Twins and dating

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did you son apologize for doing something that upset his sister? If not, I'd encourage him to. Just say "I know you asked me not to and I did it anyhow and I'm sorry I upset you". Or whatever teens say.

Next, your DD needs to understand that we don't give people the silent treatment. It's mean and abusive. She doesn't have to go back to being pals, if she feels wronged it's ok to be upset, but it's not ok to refuse to speak to someone. She doesn't need to snap back to "chummy best friends" but she does need to make an effort to be polite, which includes speaking.

He shouldn’t apologize. He didn’t do anything wrong. His sister should not be encouraged to believe that she has the right to control who he asks out. She doesn’t.

[Anonymous]

^^ I agree with the above. I think they will probably have to come to their own agreement about who to ask out, OR know that this will happen and it's part of the territory of being twins, but YOU can control how people in the family deal with conflict. I think that's where I'd lean in. And I agree with talking to DD separately. I'm guessing there are feelings behind the scenes here that she'd want to process...and for that matter, talk to DS, too! Ask him why he did it even though she asked him not to. Even if you're not trying to guide him, I think it's worth exploring boundaries with him.

Good luck! I think one day, you will look back and smile fondly on this, even though I'm sure it's painful right now.

[Anonymous]

Nothing for you to do, stay out of it. They need their relationship independent of you. I'm 13 months older than my brother and we had overlapping peer groups growing up. My friends used to crush on my brother and his friends on me. I never liked my brothers friends (I saw the grosser side to them through my brother). I would have been angry at my brother too if he did what your son did. I would have also gotten over it. Mom would only make things worse.

That said, I got super angry at a friend who tried to use me to get to my brother. That friendship never recovered because I felt used.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They should not be dating each other’s friends. Your son disregarded her opinion and also over stepped asking a close friend.

I completely see your daughters point of view on this. A good relationship can ruin their friendship. A break-up could ruin their friendship. Any toxic crap that happens during relationship could ruin friendship.

They should both say 5 friends that are off limits. Plenty other fish in the sea.

Disagree completely.

+2 That is completely ridiculous. Of course they can date whomever they want. The daughter sounds self centered.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They should not be dating each other’s friends. Your son disregarded her opinion and also over stepped asking a close friend.

I completely see your daughters point of view on this. A good relationship can ruin their friendship. A break-up could ruin their friendship. Any toxic crap that happens during relationship could ruin friendship.

They should both say 5 friends that are off limits. Plenty other fish in the sea.

There aren’t plenty of other fish in the sea when you are in high school with overlapping friend groups.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They should not be dating each other’s friends. Your son disregarded her opinion and also over stepped asking a close friend.

I completely see your daughters point of view on this. A good relationship can ruin their friendship. A break-up could ruin their friendship. Any toxic crap that happens during relationship could ruin friendship.

They should both say 5 friends that are off limits. Plenty other fish in the sea.

Disagree completely.

+2 That is completely ridiculous. Of course they can date whomever they want. The daughter sounds self centered.

Maybe she knew her friend better?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They should not be dating each other’s friends. Your son disregarded her opinion and also over stepped asking a close friend.

I completely see your daughters point of view on this. A good relationship can ruin their friendship. A break-up could ruin their friendship. Any toxic crap that happens during relationship could ruin friendship.

They should both say 5 friends that are off limits. Plenty other fish in the sea.

Disagree completely.

+2 That is completely ridiculous. Of course they can date whomever they want. The daughter sounds self centered.

She sounds like a typical teen who is insecure and worried about losing her friend. Not making excuses, but let's call a spade, a spade.

[Anonymous]

Different perspective here: you won’t be able to stop boy twin, but it can also blow up your girl twin’s social life.

I’m in my early 40s and have a boy twin. We were not super close growing up but did have overlapping friend groups or at least knew all of the same people. He blew up many of my friendships because he would be around my friends a lot just through sheer proximity and then start dating them. He sometimes behaved like a regular careless teenage boy about these relationships and sometimes was just a jerk, but the end result is that my friendships with these girls dried up because they didn’t want to come over any more and didn’t feel like they could vent or seek comfort from me after things feel apart.

