Need some help dealing with abusive mother.

[Anonymous]

My mother was physically and emotionally abusive growing up. She would strangle me until I was unconscious, has put my head through window, once put my head through a wooden door. This was as a young child through early teen years, when I ran away from home. We lived in filth, and she beat me if I cleaned. She was also very emotionally abusive. She called my brother and I horrible names growing up, regularly told us that we ruined her life, and would often tell us she was leaving to kill herself, leaving us crying hysterically. She was (is) an alcoholic and a prescription pain pill addict. (When I was younger, it was pot. I used to hide her drugs because I hated that she did them, and she would beat me for that too.) People saw this. Social services came. The police came. Nothing ever happened. Oh, and no dad in the picture. Even through all of this, I still love her. I have made excuses for her (oh, she's had a hard life, I know she loves me, you name it). I have tried to include her in my life. I don't know why, I guess because I just want a parent.

I'm not 33 yo. She has limited involvement in my life. When she starts into the verbal abuse (it comes in waves, and usually appears in the form of a rash of phone calls and emails telling me how horrible I am, what a horrible child I was, how I ruined her life), I ignore her. In the past, I've tried to rationalize with her. A month ago, after a tirade on my home answering machine, I decided I had enough, and I was not going to talk with her. I decided I was done trying to make her something she's not. BUT. Tomorrow is my son's 2nd birthday. The voicemails have already started. I am a horrible person, a terrible mother, she won't get to see her grandson, what did she ever do to me, how can I be so cruel? And though in my head I know this is absurd, it hurts me so. My head knows to keep her away fro mmy son because I never want him to see this. But she knows how to get to me, and now I wonder if I am a cruel person for doing this? What if she dies tomorrow? (her point.) How could I live with myself? My husband tells me to just delete the messages. He's right, but yet, I still listen to it. I am clearly a manipulated product of abuse. I hate myself for it.

I guess I just need a pep talk. No, under no circumstances will she be near my son or even talk to him. But I feel so bad for that. Am I depriving him of a grandparent? (And yes, I know therapy would do me well. Unfortunately, there just aren't enough hours in the day. Just a pep talk would do me wonders now. Advice? Tips? Anything?) Thanks.

[Anonymous]

If your not going to do it for yourself then do it for your son and husband. Cut this excuse for a mother from your life!

[Anonymous]

OP, I feel you. My parents were extremely emotionally abusive. Somewhat physically but mostly it was head games beyond all belief. It intrinsically changes who you are for life. I don't think things ever become normal with those parents. You can become healthy yourself, but it's a hell of a lot of work. At least it was for me. I made peace with my parents for years, actually. Learned how to set boundaries and stick to them. Things worked pretty well -- until I had a child. And then it was like the earth tilted on its axis and they were horrific all over again. I severely restrict my child's exposure to my parents. Likewise, even though we never discussed it until recently, both of my siblings do the same with their kids.

When you think you are cruel for protecting your kids (because that's what you are doing), or hate yourself for whatever reason. That's not you talking. That's her. I wish I could say you could be 100% free. Maybe "you" can. I can't. Part of my coping is to stay far away, and to make sure I surround myself with healthy, loving, emotionally available people. Give your children the gift of normalcy. Keep your mother away from them. She's probably severely mentally ill underneath the substance abuse. It will take her years, if ever, to get well. And that's if she actually fully commits. It's sad, but you have to do it. This isn't just about you anymore. It's about your family. The family you chose and the family who depends on you.

Best wishes, OP. Hang in there and stay strong.

[Anonymous]

This is a toxic human being and you are in NO WAY responsible for her or responsible for making things right for her!! What she has done to you is horrific and she has no rights to a relationship with you or your child. I have a relationship with my father that is similar but his thing is emotional blackmail. It's taken me 38 years to realize that I cannot make his life better no matter what I do. And each time I let him back in because I feel so guilty and so pained by it his tentacles come out and he just drags me right down with him. He seeks to destroy whatever he comes in contact with. This woman made her bed. She has no right to hurt your son now too. And she will try and hurt him in some way. It might not be physical but it might be bad mouthing you and telling your son that you destroyed her life. It's time to take your life back from her. You deserve happiness and a relationship with her gaurantees nothing but misery.

