DW is cheating…Should I cheat in kind?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi guys,

I want tips on how to live in the same house with a cheating spouse who thinks I am clueless and who I think is currently in love with the AP.

I won’t lie but this is really affecting my pride because she probably thinks I am stupid and clueless and she ia getting away with it.

The thing is for financial reasons divorcing her right now will hurt me more than her. And frankly I just don’t have the financial means to go through a contested divorce. But the divorce is coming just not right now.

So in the meantime what I can do to get back at her? I thought of responding in kind by getting an affair partner as well but this is not who I am.

We are already not sleeping in the same bed. And we are not having sex either.

I feel like divorcing her will be rewarding her because me being the sole provider she will end up with a nice alimony. We have twin boys who are 10.

If you are in Virginia hire a PI to prove the affair and sue her for an at-fault divorce. She won’t get alimony and you might get more than half the assets.

+1 Absolutely this. Also, get to the best lawyer asap to better understand what you are looking at from a financial perspective. Don’t just consider existing assets, think about your future earnings that you won’t want her to have access too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi guys,

I want tips on how to live in the same house with a cheating spouse who thinks I am clueless and who I think is currently in love with the AP.

I won’t lie but this is really affecting my pride because she probably thinks I am stupid and clueless and she ia getting away with it.

The thing is for financial reasons divorcing her right now will hurt me more than her. And frankly I just don’t have the financial means to go through a contested divorce. But the divorce is coming just not right now.

So in the meantime what I can do to get back at her? I thought of responding in kind by getting an affair partner as well but this is not who I am.

We are already not sleeping in the same bed. And we are not having sex either.

I feel like divorcing her will be rewarding her because me being the sole provider she will end up with a nice alimony. We have twin boys who are 10.

I don’t want to be glib, but if you are not sleeping in the same room or having sex, why exactly do you care who she is having sex with? How long has your marriage been sexless? Not even sleeping in the same room suggests there’s a void in intimacy. There is more going on in your marriage than just an affair, that is for sure.

So by your logic her cheating is justified. She is just a coward. She can ask for a divorce if she is hot happy, but of course that would deprive her of the stability she wants to keep.

It’s never justified but sometimes it is important to recognize the potential reasons behind someone behaving in this manner. Presumably OP’s wife is not some monster, she is a human who is doing something very wrong and unethical, and I find OP’s post to be overly calculating and cold. At some point OP saw something good or appealing about his wife. OP does not seem interested in therapy or taking the best route for his children, but in his pride and finances. That may just be the anger talking and I understand that, but there may be much larger issues here that led to the state of the marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi guys,

I want tips on how to live in the same house with a cheating spouse who thinks I am clueless and who I think is currently in love with the AP.

I won’t lie but this is really affecting my pride because she probably thinks I am stupid and clueless and she ia getting away with it.

The thing is for financial reasons divorcing her right now will hurt me more than her. And frankly I just don’t have the financial means to go through a contested divorce. But the divorce is coming just not right now.

So in the meantime what I can do to get back at her? I thought of responding in kind by getting an affair partner as well but this is not who I am.

We are already not sleeping in the same bed. And we are not having sex either.

I feel like divorcing her will be rewarding her because me being the sole provider she will end up with a nice alimony. We have twin boys who are 10.

If you are in Virginia hire a PI to prove the affair and sue her for an at-fault divorce. She won’t get alimony and you might get more than half the assets.

This. VA penalizes adultery. Talk to a lawyer and figure out how to keep your side clean.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi guys,

I want tips on how to live in the same house with a cheating spouse who thinks I am clueless and who I think is currently in love with the AP.

I won’t lie but this is really affecting my pride because she probably thinks I am stupid and clueless and she ia getting away with it.

The thing is for financial reasons divorcing her right now will hurt me more than her. And frankly I just don’t have the financial means to go through a contested divorce. But the divorce is coming just not right now.

So in the meantime what I can do to get back at her? I thought of responding in kind by getting an affair partner as well but this is not who I am.

We are already not sleeping in the same bed. And we are not having sex either.

I feel like divorcing her will be rewarding her because me being the sole provider she will end up with a nice alimony. We have twin boys who are 10.

If you are in Virginia hire a PI to prove the affair and sue her for an at-fault divorce. She won’t get alimony and you might get more than half the assets.

This. VA penalizes adultery. Talk to a lawyer and figure out how to keep your side clean.

