issue, every doctor we’ve seen, every diagnosis, every therapy, and exactly where I live. I can’t just ask a question about one thing without opening myself up to a comprehensive review of my child’s entire medical and academic history.

Yes. People want to find a way to criticize you so they say they need more information and then when you provide it they say they can’t believe you did XYZ etc etc. my favorite is the people who are like “we’re only getting one side” who like question if the information you presented is accurate. It’s exhausting.

[Anonymous]

Since all replies are from people you do not know and therefore do not respect why would you let snarky or even just disagreeing posts bother you? I suggest trying to dismiss comments that don't seem valuable and focus on the ones that are valuable. That doesn't mean argue with the ones you dismiss, in fact it means very much don't. You can still get some helpful input if you follow these recommendations.

I don't know if this special needs forum has changed or if the commenters are less helpful but I do know all forums have devolved to some degree.

[Anonymous]

I’ve only been checking this forum frequently for the past two years or so when my teen really started having issues but overall I’ve found it a great source of support. Maybe I’m comparing it to the FCPS forum, which could be not understanding and so nasty.

[Anonymous]

I think it is an immensely helpful resource. I have benefited greatly and I try to share my experiences because I was successful in getting services and a nonmainstream placement. Also one of my kids has intense MH issues and many people struggle with getting services in that area.

What I see is a lot more arguing - things like that MH can be cured with better parenting. For example the current school refusal thread. If only that OP made her house boring her kid would be begging to go to school. Fix your parenting and you will have fixed your problem. This is not to ignore that we need to be on top of our parenting game.

I also see SN parents posting but then Wanting to dig in their heels when all of the advice they received is consistent and contrary with the way they want it to be. That’s easier to tolerate though because we all know how hard the road is and sometimes a temper tantrum is what we need before we can take a deep breath and do what’s needed.

Finally I see SN parents insisting that their experience is the only right one which completely ignored that so many things are governed by state law and vary by school system and even schools within the system. For example those threads that insist a kid must be evaluated within a particular number of days after the request when that’s state law specific so there is not one right answer.

I do hope people keep asking for advice and that people who I know and have been through it keep sharing their wisdom.

[Anonymous]

I do think some of the responses are harsher but most are not unnecessarily harsh.

When I was on this forum a lot many years ago during a difficult period for DC many people were supportive and I learned a lot from their advice but some of it leaned towards unrealistic. It sent us down a path of fighting for things we would never actually get or help.

I wish someone had told me to just stop wasting my money and time. I appreciate the harsh reality check posters and think they are usually balanced by nicer posters in the same thread.

[Anonymous]

Jeff is very good about deleting the comments from the mom/wife who comes here only to complain about autism. You just need to flag them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it is an immensely helpful resource. I have benefited greatly and I try to share my experiences because I was successful in getting services and a nonmainstream placement. Also one of my kids has intense MH issues and many people struggle with getting services in that area.

What I see is a lot more arguing - things like that MH can be cured with better parenting. For example the current school refusal thread. If only that OP made her house boring her kid would be begging to go to school. Fix your parenting and you will have fixed your problem. This is not to ignore that we need to be on top of our parenting game.

I also see SN parents posting but then Wanting to dig in their heels when all of the advice they received is consistent and contrary with the way they want it to be. That’s easier to tolerate though because we all know how hard the road is and sometimes a temper tantrum is what we need before we can take a deep breath and do what’s needed.

Finally I see SN parents insisting that their experience is the only right one which completely ignored that so many things are governed by state law and vary by school system and even schools within the system. For example those threads that insist a kid must be evaluated within a particular number of days after the request when that’s state law specific so there is not one right answer.

I do hope people keep asking for advice and that people who I know and have been through it keep sharing their wisdom.

I have not had time to weigh on the school refusal thread but as someone who was in her exact same place just recently taking away screens was probably the single most helpful piece of advice on that thread. I don't think it was a knock on her parenting. It was the same advice any therapist would have given her after charging her a $1000 initial eval fee just to get background and $200 an hour for actual advice. You should not reinforce school refusal by making it easy. That is behavioral change 101.

My work is how I imagine that OP's. You don't take time off from it but I had to, every single time, which meant loss money and creating issues at work. When I took away all devices, my child would scream and break things and call me names. It was horrible. I would be crying and throwing up the whole day in private. After some point child would return to school for a period and then it would start all over again for a few days. After a few months of this child started going to school again on a longer-term basis. We didn't just make this strategy up. We paid a small fortune from our savings to the Center for Behaviorial Change and Anxiety that someone else mentioned higher up in that thread for this advice. OP got it for free.

