Should we move Mom?

[Anonymous]

Let her stay until it’s time to move her into memory care. At that point it won’t matter if she is moving in the same facility or to another facility.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A good facility, and at the appropriate care-level, does not rely on family to provide care. Plenty of elders do not have anyone and they are cared for ok.

OP here again. I think my concern is that she bought in to this place, and if she were to leave I am not certain she can afford to buy in elsewhere. We are going to work on that.

It has definitely crossed my mind that this is why my sister is moving. Which is sad because she has never addressed any frustration with us. Mom moved about 2 years before her diagnosis, so this was an unknown. Sister is doing a lot for her, and we have hired someone to visit daily and give her meds, but I know more is needed. For some reason, sister takes it on herself even though we have said frequently that we need to make better use of the facility,

To resume:

1. This place has memory care and full nursing.
2. Your mother sunk her money there.
3. Your mother does not want to move.
4. Your sister moved AWAY because it was all getting too much.


Why not keep her there, OP? If you move her closer to you, you'll end up like your sister: bananas. Or do you think that you'll have more boundaries regarding running to and fro to help your mother and dealing with moods?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A good facility, and at the appropriate care-level, does not rely on family to provide care. Plenty of elders do not have anyone and they are cared for ok.

This is absolute nonsense. Do you even have family in “a good facility?” I do and pay 20k monthly for it. I still have to handle doctor appts, emergencies, restock depleted supplies (makeup/shampoo/dental needs/ etc), bring in broken hearing aids for repair, and regular visits bc they’re family and they’re lonely (I suppose some people don’t worry about this part). The staff knows which residents have visitors and attention to care is absolutely reflective of this. Don’t kid yourself that your loved ones needs are all being met bc you pay the bill.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A good facility, and at the appropriate care-level, does not rely on family to provide care. Plenty of elders do not have anyone and they are cared for ok.

OP here again. I think my concern is that she bought in to this place, and if she were to leave I am not certain she can afford to buy in elsewhere. We are going to work on that.

It has definitely crossed my mind that this is why my sister is moving. Which is sad because she has never addressed any frustration with us. Mom moved about 2 years before her diagnosis, so this was an unknown. Sister is doing a lot for her, and we have hired someone to visit daily and give her meds, but I know more is needed. For some reason, sister takes it on herself even though we have said frequently that we need to make better use of the facility,

To resume:

1. This place has memory care and full nursing.
2. Your mother sunk her money there.
3. Your mother does not want to move.
4. Your sister moved AWAY because it was all getting too much.


Why not keep her there, OP? If you move her closer to you, you'll end up like your sister: bananas. Or do you think that you'll have more boundaries regarding running to and fro to help your mother and dealing with moods?

OP here. She is saying she doesn’t want to move.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A good facility, and at the appropriate care-level, does not rely on family to provide care. Plenty of elders do not have anyone and they are cared for ok.

OP here again. I think my concern is that she bought in to this place, and if she were to leave I am not certain she can afford to buy in elsewhere. We are going to work on that.

It has definitely crossed my mind that this is why my sister is moving. Which is sad because she has never addressed any frustration with us. Mom moved about 2 years before her diagnosis, so this was an unknown. Sister is doing a lot for her, and we have hired someone to visit daily and give her meds, but I know more is needed. For some reason, sister takes it on herself even though we have said frequently that we need to make better use of the facility,

To resume:

1. This place has memory care and full nursing.
2. Your mother sunk her money there.
3. Your mother does not want to move.
4. Your sister moved AWAY because it was all getting too much.


Why not keep her there, OP? If you move her closer to you, you'll end up like your sister: bananas. Or do you think that you'll have more boundaries regarding running to and fro to help your mother and dealing with moods?

I think it is not realistic to have to drop everything for frequent day trips to help her given my job and family commitments.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A good facility, and at the appropriate care-level, does not rely on family to provide care. Plenty of elders do not have anyone and they are cared for ok.

This is absolute nonsense. Do you even have family in “a good facility?” I do and pay 20k monthly for it. I still have to handle doctor appts, emergencies, restock depleted supplies (makeup/shampoo/dental needs/ etc), bring in broken hearing aids for repair, and regular visits bc they’re family and they’re lonely (I suppose some people don’t worry about this part). The staff knows which residents have visitors and attention to care is absolutely reflective of this. Don’t kid yourself that your loved ones needs are all being met bc you pay the bill.