It only penalizes the person who might receive alimony if caught with irrefutable evidence. It does not matter if somebody is cheating if that person would be the person who’s paying alimony in the situation. If the higher earning spouse is cheating, it doesn’t matter. It only matters if the cheaters the person who would potentially receive alimony, because then they would not receive it if it was caught.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi guys,

I want tips on how to live in the same house with a cheating spouse who thinks I am clueless and who I think is currently in love with the AP.

I won’t lie but this is really affecting my pride because she probably thinks I am stupid and clueless and she ia getting away with it.

The thing is for financial reasons divorcing her right now will hurt me more than her. And frankly I just don’t have the financial means to go through a contested divorce. But the divorce is coming just not right now.

So in the meantime what I can do to get back at her? I thought of responding in kind by getting an affair partner as well but this is not who I am.

We are already not sleeping in the same bed. And we are not having sex either.

I feel like divorcing her will be rewarding her because me being the sole provider she will end up with a nice alimony. We have twin boys who are 10.

If you are in Virginia hire a PI to prove the affair and sue her for an at-fault divorce. She won’t get alimony and you might get more than half the assets.

This. VA penalizes adultery. Talk to a lawyer and figure out how to keep your side clean.

PP here. I did it successfully. PI cost about $10,000 but probably saved me $300,000 in alimony. I got 70% of the assets. And while custody wasn’t affected, once the kids figured out what went down, they both chose to live with me when they turned 14. (No, I didn’t encourage the last thing— if anything I urged them to keep a relationship with their mom).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi guys,

I want tips on how to live in the same house with a cheating spouse who thinks I am clueless and who I think is currently in love with the AP.

I won’t lie but this is really affecting my pride because she probably thinks I am stupid and clueless and she ia getting away with it.

The thing is for financial reasons divorcing her right now will hurt me more than her. And frankly I just don’t have the financial means to go through a contested divorce. But the divorce is coming just not right now.

So in the meantime what I can do to get back at her? I thought of responding in kind by getting an affair partner as well but this is not who I am.

We are already not sleeping in the same bed. And we are not having sex either.

I feel like divorcing her will be rewarding her because me being the sole provider she will end up with a nice alimony. We have twin boys who are 10.

If you are in Virginia hire a PI to prove the affair and sue her for an at-fault divorce. She won’t get alimony and you might get more than half the assets.

This. VA penalizes adultery. Talk to a lawyer and figure out how to keep your side clean.

PP here. I did it successfully. PI cost about $10,000 but probably saved me $300,000 in alimony. I got 70% of the assets. And while custody wasn’t affected, once the kids figured out what went down, they both chose to live with me when they turned 14. (No, I didn’t encourage the last thing— if anything I urged them to keep a relationship with their mom).

Well done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi guys,

I want tips on how to live in the same house with a cheating spouse who thinks I am clueless and who I think is currently in love with the AP.

I won’t lie but this is really affecting my pride because she probably thinks I am stupid and clueless and she ia getting away with it.

The thing is for financial reasons divorcing her right now will hurt me more than her. And frankly I just don’t have the financial means to go through a contested divorce. But the divorce is coming just not right now.

So in the meantime what I can do to get back at her? I thought of responding in kind by getting an affair partner as well but this is not who I am.

We are already not sleeping in the same bed. And we are not having sex either.

I feel like divorcing her will be rewarding her because me being the sole provider she will end up with a nice alimony. We have twin boys who are 10.

I don’t want to be glib, but if you are not sleeping in the same room or having sex, why exactly do you care who she is having sex with? How long has your marriage been sexless? Not even sleeping in the same room suggests there’s a void in intimacy. There is more going on in your marriage than just an affair, that is for sure.

So by your logic her cheating is justified. She is just a coward. She can ask for a divorce if she is hot happy, but of course that would deprive her of the stability she wants to keep.

It’s never justified but sometimes it is important to recognize the potential reasons behind someone behaving in this manner. Presumably OP’s wife is not some monster, she is a human who is doing something very wrong and unethical, and I find OP’s post to be overly calculating and cold. At some point OP saw something good or appealing about his wife. OP does not seem interested in therapy or taking the best route for his children, but in his pride and finances. That may just be the anger talking and I understand that, but there may be much larger issues here that led to the state of the marriage.

I’ve seen her type. They settled (only husband didn’t know she was settling). Then as kids start getting older she’s bored and wants to upgrade her lifestyle. Cheating falsely makes her think she’s worth more on the free marker. The exit affair never materializes. She finds her dream boy was just leading her on for sex and blowing smoke up her @ss and now she’s gone and blown up her gravy train.

