Need some help dealing with abusive mother.

[zumbamama]

No, you are a not a cruel person. Your efforts to maintain a distant bond with her despite all that you have been through make you seem more like a caring and loyal person. And strong!

You aren't depriving your son of a grandparent, you are protecting him and being a good mom. Don't feel the least bit guilty about that.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thank you all so much. I really appreciate the words, and those of you who have been through this really hit the nail on the head with the emotions I'm going through. It's not easy to just cut her out, because every now and then I get a glimmer of the person she could be and I think, maybe this time. As one pp mentioned, it just got so much worse when DS came along. It's like he is a possession she thinks she should be able to latch on (always "that's my grandson" -- well, it's my son and you aren't getting near him.) Yes, she is mentally ill. She has been under admitted psychiatric care, and even gamed them. Diagnosed with either bipolar, narcisstic personality disorder, and some degree of sociopathy, but she tricks them, they release her, she cheeks her meds, whatever, and she's back to her old self. She goes through varying stages of seeking help, but nothing ever progresses, she relapses, and we end up back here. I thikn part of why I let her back in is because I am sympathetic to the fact that this is a mental illness, albeit one she is unwilling to treat or admit.

One question for those of you who have been through this: I don't desire to speak with her on the phone at all. I'm thinking I will write her a very short letter saying that neither I nor my son can be near her until she really commits to getting some help and, when she does, I am willing to speak to her through a therapist. Any thoughts on this approach? Also, for those of you who have cut toxic family members our, especially parents, how do you deal with the family who nags you about seeing htem?

[Anonymous]

OP, can you pretend she is dead? In your mind? After all she put you through? You did nothing to her, don't let her flip it around. You know better. You do not have to keep replaying this sh*t.

You deserve better. Nothing that happened was your fault. You did not ask for this "mother" (more like MF).

She may GUILT you into believing there is no one like her, and there isn't (in the opposite way). She is NO mother. Mothers are there for you. She never was.

If anything, you were HER mother, taking care of her. What she did to you was beyond unfair, it was 100% wrong and always will be. She can never make it right.

You need to decide that she is NOT your responsibility. You need to decide that your new family (DH and DC) will take care of you. It's time to move on.

[Anonymous]

PP here. Write the letter, sleep on it, edit and add, then mail it to her directly. Return receipt so you know she signed for it. Keep a copy if it makes you feel better. Done deal. Closure.

Do NOT listen to her voice mails. If you feel the need to hear them, have DH listen then erase.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm so sorry for what you're going through. You can give your son a loving family without including toxic relatives like your mother - a person doesn't have to be related by blood to be a part of your family, and just because someone is related to you doesn't mean they have to be included.

[Anonymous]

OP, seriously, time is a matter of priority. For the happiness of your family and yourself; I can't believe you don't have 2 hours a week to dedicate to your happiness.
I'll babysit for you so you can go! Anytime!

[Anonymous]

Haven't read all the posts, but wanted to send my support and encouragement your way and wish you lots of strength. My MIL was verbally abusive with DH and once physically abusive with SIL and she is a dark cloud over our lives. I know exactly what you mean about pushing the right buttons and no matter how much you can tell yourself this person is ABUSIVE it still stings and even causes guilt. So here's what I say...

STAND STRONG!!! Know that you are NOT alone and you have a right to set safe boundaries which in the case means staying away. I am so sick of all the crap about how important it is to have grandparents in a child's life even if they did awful things. Pahlease..We want to teach our children to have HEALTHY relationships.Even if she is kind to your son is it teaching a good lesson for him to see her treat you poorly or for his to learn it's OK to allow someone back into your life who left that many scars??

You have my support and I don't even know you. You did not deserve a crappy mom and ir makes me so sad to hear you had to endure this and she still emotionallya buses.

[Anonymous]

Sorry about all my typos above!!

[Anonymous]

Sending you lots of sympathy, OP. I grew up in a horrifically abusive family and I know how the damage lingers. Actually, I didn't know how much it lingered until I had my own kids and the thought of someone doing to my kids what was done to me and my sibilings, well, thinking of it was tortuous. Kids don't have a choice about who they love. Kids are conditioned to love and conditioning at such an early age is very difficult to overcome. However, as an adult, you get to chose what kind of relationships you have and while we still love our parents (sick as they are), we don't have to have a relationship with them. If it makes you feel better, send a letter to your mother and only meet with her in a therapy environment. Then, she can choose to have a relationship you or not.

I also gently suggest you look at counseling for yourself. As I'm sure you know, it can be very disturbing and unsettling to deep with such deep emotions. I don't know if you have an Employee Assistance Program at your work or not but I benefited from working through emotions with a counselor. The emotions are complex, deep and incredible painful. As wonderful as my DH is, he just isn't the right person. I did bring him to a few sessions though so he better understands what happened to me. It was very painful for him but helpful to us both. Also, a PP mentioned the genetic link between some of the disorders you mentioned. We're very aware of that and I'm very troubled by it. Working with a counselor was also good because I learne dthat while there is a genetic component, parental awareness and education can go a long way in getting early intervention, if necessary. It helps calm me thinking that if my kids get the f@cked up gene of my father (and my brothers), they're not doomed to the life my father and brothers had. Good luck, OP. Stay strong.