THIS is what I worry about!

[Anonymous]

My mom is in assisted living with dementia and I don't do any of the things the PP listed. They have a concierge doctor who visits the memory care floor and adjusts meds, they email me when she needs more toiletries and I buy them from Amazon and have their shipped to her. We pay someone about $300/week to visit a few times a week and be our eyes and ears and I visit a couple times a month when I can. Honestly I would probably keep her where she is assuming they can easily step up the care when it is needed. You can spend all your time taking care of a parent with dementia, but you don't have to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A good facility, and at the appropriate care-level, does not rely on family to provide care. Plenty of elders do not have anyone and they are cared for ok.

OP here again. I think my concern is that she bought in to this place, and if she were to leave I am not certain she can afford to buy in elsewhere. We are going to work on that.

It has definitely crossed my mind that this is why my sister is moving. Which is sad because she has never addressed any frustration with us. Mom moved about 2 years before her diagnosis, so this was an unknown. Sister is doing a lot for her, and we have hired someone to visit daily and give her meds, but I know more is needed. For some reason, sister takes it on herself even though we have said frequently that we need to make better use of the facility,

The reality is that no facility is going to take care of a relative as well as a daughter who can't stand to see her in a facility. Your sister probably knows it's time and she can't take it so she is moving away to not have to witness it, and feels that she can since she was the main person until now.

I feel for all of you, OP. BTDT. It's hard for all of you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom is in assisted living with dementia and I don't do any of the things the PP listed. They have a concierge doctor who visits the memory care floor and adjusts meds, they email me when she needs more toiletries and I buy them from Amazon and have their shipped to her. We pay someone about $300/week to visit a few times a week and be our eyes and ears and I visit a couple times a month when I can. Honestly I would probably keep her where she is assuming they can easily step up the care when it is needed. You can spend all your time taking care of a parent with dementia, but you don't have to.

This comment is judgmental and misguided, as every situation is different. It’s also why so many caregivers feel unseen and unsupported in this crushing role.

PP - You’re very lucky to have (what sounds like) an otherwise healthy parent, except for the dementia. I’m the poster you responded to and my parent with dementia has 8 specialists to manage all of her medical issues. The in-house doctor is a PCP who won’t touch these chronic health conditions. Her 18 medications, which are administered by the facility, frequently require adjustments and follow-up w/ these specialists. We pay an additional 1-3k monthly for hired comfort care visits and doctor appointment coverage when I have scheduling conflicts. We are very fortunate to have some money, but there simply aren’t unlimited funds to throw at all of this. For some of us, even with a facility AND hired help AND Amazon, the burden is still heavy.

Only you know your specific situation, OP — your mom’s medical needs, the finances available, and the obligations you have to your own work, job, family. These are not easy decisions and there are no perfect solutions. Good luck and hugs from someone else who is in it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Leave her there. Given the dementia, she will not get used to another facility in the same way. They can care for her; you won’t have to make the trip often (if you don’t want to). Talk to an expert but I think you’ll see a rapid decline if you move her from a place and people that are known.

This.

If she can "level up" where she is, with a place she knows and some people with whom she has a connection, that's the best situation for her. What will be most important over time will be her safety - which will be determined more by the facility than by your proximity. I don't mean to be cold or harsh, but in 5 years (or whenever) it will matter more to her that she is physically cared for than if she sees you - as she likely won't experience or remember you the way she does now.

Needing/wanting proximity for yourself is a different matter of course - I don't mean to diminish you wanting to see your mom easily, but I'm just advocating for the most pragmatic decision making. Least disruption for your mother, combined with best safety and care, would be my drivers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Leave her there. Given the dementia, she will not get used to another facility in the same way. They can care for her; you won’t have to make the trip often (if you don’t want to). Talk to an expert but I think you’ll see a rapid decline if you move her from a place and people that are known.

This is what I saw and what I believe happens often. Moves are hard. Any major changes are hard.

I was going to say this, too. If the place she's in now offers more care as the dementia progresses, it makes sense to keep her in a familiar place that she likes. At this point, it's quality of life choices - not prolonging life choices.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A good facility, and at the appropriate care-level, does not rely on family to provide care. Plenty of elders do not have anyone and they are cared for ok.

