Helping emotionally navigate a terminal diagnosis

[Anonymous]

In law was just given a terminal diagnosis. My spouse and other in law are blindsided and struggling. Can anyone recommend resources / literature to help them adjust to this new normal?

[Anonymous]

Hospice. Sorry your family is going through that.

[Anonymous]

As the person who received a potentially terminal diagnosis, I was shocked and disturbed to receive a book in the mail from a “well meaning” relative about “365 daily Bible passages as we prepare to meet God” or similar. So, please, no how-to books.

[Anonymous]

You’re in a supporting role. You support their wishes. Ask them.

[Anonymous]

Therapy and grief counseling. Anticipatory grief is real. My MIL had ALS and it was awful before and after she died. I’m very sorry for your family.

[Anonymous]

I don't have books to recommend though i totally agree with the poster who said don't give them self help books.

One thing I will say is focus on just enjoying the person. Don't get overwhelmed with guilt that you aren't doing everything to make every day special. Don't visit and fall apart over how sad it all is. Don't feel like you have to fulfill their every last wish unless the person is truly kind and reasonable about it. Just live in the moment. Do the things together that bring happy memories. Make a favorite meal, visit a favorite park, look at favorite photos. Let the person know how much he/she means to you.

My brother told me he liked my approach the best when he was dying. He hated people showing up and making it all about their grief and guilt and making him always feel like the sick pathetic one. We just spent time together like we always did. We went to a favorite restaurant. We shared stories. We made fun of eachother in a fun way-nothing mean or backhanded. I didn't treat him like my "dying brother" and constantly remind him of how awful and sad it was. I did cry some at the end and a whole lot when he was gone, but mostly what I tried to give him was normalcy and he said that is what he wanted most.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't have books to recommend though i totally agree with the poster who said don't give them self help books.

One thing I will say is focus on just enjoying the person. Don't get overwhelmed with guilt that you aren't doing everything to make every day special. Don't visit and fall apart over how sad it all is. Don't feel like you have to fulfill their every last wish unless the person is truly kind and reasonable about it. Just live in the moment. Do the things together that bring happy memories. Make a favorite meal, visit a favorite park, look at favorite photos. Let the person know how much he/she means to you.

My brother told me he liked my approach the best when he was dying. He hated people showing up and making it all about their grief and guilt and making him always feel like the sick pathetic one. We just spent time together like we always did. We went to a favorite restaurant. We shared stories. We made fun of eachother in a fun way-nothing mean or backhanded. I didn't treat him like my "dying brother" and constantly remind him of how awful and sad it was. I did cry some at the end and a whole lot when he was gone, but mostly what I tried to give him was normalcy and he said that is what he wanted most.

NP. Your post made me cry. Thank you for sharing.

[Anonymous]

Here’s a good article on anticipatory grief from the current issue of Brain & Life. https://www.brainandlife.org/articles/how-caregivers-deal-with-anticipatory-grief

I spent the last almost decade working in hospice. The path ahead is not an easy one, obviously. But as with all of life, it is most important to try as hard as possible to be present in the moment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't have books to recommend though i totally agree with the poster who said don't give them self help books.

One thing I will say is focus on just enjoying the person. Don't get overwhelmed with guilt that you aren't doing everything to make every day special. Don't visit and fall apart over how sad it all is. Don't feel like you have to fulfill their every last wish unless the person is truly kind and reasonable about it. Just live in the moment. Do the things together that bring happy memories. Make a favorite meal, visit a favorite park, look at favorite photos. Let the person know how much he/she means to you.

My brother told me he liked my approach the best when he was dying. He hated people showing up and making it all about their grief and guilt and making him always feel like the sick pathetic one. We just spent time together like we always did. We went to a favorite restaurant. We shared stories. We made fun of eachother in a fun way-nothing mean or backhanded. I didn't treat him like my "dying brother" and constantly remind him of how awful and sad it was. I did cry some at the end and a whole lot when he was gone, but mostly what I tried to give him was normalcy and he said that is what he wanted most.

Excellent advice. When my husband was dying, I just wanted us to feel somewhat normal. I greatly appreciated those who made us feel that way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't have books to recommend though i totally agree with the poster who said don't give them self help books.

One thing I will say is focus on just enjoying the person. Don't get overwhelmed with guilt that you aren't doing everything to make every day special. Don't visit and fall apart over how sad it all is. Don't feel like you have to fulfill their every last wish unless the person is truly kind and reasonable about it. Just live in the moment. Do the things together that bring happy memories. Make a favorite meal, visit a favorite park, look at favorite photos. Let the person know how much he/she means to you.

