Friend mad that we aren't all accommodating her new healthy lifestyle

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What are her ideas for the vacation? Has she come up with options that work for her and presented them to the group?

I think this is an interesting question! You know your friend best, but I'm wondering if putting it to her that way would realize that all she can think about is what CAN'T be done, and that's is not really reasonable to plan a relaxing vacation with nothing but the absence of things.

I also think the other PPs are correct that even if a person is making dramatic shifts is they way they eat, it is possible to either:
1. Find SOMETHING on the menu, or
2. Recognize that this is a special occasion, an the rules will be relaxed, and she can return to her regime the other 362 days a year.

Her hostility, rigidity, and anxiety sounds less like diet, and more in the territory of disordered eating, as another PP suggested.

[Anonymous]

OP here.

Thank you all for the thoughts. I really like PP's wording. As for am I proud of her? I definitely was initially because I know she's been struggling with self esteem issues caused by her weight. But she's bordering on orthorexia at this point. It started off being a very whole diet, no sugars, no simple carbs, no alcohol, etc. Which was much easier to accommodate. Now she's venturing into more of a body builder's diet during prep time. So it isn't necessarily an unhealthy diet, but it has become so restrictive that its bordering on disordered (which I tried to bring up as I dealt with an eating disorder for over a decade and that did not go well).

As for what she would like the vacation to look like, we've asked her. Basically it involves no going out to restaurants and making meals at home. Which, none of us want. We cook enough in our normal lives that part of what we enjoy on this getaway is NOT having to cook. And in order to do this, we'd have to get some place that had a kitchen where we could cook. But she also needs to have a gym to work out (actually most of us enjoy using the hotel gym on this trip). It would also limit us more on where we can go if we need to find an air BNB that is on the beach in the setting we want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

Thank you all for the thoughts. I really like PP's wording. As for am I proud of her? I definitely was initially because I know she's been struggling with self esteem issues caused by her weight. But she's bordering on orthorexia at this point. It started off being a very whole diet, no sugars, no simple carbs, no alcohol, etc. Which was much easier to accommodate. Now she's venturing into more of a body builder's diet during prep time. So it isn't necessarily an unhealthy diet, but it has become so restrictive that its bordering on disordered (which I tried to bring up as I dealt with an eating disorder for over a decade and that did not go well).

As for what she would like the vacation to look like, we've asked her. Basically it involves no going out to restaurants and making meals at home. Which, none of us want. We cook enough in our normal lives that part of what we enjoy on this getaway is NOT having to cook. And in order to do this, we'd have to get some place that had a kitchen where we could cook. But she also needs to have a gym to work out (actually most of us enjoy using the hotel gym on this trip). It would also limit us more on where we can go if we need to find an air BNB that is on the beach in the setting we want.

Oh fück no. Cooking at home? Drop her like a hot potato. Life is too short for that madness.

[Anonymous]

The reality you need to come to terms with is that this friendship is probably going to blow up no matter what. You either have a person who is extremely selfish or has fallen prey to an eating disorder. Both are ultimately not very helpful to maintaining friendships. Knowing this, I would just tell her not to come on the trip unless she is willing to not talk about what anyone else eats or drinks. And you are not changing the location. It is ridiculous to let her ruin your vacation.

[Anonymous]

If you really want her on this trip then suggest that she book accommodation for herself that will satisfy her requirements. Then she can hang out with the group when she’s not busy in her kitchen or gym.

[Anonymous]

It doesn’t sound like she has actually adopted a healthy lifestyle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you actually proud of what she has done? Because she sounds more like someone with an eating disorder.

Exactly what I thought.

An acquaintance of mine was very overweight, and decided to change her eating after her mother died. She came with a bunch of us on a long weekend trip, and brought all her food with her inziploc baggies -- vegan sausages and some kind of bars. She spent the entire trip talking about how all of us were "carb addicts," which was a buzz kill, and she never ate out with us.

Fast forward three months and she was hospitalized with anorexia. Apparently ALL she was eating was these sausages and bars. Turns out she was determined to eat no more than 300 calories a day. She almost died of organ failure.

[Anonymous]

Something else is going on because no one is this unreasonable to the point of alienating their best friends.

She could:
- come with you and get the closet thing to her diet as possible (restaurants are pretty adaptable...you can get a salad with no dressing, you can get a steak with no oil or butter or salt, you can get cauliflower pizza crust, etc...)
- come with you and not eat out (just water and maybe a snack she brought) and eat at home
- come with you and cook at home and not go out to eat. one of you might stay with her one night.
- come for the day.

But her ask is unreasonable. It seems to be more about you proving you love her than food. Right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Something else is going on because no one is this unreasonable to the point of alienating their best friends.

She could:
- come with you and get the closet thing to her diet as possible (restaurants are pretty adaptable...you can get a salad with no dressing, you can get a steak with no oil or butter or salt, you can get cauliflower pizza crust, etc...)
- come with you and not eat out (just water and maybe a snack she brought) and eat at home
- come with you and cook at home and not go out to eat. one of you might stay with her one night.
- come for the day.

But her ask is unreasonable. It seems to be more about you proving you love her than food. Right?

NP. See both bolded lines above, OP. If she's been a good friend before this, I would feel so sad and sorry for her in what seems to be almost a mania, and I would figure, as this PP rightly notes, that there is something much deeper going on with her than just a slavish adherence to inflexible eating. She may have other issues in her life or mental health that are making her desperately crave control. Often if parts of a person's life feel out of control (relationship problems, work issues, insecurities, etc.) then the person tries to wrest some power over whatever she CAN control -- and there's nothing so easy to control as what you put into your mouth.

I offer that as some possible explanation but it's not an excuse for her to impose on a group trip with the things she wants. Not at all. I just hope that, the whole trip aside, you and the other friends can muster some pity for her because she sounds like she's in a tailspin when she actually thinks she's in perfect control. I'm sure she's acting arrogant and superior, which is a real friendship-killer, but it may be coming from a place of desperation, if she was not like this previously. I hope that after the trip some of you can reach out and see why she's so fixated on all this, beyond just "I want to lose weight."

That said: You and the friends of course should NOT cave to her insistence on cooking and eating at "home" while on vacation, especially considering that you've all taken this same type of vacation before and that was never the expectation previously. Nor should the group be obliged to stay at a place with a gym, for instance, if only one of you (her) is going to use it. An earlier PP had a list of good suggestions to make to your friend re: She cooks and eats at the vacation house and the rest of you go out and shes' with you the rest of the time, or she does a day trip to join you (if distances work) etc. But I would not rework the plans to accommodate her--or rather, to enable her, because giving in would be enabling her inflexible attitude right now. I'd definitely offer a list of options and ask her what she proposes as options but "eating every meal 'in'" would not be an acceptable one. I suspect she's going to get angrier and not come at all, but offering her those options at least puts the friends on the high road.