This is absolute nonsense. Do you even have family in “a good facility?” I do and pay 20k monthly for it. I still have to handle doctor appts, emergencies, restock depleted supplies (makeup/shampoo/dental needs/ etc), bring in broken hearing aids for repair, and regular visits bc they’re family and they’re lonely (I suppose some people don’t worry about this part). The staff knows which residents have visitors and attention to care is absolutely reflective of this. Don’t kid yourself that your loved ones needs are all being met bc you pay the bill.

It sounds like you have useless siblings? I'm sorry they're making this harder (I am assuming you are not a martyr by nature)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom is in assisted living with dementia and I don't do any of the things the PP listed. They have a concierge doctor who visits the memory care floor and adjusts meds, they email me when she needs more toiletries and I buy them from Amazon and have their shipped to her. We pay someone about $300/week to visit a few times a week and be our eyes and ears and I visit a couple times a month when I can. Honestly I would probably keep her where she is assuming they can easily step up the care when it is needed. You can spend all your time taking care of a parent with dementia, but you don't have to.

We found a retired nurse who we paid to be our eyes and ears. She a lovely companion to my elderly relative and helped with errands, doctor trips, trips to church, etc. If you can find the right person it can be a huge, huge help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A good facility, and at the appropriate care-level, does not rely on family to provide care. Plenty of elders do not have anyone and they are cared for ok.

OP here again. I think my concern is that she bought in to this place, and if she were to leave I am not certain she can afford to buy in elsewhere. We are going to work on that.

It has definitely crossed my mind that this is why my sister is moving. Which is sad because she has never addressed any frustration with us. Mom moved about 2 years before her diagnosis, so this was an unknown. Sister is doing a lot for her, and we have hired someone to visit daily and give her meds, but I know more is needed. For some reason, sister takes it on herself even though we have said frequently that we need to make better use of the facility,

To resume:

1. This place has memory care and full nursing.
2. Your mother sunk her money there.
3. Your mother does not want to move.
4. Your sister moved AWAY because it was all getting too much.


Why not keep her there, OP? If you move her closer to you, you'll end up like your sister: bananas. Or do you think that you'll have more boundaries regarding running to and fro to help your mother and dealing with moods?

I think it is not realistic to have to drop everything for frequent day trips to help her given my job and family commitments.

You don't get it, do you? YOU DO NOT DROP EVERYTHING. That's the entire point. Otherwise you end up like your sister.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom is in assisted living with dementia and I don't do any of the things the PP listed. They have a concierge doctor who visits the memory care floor and adjusts meds, they email me when she needs more toiletries and I buy them from Amazon and have their shipped to her. We pay someone about $300/week to visit a few times a week and be our eyes and ears and I visit a couple times a month when I can. Honestly I would probably keep her where she is assuming they can easily step up the care when it is needed. You can spend all your time taking care of a parent with dementia, but you don't have to.

This comment is judgmental and misguided, as every situation is different. It’s also why so many caregivers feel unseen and unsupported in this crushing role.

PP - You’re very lucky to have (what sounds like) an otherwise healthy parent, except for the dementia. I’m the poster you responded to and my parent with dementia has 8 specialists to manage all of her medical issues. The in-house doctor is a PCP who won’t touch these chronic health conditions. Her 18 medications, which are administered by the facility, frequently require adjustments and follow-up w/ these specialists. We pay an additional 1-3k monthly for hired comfort care visits and doctor appointment coverage when I have scheduling conflicts. We are very fortunate to have some money, but there simply aren’t unlimited funds to throw at all of this. For some of us, even with a facility AND hired help AND Amazon, the burden is still heavy.

Only you know your specific situation, OP — your mom’s medical needs, the finances available, and the obligations you have to your own work, job, family. These are not easy decisions and there are no perfect solutions. Good luck and hugs from someone else who is in it.

Im the PP. I am sorry if I sounded judgmental. I would say though that it also depends how actively you want to manage your parents other health conditions. We have chosen to not manage most things because my mom would not have wanted her life with dementia prolonged. So no medicines for high cholesterol or things like that. When she broke a bone we did not do the recommended follow up x-rays, etc.