[Anonymous]

OP, so sorry you're having to deal with this (and always have). First, echoing others--do NOT fall for it, don't get caught in the trap. It sounds like your mother is really mentally ill...but you can't save her. You can only save yourself and your child. I had a similar upbringing and in my late 20s before my DC was born, I cut off contact. It was very hard but thank god I did. My life is so much better without her in it, frankly. I'm lucky because DH is as understanding as can be without having ever lived through anything like it. Now that I have DC I'm even more sure that my decision was correct.

I strongly recommend that you get some counseling. If your employer has an EAP, do take advantage. What you grew up with is still with it and will affect you in ways that surprise you. You're nothing like your mother was as a parent but at the same time, the way you grew up can influence what you do and you should deal with these things for your child's sake, too. Best of luck, OP. Hugs.

[Anonymous]

OP, your story makes me so sad. You sound amazingly strong for having survived such a horror of a childhood. I want to encourage you to see a therapist. No matter how busy you are, you must make this a priority. Let me tell you why I think so.

During a recent visit, my mom revealed a horrible childhood experience. I'm sure she never intended to reveal it, but somehow it just came out during a conversation about some things in the news. She's never told anyone, not even my dad, and asked me not to tell anyone. (And I haven't, not even my husband, but since this is an anonymous forum and the story may be helpful to you. . . ) She's almost 70 years old, and the thought that she carried this alone all this time makes me almost as sad as the event itself.

While I was shocked by what she told me, it also explained a lot-- about her, about her beliefs and priorities, and about our relationship. It deeply impacted her sense of self-worth. She was always up front about the fact that she had many insecurities and explained how it stemmed from growing up so very poor. In our recent conversation, though, she said that it's really this experience-- and her vulnerability to it because of their poverty-- that has hurt her self-esteem all her life.

My mom was always a very loving and devoted mother. Her insecurities, though, often caused her to project a lot onto me. She always worried so much about what others thought of her and she put a lot of pressure on me and my siblings to make her look good while at the same time constantly voicing her concerns that we would fail. She could be very, unfairly, critical I think it created a lot of insecurities in us as a result. It was not at all to an abusive extreme, but it has at times caused a lot of tension and pain in our relationship.

My mother's generation, of course, was not one to talk about things and certainly not to seek therapy. Despite her childhood, my mom is a strong, kind, and intellectually curious woman who is loving and loyal to her friends and family. I've always been proud of her. But I so wish she had had the opportunity to work through her past and find compassion for the hurt and vulnerable little girl she was. She would have lived a more joyful life and avoided some of the pain in her relationships.

I tell you this as a cautionary tale for your own experience and the relationships you have-- especially with your children. The only interpretation of events my mother had was the one she created and recreated in her own head for six decades. She was exceedingly hard on herself. She still feels like she did something wrong, that it was somehow her fault. I cry thinking how, for all these years, she never heard anyone tell her otherwise.

I hear you say how your mother is still able to provoke such hurt, despite your rational brain knowing she's wrong. I think a good therapist could really help you work through your past and make a deeper peace with it, help you identify ways it may be impacting your current relationships that you don't recognize, and also find the healthiest way to deal with your mother going forward-- whether that's cutting her off completely or something else.

Best wishes to you and your family, OP. You've survived an awful childhood. I hope you get a chance to really thrive as an adult.

[Anonymous]

OP, I know you feel guilty about cutting off contact but you really need to. Your mother will never change. Don't keep going to the well because it's dry. Change your number and get a restraining order. If you feel that you want to make one last peace offering with a short letter, then go ahead. But she will never change. I would also suggest that you get therapy for yourself to work through this. You need to think of yourself and your immediate family first. Don't give into the guilt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have your phone company set up a block on her messages, and steer clear. You owe your son a clean fresh slate, and your mom is not that...better NO grandmother than a vicious one...

Agree. OP, it sounds like you're doing the right thing for you and your family. I'm so sorry you had those experiences while growing up. All children deserve better. You're a good mom and wife for shielding your real family.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I cannot put into words how much these messages have meant to me. Over the past 2 days, they have brought me incredible strength when I really needed it. Thank you so much.

So that you all know how much I have been listening, I am starting to think that therapy may do me well. I just don't know where to start - how does one go about finding a therapist? If you've been through something similar, and can recommend someone familiar with treating people like myself, I would appreciate the tip. (My employer is small and doesnt have an EAP.)

Thank you again so very very much. Sometimes you just need to hear the words from an objective third party, even if you know them to be true, for them to really click.

[Anonymous]

Carol Heilis married to my therapist and she has offices in Bethesda and Silver spring. I am recommending her because she he referred a friend of mine to her who was suffering sever trauma (of a different nature) in her life.

http://www.carolheil.com/practice.php