I'm sad/anxious about things & DH doesn't care

[Anonymous]

I'm the sounding board for my mom's anxiety and I hate it. Its draining and stressful and sometimes I have to fake an excuse to go because I feel like I'm going to snap hearing about the same things over and over again. So I get where your husband is coming from.

[Anonymous]

I get it- I can't share anything I'm upset/worried/sad about with DH because he says I'm complaining or a pessimist. So I've learned to share happy news only. I keep the rest in or talk with friends over a drink!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's not a regular thing because he's never let me do it. Literally. He doesn't want to hear it.

I don't have any friends.

Yeah, a therapist would be useful for a couple of reasons here.

Because I don't have friends? I'd love for you tell me when I'm supposed to meet people.

Where are you in your stage of life? In the past I've made friends in

--taking classes like an exercise or painting class
--synagogue
--kids schools
--work
--volunteer events

Friendships take time to build. You need to show up repeatedly as does the other person. Over time you get to know each other. You need friends because your husband can't be all that you have. He can't be the only person in your life that you can talk to.

[Anonymous]

Marriage is lonely. Accept it or get divorced.

Anyone who tells you otherwise is an exception to that reality and lucky. It’s nearly impossible to tease out what your needs will be over the course of a lifetime and even harder to pick a partner that will anticipate and grow with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He tells me to see a therapist, but really, I just need him to listen for a bit so I can get a few things off my chest. He never has. Is something a spouse should do?

I (the wife) can't handle much venting. It's OK if we are brainstorming a solution or problem solving. If nothing changes (the situation, the worry, etc.) then I won't keep listening to the same thing.

[Anonymous]

Another spouse here, who doesn't want to hear about one more time about Trump, how the country is going to dumps, Russia and on and on after you've watched hours of YouTube videos and read news stories on Yahoo.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He should listen if you want him to (within reason) because that's the nice thing to do.

However, if he's anything like me, he simply won't understand the use of the interaction on an emotional level. I have never found any benefit to telling someone about my problems unless they could (or I thought they might) help me toward a solution.

Talking about the things that make me sad or anxious just compounds the sadness or anxiety.

I am the same way, though I never thought about it like this. Good insight.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think a therapist will be life altering for you.


(And no, I don't think a husband should do this, especially since he probably rightly suspects that him listening is not going to help that much.)

You need a therapist who can shine a mirror on you and help you change.

Why do I need to change? Because I'm sad about losing a promotion? (Most recently)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Another spouse here, who doesn't want to hear about one more time about Trump, how the country is going to dumps, Russia and on and on after you've watched hours of YouTube videos and read news stories on Yahoo.

I don't watch the news or talk politics.

[Anonymous]

But if it is just venting, sometimes the person just wants a hug and someone to say "it will all be OK, I'm here to support you". Is that so hard?

[Anonymous]

What are you sad/anxious about? Will your spouse listen/sympathize for one conversation and then sees no point to the same discussion over and over?

[Anonymous]

My DH can’t listen either. He’s very self absorbed and takes any happiness or anxiety on my part personally as a criticism of him and then he gets all anxious and enraged and becomes very unpleasant. It is lonely to have to outsource the emotional part of my life and marriage but it turns out that all he can handle is being the breadwinner and positive feedback on his mostly unilateral choices. And yea I work FT bringing in 30% of the HHI but I’m not allowed to have any stress around that or limitations in my attention or availability towards him. Because double standards.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He tells me to see a therapist, but really, I just need him to listen for a bit so I can get a few things off my chest. He never has. Is something a spouse should do?

Occasionally but not on the regular.

Didn’t you post the same whine a few weeks ago? If so, you probably exhaust him.

[Anonymous]

OP It's completely draining being someone's venting punching bag. Get a therapist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He tells me to see a therapist, but really, I just need him to listen for a bit so I can get a few things off my chest. He never has. Is something a spouse should do?

His nonchalance, stonewalling, and gaslighting would escalate anyone into anxiety.

He’s checked out and dumping everything on you.

That’s not healthy for anyone plus subconsciously your body knows it’s wrong and disrespectful of him.

You both need therapy together and apart. If he doesn’t grow up and step up, you need a good plan. A therapist (and a lawyer) can help you with that and to get stronger.