Should we move Mom?

[Anonymous]

She lives within minutes of my sister. Sister told my other sibling and I recently that she is moving about 800 miles away in the spring.

My sibling and I each live about 90 min away, in opposite directions, from mom. Mom chose to live in the current location to be near my sister. My area was too expensive and my other sibling lived in an undesirable location at the time the decision was made.

She has early Alzheimer’s and is currently in independent living since she moved in about 4 years ago. She has made friends there.

I am going to ask what she wants but I can’t imagine she will want to move. Is it even feasible to manage her care from this distance? I have two teens and a DH who travels frequently. And 90 min is on a good day with no Beltway traffic. It’s often closer to two hours. My other sibling is in a similar situation. We are already outsourcing medication management, but I think we need to step up care anyway.

[Anonymous]

If you are already outsourcing her medication and your sister moving away has you concerned that your mom can’t manage living independently without significant assistance…maybe it’s time to move her to assisted living close to one of you.

[Anonymous]

Yes move her. Of course she will say she doesn't want to move. They all say that. There is a decent change your sister is motivated to move because nobody understands or appreciates just how much she has needed to devote to this over many years and it gets far worse even when they don't live in your home and have caregivers.

Her friends will likely dump her as the disease progresses unless she declines in an ideal way-becomes more childlike and sweet.I have seen it happen many times-even with the ones who become more compliant and sweet. They only have so many years left and they don't want to reminded of how poorly they could age. People want to be around those with the same level of ability. Heck even disabled elderly don't like being around other disabled elderly-even those at the same level.

It is a lot easier to visit your mom in a facility that is the proper level for her and just bring joy and be patient and live in the moment, than it is to visit her when there is a crisis, things are falling apart and you quickly need to implement more care or move her in a rush.

[Anonymous]

Can the afford this place when she needs more care?

[Anonymous]

How many levels of care does the current place have?

There’s a lot to be said for staying, or at least waiting until a natural break point (ie her needs are more than the facility can accommodate).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How many levels of care does the current place have?

There’s a lot to be said for staying, or at least waiting until a natural break point (ie her needs are more than the facility can accommodate).

Not knowing much about your situation, I would be inclined to leave her where she is until there is a need for the higher level of care. I would be ready with the higher level place near whoever is pretty much guaranteed to not move. For now, you and other 90 minute away sibling can trade off weeks to travel to help.

However, if your sister who is moving away (I agree with the PP who said she might be doing this intentionally) was regularly helping out, then moving your mom asap probably makes more sense.

[Anonymous]

What you should be discussing is moving your mother to the living situation that best fits the future stages of her dementia, one where she may live out the rest of her life. This situation should be closer to you, ideally.

Whether you manage to time this with your sister's move is immaterial. The important thing is getting your mother to the appropriate next stage.

[Anonymous]

A good facility, and at the appropriate care-level, does not rely on family to provide care. Plenty of elders do not have anyone and they are cared for ok.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How many levels of care does the current place have?

There’s a lot to be said for staying, or at least waiting until a natural break point (ie her needs are more than the facility can accommodate).

OP here. They have memory care and full nursing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A good facility, and at the appropriate care-level, does not rely on family to provide care. Plenty of elders do not have anyone and they are cared for ok.

OP here again. I think my concern is that she bought in to this place, and if she were to leave I am not certain she can afford to buy in elsewhere. We are going to work on that.

It has definitely crossed my mind that this is why my sister is moving. Which is sad because she has never addressed any frustration with us. Mom moved about 2 years before her diagnosis, so this was an unknown. Sister is doing a lot for her, and we have hired someone to visit daily and give her meds, but I know more is needed. For some reason, sister takes it on herself even though we have said frequently that we need to make better use of the facility,

[Anonymous]

I think you need to move Mom. Move her right after the new year, so she can celebrate the holidays with her current friends, and then her memory will still be good enough to make new friends in the new place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you need to move Mom. Move her right after the new year, so she can celebrate the holidays with her current friends, and then her memory will still be good enough to make new friends in the new place.

Good idea. This also gives everyone in time to help you get mother adjust while your sister is still in the area. You should move your mother closer to you or your other sibling in a facility that can care for her longterm.

[Anonymous]

Leave her there. Given the dementia, she will not get used to another facility in the same way. They can care for her; you won’t have to make the trip often (if you don’t want to). Talk to an expert but I think you’ll see a rapid decline if you move her from a place and people that are known.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A good facility, and at the appropriate care-level, does not rely on family to provide care. Plenty of elders do not have anyone and they are cared for ok.

OP here again. I think my concern is that she bought in to this place, and if she were to leave I am not certain she can afford to buy in elsewhere. We are going to work on that.

It has definitely crossed my mind that this is why my sister is moving. Which is sad because she has never addressed any frustration with us. Mom moved about 2 years before her diagnosis, so this was an unknown. Sister is doing a lot for her, and we have hired someone to visit daily and give her meds, but I know more is needed. For some reason, sister takes it on herself even though we have said frequently that we need to make better use of the facility,

This is huge. You really need to understand the implications of breaking her contract. When we found a place for my mom, we actually chose one that didn't have a buy in, so she would have flexibility if she hated it (she is in independent living and fully functioning).

You don't want a move to financially ruin your mom just so you can be a little closer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Leave her there. Given the dementia, she will not get used to another facility in the same way. They can care for her; you won’t have to make the trip often (if you don’t want to). Talk to an expert but I think you’ll see a rapid decline if you move her from a place and people that are known.

This is what I saw and what I believe happens often. Moves are hard. Any major changes are hard.