[Anonymous]

See women want it both ways. The AP who pays attention to her and make her “feel loved” and the baby daddy at baby daddy at home and kids who provide her with a stable life.

This this this.

[Anonymous]

My heart goes out to you OP. I loved the suggestions of marriage but I would add- I think it’s perfectly acceptable to go on a tinder date or two just for your own ego salve and validation. I do think therapy is helpful. You’ll need to identify how to navigate this whole betrayal, wounds inflicted during the marriage and how to trust yourself again. So yes I think it’s okay to get some ass and work out and meditate/pray and get therapy. How do you treat her? Be respectful for the sake of your children and leave it at that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My heart goes out to you OP. I loved the suggestions of marriage but I would add- I think it’s perfectly acceptable to go on a tinder date or two just for your own ego salve and validation. I do think therapy is helpful. You’ll need to identify how to navigate this whole betrayal, wounds inflicted during the marriage and how to trust yourself again. So yes I think it’s okay to get some ass and work out and meditate/pray and get therapy. How do you treat her? Be respectful for the sake of your children and leave it at that.

Not marriage - I meant to say therapy.

[Anonymous]

1. He will dump her immediately when she is divorced.

2. See a lawyer and figure out how to protect your assets.

3. Your money is your money inside a marriage. She has no rights to your money while u are married. Put your money in your own account so she doesn’t spend it on her AP or anything else for that matter. Obviously pay the bills and stuff for your kids.

4. Slowly encourage her to work so you don’t have to pay alimony.

5. The more you earn in retirement while married. The more she gets you might think it’s financially smart to stay married but it might screw you in the end.

6. If you have your own business talk to a lawyer to make sure she has no rights to it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi guys,

I want tips on how to live in the same house with a cheating spouse who thinks I am clueless and who I think is currently in love with the AP.

I won’t lie but this is really affecting my pride because she probably thinks I am stupid and clueless and she ia getting away with it.

The thing is for financial reasons divorcing her right now will hurt me more than her. And frankly I just don’t have the financial means to go through a contested divorce. But the divorce is coming just not right now.

So in the meantime what I can do to get back at her? I thought of responding in kind by getting an affair partner as well but this is not who I am.

We are already not sleeping in the same bed. And we are not having sex either.

I feel like divorcing her will be rewarding her because me being the sole provider she will end up with a nice alimony. We have twin boys who are 10.

To start, let me stress that I’m not in this situation so have no experience to go on. I also know nothing about the legal points brought up here.

My feeling is that getting an affair partner might be a lot of work on your part. I think women often have it much easier. That effort would probably take attention from your kids and might also be noticeable to them. I hate to say this, but their happiness and stability matter more than your happiness. Sorry. But this will pass and in under ten years you’ll be somewhere better and your kids will know this about you.

[Anonymous]

Cheating? You all have been living separate lives for awhile. Heck with the marriage paper.
Let her go.

[Anonymous]

Stop being a patsy. Some other dude is getting all up in there. You can rebuild. Kick her to the curb.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi guys,

I want tips on how to live in the same house with a cheating spouse who thinks I am clueless and who I think is currently in love with the AP.

I won’t lie but this is really affecting my pride because she probably thinks I am stupid and clueless and she ia getting away with it.

The thing is for financial reasons divorcing her right now will hurt me more than her. And frankly I just don’t have the financial means to go through a contested divorce. But the divorce is coming just not right now.

So in the meantime what I can do to get back at her? I thought of responding in kind by getting an affair partner as well but this is not who I am.

We are already not sleeping in the same bed. And we are not having sex either.

I feel like divorcing her will be rewarding her because me being the sole provider she will end up with a nice alimony. We have twin boys who are 10.

To start, let me stress that I’m not in this situation so have no experience to go on. I also know nothing about the legal points brought up here.

My feeling is that getting an affair partner might be a lot of work on your part. I think women often have it much easier. That effort would probably take attention from your kids and might also be noticeable to them. I hate to say this, but their happiness and stability matter more than your happiness. Sorry. But this will pass and in under ten years you’ll be somewhere better and your kids will know this about you.

Agree. At least let them have one parent that has their best interests in mind.

Personally, I’m not a cheater. Never have been. I couldn’t sink to the same level. There is something satisfying about knowing you never crossed that morality line yourself. You carried yourself with integrity. But- I’d divorce her.