What are the cons to not finding out the gender?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think people who don't find out are often expecting a special moment where the doctor says, "It's a _______.". But both of my babies' births were unexpectedly traumatic with dozens of people in the room, yelling, and a blue, limp non-breathing baby who is hustled to the NICU. I was also at risk with heavy bleeding, so far from completely lucid.

We had the doctor write down the gender after NIPT and put it in an envelope. We opened it over dinner and got to celebrate together. Then we sent blue or pink flowers to the grandparents and great grandparents, who called us so so happily when they received the news.

We didn't get a ton of overly gendered presents. We were having a girl, so one aunt made a few sweet baby dresses by hand. Another great aunt made a sweet baby quilt with pink, blue and yellow flowers.

I really hate all of the guessing conversations that seem to come when someone doesn't find out the gender. It always seems to be the only thing anyone wants to talk about, when it's the least of the life change that is happening.

My birth was unexpectedly traumatic and we still got the special moment when DH told me "It's a girl." He told me later it was the best moment of his life, which I was a little surprised by (he wanted to find out earlier, although he didn't feel strongly about it). I'm truly sorry your births went terribly and what you're describing sounds terrifying, but I don't really understand what that has to do with finding out the sex before or at birth.

[Anonymous]

I’m the other PP who referenced a difficult birth. In the moment the focus was getting my baby to breathe. Maybe it would have been equally joyful to hear the announcement but we were focused on the baby’s well being.

[Anonymous]

There are diseases - many actually - that are linked to sex. What if something is wrong on a scan - you really want to blind yourself to looking at the scan and deeply understanding the problem to avoid knowing the gender?

I mean, maybe you’d forego this ignorance if the drs tell you that there is a reason you need to know bc it relates to an issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m the other PP who referenced a difficult birth. In the moment the focus was getting my baby to breathe. Maybe it would have been equally joyful to hear the announcement but we were focused on the baby’s well being.

I guess this means finding out the sex early carries the con of coming back at the same time as the NIPT results, which may contain bad or ambiguous news.

[Anonymous]

1. The hassle of avoiding finding out during ultrasounds and genetic test results.
2. The hassle of having to explain every time someone asks why you don't know the gender.
3. If you're at risk for any sort of gender disappointment, it's probably better to come to terms with it before the baby is born.

[Anonymous]

I preferred knowing. I tried both ways. I felt more bonded and connected to my babies knowing ahead of time. It helped with name choice. And frankly it made decor and clothes easier. I realize this is gendered of me, but it is what it is.

[Anonymous]

The only cons are
1) not being able to pre-buy clothes / sheets / decorations / etc, IF both a) you would be inclined to buy at least some gender-leaning ones and b) that’s something you care about,
2) makes name discussions easier, and
3) IF either you or your spouse might have any gender disappointment, it’s definitely better to deal with that beforehand and have time to get used to the idea.

Otherwise, no real cons

[Anonymous]

We had a lot of trouble naming our kids. The con would have been having to pick two names.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents did not know what I was and I know many people back in the 80s who did not find out.

What would you say are the cons in 2024?

We are high risk fwiw so I know that with the extra scans and testing I will need to emphasize we do not want to know based upon my last pregnancy it came up often. We did find out with him.

Anyone willing to consider what cons I should be prepared for?


I can think of not having clothing prepared and ready as one but for other cons, I struggle to capture what I am not considering.

No cons. You will find out when the baby is born! Btw, we didn't find out and if was fine ( 1998 and 2001)

[Anonymous]

I think most people (of course not YOU, but lesser, dumber women) have a secret gender preference. Or a "sense" that they know and have already connected with the baby based on said gender. They would never admit this, but I think it's true. I've seen enough crestfallen moms on gender reveal memes to confirm.

The con is that your first moments together with your baby are ones tinged with disappointment

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think most people (of course not YOU, but lesser, dumber women) have a secret gender preference. Or a "sense" that they know and have already connected with the baby based on said gender. They would never admit this, but I think it's true. I've seen enough crestfallen moms on gender reveal memes to confirm.

The con is that your first moments together with your baby are ones tinged with disappointment

The thing about gender reveals - especially those recorded for social media - is that only people who really care about gender are doing them. So the dads that storm off and punch something when it's a girl or the moms that start crying when it's a boy have already self-selected for unhinged-ness.

But for slight preference, or sense of knowing - I think that's most parents. I had a slight preference in one direction and a "knowing" in the other direction when I was pregnant, and when I got my baby all I had was joy even though it should seem like I would be disappointed by one or the other being dashed. DH said he hoped it was a boy for the first trimester, and then over the course of having almost all the other guys in our circle say "you must really want a boy, though" when they found out we didn't know, he started to really push back against that point of view. He was envisioning having a son and a daughter through the whole pregnancy (just like I was), and he started to feel offended on his hypothetical potential daughter's behalf, if that makes sense. It was interesting to watch, because they weren't saying anything he didn't say when we first got the positive pregnancy test. It might be a strange, isolated reaction, but I felt better about him as a dad to a boy or a girl because he stopped being so "Team Boy" about the pregnancy during the time we didn't know.

And I felt like it made the name picking easier, because we each had a strong preference for the first name for one gender but not the other. It didn't feel like "my name" vs. "his name" winning out, it felt like it would be fate to see which kid we had. (It helped that we each liked the other's choice as a name even if it wasn't our idea.)

[Anonymous]

No cons. Some care about setting up a nursery in blue or pink. But I didn’t care. Mine was safari so it was neutral.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are diseases - many actually - that are linked to sex. What if something is wrong on a scan - you really want to blind yourself to looking at the scan and deeply understanding the problem to avoid knowing the gender?

I mean, maybe you’d forego this ignorance if the drs tell you that there is a reason you need to know bc it relates to an issue.

I'm a previous poster who didn't find out either time. We still did all the scans. And we looked too, but when they were focusing in on that area, we looked away. We don't need to look! The tech is carefully evaluating everything as they ordinarily would. If there were any issues, of course, we would have foregone the ignorance to discuss thoroughly with the doctor and that would have been the end of not knowing. But that's pretty unusual.

[Anonymous]

If you’d be disappointed if the gender is not what you were hoping for then might be good to know in advance. That way you can shake off the disappointment and get excited for their birthday!

[Anonymous]

There is such limited information about your kid that comes out of pregnancy that I just had to know. Also, I wanted to shop for cute outfits. It helped me feel bonded.

I think if there is ANY gender preference at all I'd find out. Much better to deal with those feelings while still pregnant than post partum.

But really, it doesn't matter.