You might think the advice could have been given in a nicer way sure but it's still the right advice.

[Anonymous]

A few tips.
As others have mentioned, make it clear in the title that it's a SN post.
Also, feel free to report unhelpful/snarky replys to keep a post on track. If you say in your comment "post unhelpful" it will go. In health and medicine "post contains inaccurate information" gets things gone pretty quickly too.

Sometimes I reply telling somebody it's SN and their tone is not helpful. That tends to end it.

If we all spent about a week reporting (like next week) we might be able to get the civility back here.

[Anonymous]

I haven't been here for a very long time (our DC was only diagnosed 2 years ago) but this has been a very useful and helpful place for information, support, and resources. I'm totally grateful for all of the kind and generous advice I've gotten here!

[Anonymous]

As DCUM has gotten more popular, and it comes up in general google searches the special needs forum has become less useful. Lots of people posting questions about child behavior that may or may not be special needs related, but, they are unwilling to share many details. My kids are older, but I do still try and post if I see a topic where I can provide value added. I appreciate all the people who have provided resources about montgomery county, child find, IEP's, specific school age programs for my kid. Honestly the list goes on and on.

I think this forum is most useful for folks who are local to the DMV and have specific questions about local resources.

Times when this board seems most unhelpful: 1. If you don't want to provide specific information about your kid's behaviors/diagnoses and/or what local jurisdiction you live in. Don't bother, you are wasting people's time.
2. People posting questions like, "Is Autism Over-Diagnosed" or "Should I medicate my child" should just go to the general parenting thread. Those topics always seem to bring out the worst in folks (and attract trolls).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:2. There’s this demand that I post EVERY SINGLE DETAIL of my child, every issue, every doctor we’ve seen, every diagnosis, every therapy, and exactly where I live. I can’t just ask a question about one thing without opening myself up to a comprehensive review of my child’s entire medical and academic history.

I sometimes ask for details. I have decades of experience as a SN parent and teacher. If you don't want to post details, the archives can provide you much of what you're looking for. If you post details, you'll get better answers to your questions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:2. There’s this demand that I post EVERY SINGLE DETAIL of my child, every issue, every doctor we’ve seen, every diagnosis, every therapy, and exactly where I live. I can’t just ask a question about one thing without opening myself up to a comprehensive review of my child’s entire medical and academic history.

I sometimes ask for details. I have decades of experience as a SN parent and teacher. If you don't want to post details, the archives can provide you much of what you're looking for. If you post details, you'll get better answers to your questions.

I don't see this as a problem either. I think people are trying to be helpful but when people are asking questions like, "Could it be autism" or "Is this normal" and not providing the age or behaviors it's a waste of everyone's time to try to respond.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A few tips.
As others have mentioned, make it clear in the title that it's a SN post.
Also, feel free to report unhelpful/snarky replys to keep a post on track. If you say in your comment "post unhelpful" it will go. In health and medicine "post contains inaccurate information" gets things gone pretty quickly too.

Sometimes I reply telling somebody it's SN and their tone is not helpful. That tends to end it.

If we all spent about a week reporting (like next week) we might be able to get the civility back here.

I am completely against this. I think this is a great way to derail this entire board and make it completely useless. I've already seen posts and threads disappear from other threads that create a slanted view of an issue and create a way for people to further their own political agendas. The only reason the forum is valuable is because it crowdsources comments from all kinds of people. All the comments, even the hurtful ones, represent a real person's perspective.

Not helpful is not a reason to delete. Inaccurate information yes that should be deleted but IME others come on the forum pretty quickly to correct the inaccuracy so it's self-policing and doesn't require a censor to come in and do that. I draw the line at revealing someone else's personal information. I've seen people, mostly in other forums, give a lot of detail about specific children that you can identify from that information. That's malicious and defamatory and those posts personal attacks should be deleted.

Of course posts that are cruel, abusive especially in topics related to discrimination due to disability, race and religion should be policed but there is too much on the forum already that just disappears.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Since all replies are from people you do not know and therefore do not respect why would you let snarky or even just disagreeing posts bother you? I suggest trying to dismiss comments that don't seem valuable and focus on the ones that are valuable. That doesn't mean argue with the ones you dismiss, in fact it means very much don't. You can still get some helpful input if you follow these recommendations.

I don't know if this special needs forum has changed or if the commenters are less helpful but I do know all forums have devolved to some degree.

LOL at you doing exactly what the OP was complaining about. OP didn't want suggestions, she asked if others agreed that the forum had changed. Unsolicited advice is criticism.