Helping emotionally navigate a terminal diagnosis

[Anonymous]

I agree w/ the pps who talked about doing things with your loved ones now - focusing on what brings pleasure and happy memories, not on what you're losing. Focus on the things that make you love them, not the things that make them sick or take them away.

Help document memories - take the photos, keep a journal, take notes on conversations about "hey, who gave you that vase you love so much, how did you and Jay meet, tell me some of your favorite memories, what advice do you really want me to take to heart" etc...

I lost my best friend at 35, and have lost many other friends/relatives/parents - many of them from long illnesses. My best friend died of AIDS so we had a long time of knowing it was coming and we made the most of the time. Many of my most cherished memories are from that time. And there were lots of days when just being "normal" was the best part. I even remember fights we had, and once - yelling "you don't get to be an a'hole just because you're dying!" and then the ridiculousness of that making both of us collapse in laughter. And I remember his family telling me how when I showed up it brought out the core of him, gave them all glimpses of the person who sometimes got lost in the clinical focus.

Anyway, I guess my advice is to prioritize time with and for your inlaw (and spouse/family). Try to ensure you won't have regrets about things left unsaid or undone - in the long run that's really all you can do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't have books to recommend though i totally agree with the poster who said don't give them self help books.

One thing I will say is focus on just enjoying the person. Don't get overwhelmed with guilt that you aren't doing everything to make every day special. Don't visit and fall apart over how sad it all is. Don't feel like you have to fulfill their every last wish unless the person is truly kind and reasonable about it. Just live in the moment. Do the things together that bring happy memories. Make a favorite meal, visit a favorite park, look at favorite photos. Let the person know how much he/she means to you.

My brother told me he liked my approach the best when he was dying. He hated people showing up and making it all about their grief and guilt and making him always feel like the sick pathetic one. We just spent time together like we always did. We went to a favorite restaurant. We shared stories. We made fun of eachother in a fun way-nothing mean or backhanded. I didn't treat him like my "dying brother" and constantly remind him of how awful and sad it was. I did cry some at the end and a whole lot when he was gone, but mostly what I tried to give him was normalcy and he said that is what he wanted most.

NP. Your post made me cry. Thank you for sharing.

Two criers here. I hope I was as great with my loved ones illness as you were. I certainly tried, but wondered what he “right thing” to do was. It sounds like you handled it beautifully