[Anonymous]

Do you want that for your son? Then cut her out.
And I'd suggest finding time for therapy--that kind of start can't be easy...

[Anonymous]

It really is a no-brainer. I was abused by my parents, but they got therapy and stopped doing it. I will never completely forgive them, and if I didn't have kids, I may not be in contact with them. But I do, and there is no doubt in my mind that they are recovered more than well enough to be good grandparents. So I let them in our lives not for them -- I'm not sure they deserve it -- but for my children.

If they were still abusive, there's just no way I would let them near me or my kids. It's difficult enough with them much improved. You have nothing to gain and everything to lose by continuing to have contact with her. Change your phone number and keep it unlisted. Set up a new email addy or block her messages to your current account. Cell phone too. Clean breaks are best. The no contact rule tends to work. Otherwise you'll just get stuck in a cyclical drama.

[Anonymous]

Have your phone company set up a block on her messages, and steer clear. You owe your son a clean fresh slate, and your mom is not that...better NO grandmother than a vicious one...

[Anonymous]

Finding a way to block the messages sounds best. Block her email address and turn off your answering machine/voice mail. Give a new cell to people who may need to leave you messages. If she calls your cell, pick it up and hang it up- she can't leave a message that way. Tell her you can't take her crazy abuse and rantings and then cut communication for at least a few months. If she starts up again, change and unlist your numbers.

Reason probably won't get you very far and actions indeed speak louder than words. You don't deserve this treatment or owe her anything. She's being manipulative.

[Anonymous]

OP, I agree that you should not be in contact with your mother. That said, she sounds mentally ill. I think it's more likely that the substance abuse was an attempt at self medicating. I think it may be useful to explore that possibility with a therapist who is specifically trained to work with adults who had parents who were mentally ill. It has a genetic component, so it is worth identifying it (if only for your son's medical history) and exploring the impact it had and continues to have on you. I think at that point you may feel less conflicted about protecting yourself and your family, sadly, those are not skills that you learned at home. I come from a similarly crazy background and thought that the problem was drinking, but the drinking was a way to try to self manage BP and borderline respectively. Even when not drinking they were crazy. So I get it. I wish you peace. Let your son be the focus on his birthday.

[Anonymous]

you are getting some good advice here op. stick to your guns. don't let her manipulate you. you are vulnerable because you were never parented properly. lean on your husband if you have to, but cut her off.

[Anonymous]

You may find some help in a book called stop walking on eggshells. I am not normally the self-help type, but it made a difference for me and assuaged my guilt for limiting my mother's contact with us.

[Anonymous]

I am sorry you are going through this....
You deserve better.
I can tell you are so torn.
Hang in there, Keep your chin up.

[Anonymous]

OP, ask yourself this question. If someone other than your mother treated you this way, would you risk their behavior in front of your son? Or this one, what if she verbally or physically abused your son? Just because she is a family member doesn't mean she gets to rain her shit down upon your son. And their is no reasoning with someone like this. She will never agree with you. She doesn't have to and it doesn't matter because you are the mom and you decide who has access to your child. And you need make no apologies for exercising that power.

There is a service provided by the phone company called call intercept or callscreening. Basically when any call comes in, the caller is asked to record their name, then your phone rings, you pick it up and hear the recorded name, then you hit 1 to send it to vm or 2 to let the call come through. Don't listen to her messages. Just hit delete when you hear her voice.

[Anonymous]

Get a restraining order against her. You have zero obligation to have any sort of relationship with a person like this. She was no mother to you, except an egg donor.

[Anonymous]

Your mom sounds mentally ill. That must make it hard to hold the line with her but you simply must. You don't need to let her back in your life ever, even if she gets help and therapy. But at a minimum, that should be the requirement for even the most limited contact. In the meantime, I highly suggest that you ask her to stop calling you and then change your number. You may find that it is easier to stick to your guns if you aren't being called and guilted all of the time. It seems to me that your mother needs to lash out to satisfy some urge in herself. It clearly has nothing to do with you, you are just an easy or convenient target. She knows she can get a reaction out of you. Even though you say you will never let her near your son, if you don't distance yourself from this kind of manipulation, she will get to him through you. Don't let him hurt your son's mother like that. Keep your chin up and stay strong. This is not your doing, fault, or guilt to bear.