My brother told me he liked my approach the best when he was dying. He hated people showing up and making it all about their grief and guilt and making him always feel like the sick pathetic one. We just spent time together like we always did. We went to a favorite restaurant. We shared stories. We made fun of eachother in a fun way-nothing mean or backhanded. I didn't treat him like my "dying brother" and constantly remind him of how awful and sad it was. I did cry some at the end and a whole lot when he was gone, but mostly what I tried to give him was normalcy and he said that is what he wanted most.

This reminds me of when my brother died. As he got sicker and could no longer drive I would pick him up on Sunday afternoons and take him on whatever errands he had or wherever he wanted to go, sometimes to visit people, and we would enjoy brother-sister time that we hadn't really had in years due to our busy lives and families. It gave his usual caregivers a break and we both totally enjoyed those hours together. We didn't talk about his illness or his prognosis or any of that, we just hung out together and did what he wanted. I cherish that time with him.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thank you to each PP for the advice. I sincerely appreciate it.

[Anonymous]

Hospice care — in home or a facility. They were angels. Told us what to expect and helped us prepare. I’m grateful to this day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't have books to recommend though i totally agree with the poster who said don't give them self help books.

One thing I will say is focus on just enjoying the person. Don't get overwhelmed with guilt that you aren't doing everything to make every day special. Don't visit and fall apart over how sad it all is. Don't feel like you have to fulfill their every last wish unless the person is truly kind and reasonable about it. Just live in the moment. Do the things together that bring happy memories. Make a favorite meal, visit a favorite park, look at favorite photos. Let the person know how much he/she means to you.

My brother told me he liked my approach the best when he was dying. He hated people showing up and making it all about their grief and guilt and making him always feel like the sick pathetic one. We just spent time together like we always did. We went to a favorite restaurant. We shared stories. We made fun of eachother in a fun way-nothing mean or backhanded. I didn't treat him like my "dying brother" and constantly remind him of how awful and sad it was. I did cry some at the end and a whole lot when he was gone, but mostly what I tried to give him was normalcy and he said that is what he wanted most.

This reminds me of when my brother died. As he got sicker and could no longer drive I would pick him up on Sunday afternoons and take him on whatever errands he had or wherever he wanted to go, sometimes to visit people, and we would enjoy brother-sister time that we hadn't really had in years due to our busy lives and families. It gave his usual caregivers a break and we both totally enjoyed those hours together. We didn't talk about his illness or his prognosis or any of that, we just hung out together and did what he wanted. I cherish that time with him.

These posts are helpful to me. My father was recently diagnosed with metastatic cancer. My brothers are falling apart. I keep telling them to bring that stuff to me and not to my dad. When I call my dad or visit, I just do the same stuff we've always done. He talks to me when he wants to about what's happening, but the rest of the time we just visit. Separately I check in with my mom about what she needs, how she is feeling. You guys are making me feel better about the way I'm handling it.

[Anonymous]

I found a lot of good guidance in “Being Mortal” by Atul Gawande. Sending good thoughts to you and your family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't have books to recommend though i totally agree with the poster who said don't give them self help books.

One thing I will say is focus on just enjoying the person. Don't get overwhelmed with guilt that you aren't doing everything to make every day special. Don't visit and fall apart over how sad it all is. Don't feel like you have to fulfill their every last wish unless the person is truly kind and reasonable about it. Just live in the moment. Do the things together that bring happy memories. Make a favorite meal, visit a favorite park, look at favorite photos. Let the person know how much he/she means to you.

My brother told me he liked my approach the best when he was dying. He hated people showing up and making it all about their grief and guilt and making him always feel like the sick pathetic one. We just spent time together like we always did. We went to a favorite restaurant. We shared stories. We made fun of eachother in a fun way-nothing mean or backhanded. I didn't treat him like my "dying brother" and constantly remind him of how awful and sad it was. I did cry some at the end and a whole lot when he was gone, but mostly what I tried to give him was normalcy and he said that is what he wanted most.

Excellent advice. When my husband was dying, I just wanted us to feel somewhat normal. I greatly appreciated those who made us feel that way.

I agree with you and that's how we deal with things in our immediate family. Keep calm and carry on sort of thing. It's the approach I tried with my mother but it backfired spectacularly.