I’ve talked to many grown b/g twins since then and I think this is common. The girl twins’ friends see the family side of their friend’s twin brother, get to know them better than most boys at school, and perceive him as a less-threatening species than other HS boys. He becomes very dateable. Other boys might struggle or be awkward around girls, but not the boy twin because his house has been filled with girl peers from day 1. He’s really good at knowing just what girls that age want to hear! But he’s still a HS boy with HS boy motivations and now a big head because he has all of his his girl twin’s friends fawning over him.

Fast forward and he dates a string of the friends, leaving hurt or confused girls in his wake and a sister whose friends no longer confide in her because her brother is the source of their heartbreak.

For some reason none of the adult b/g twins I’ve met have described these blowups happening with the genders reversed. I think the boy twins’ friends are apt to see the girl twin as someone in the friend zone because they’re so familiar with her, and many date younger girls in HS, too. Having a twin took a lot of options off the table for me in HS and college was a relief!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did you son apologize for doing something that upset his sister? If not, I'd encourage him to. Just say "I know you asked me not to and I did it anyhow and I'm sorry I upset you". Or whatever teens say.

Next, your DD needs to understand that we don't give people the silent treatment. It's mean and abusive. She doesn't have to go back to being pals, if she feels wronged it's ok to be upset, but it's not ok to refuse to speak to someone. She doesn't need to snap back to "chummy best friends" but she does need to make an effort to be polite, which includes speaking.

This represents the best course of action, providing a valuable learning experience for both the children involved and an opportunity for the parent to teach essential lessons.

This situation is not limited to twins but can apply to any siblings, close friends, or family members. It extends beyond dating and underscores the importance of teaching every child to respect the boundaries of others, whether it's their sibling, friend, or parent.

In cases where one child has a circle of friends and wishes to maintain boundaries from an annoying younger sibling or a bossy older sibling, it's crucial that these boundaries are upheld. Parents play a vital role in ensuring that these boundaries are respected, and if they dont it may lead the child to perceive the sibling as an adversary, potentially resulting in actions like not inviting friends over, and worse believing that parents cannot create an environment free from the intrusion of the incompatible sibling.

[Anonymous]

I'd have a talk with Girl Twin. Boy Twin asked for her advice, NOT her permission. She doesn't get to control what other people do. She was worried about something that didn't happen, and now she's the only one upset here. Everyone else is walking around happy, except her. Tell her to think about that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did you son apologize for doing something that upset his sister? If not, I'd encourage him to. Just say "I know you asked me not to and I did it anyhow and I'm sorry I upset you". Or whatever teens say.

Next, your DD needs to understand that we don't give people the silent treatment. It's mean and abusive. She doesn't have to go back to being pals, if she feels wronged it's ok to be upset, but it's not ok to refuse to speak to someone. She doesn't need to snap back to "chummy best friends" but she does need to make an effort to be polite, which includes speaking.

This represents the best course of action, providing a valuable learning experience for both the children involved and an opportunity for the parent to teach essential lessons.

This situation is not limited to twins but can apply to any siblings, close friends, or family members. It extends beyond dating and underscores the importance of teaching every child to respect the boundaries of others, whether it's their sibling, friend, or parent.

In cases where one child has a circle of friends and wishes to maintain boundaries from an annoying younger sibling or a bossy older sibling, it's crucial that these boundaries are upheld. Parents play a vital role in ensuring that these boundaries are respected, and if they dont it may lead the child to perceive the sibling as an adversary, potentially resulting in actions like not inviting friends over, and worse believing that parents cannot create an environment free from the intrusion of the incompatible sibling.

This is good advice! My DH and I both grew up with “incompatible siblings” as you call them, and it’s an apt term. They let awful siblings run roughshod over our lives because “but we’re a family”. No, being related does not release anyone from treated each other respectfully.

Because our parents didn’t allow any boundaries around our sibling relationships, we are very good at setting boundaries as adults after experiencing long periods of young adulthood when we both sucked at it. It really affected my dating life because my parents’ lack of intervention over my brother’s bad behavior taught me to internalize that men were allowed to treat me however they wanted and that’s just the way it worked.

If you don’t set ground rules for interactions now, think ahead to what it might look like in the future.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd have a talk with Girl Twin. Boy Twin asked for her advice, NOT her permission. She doesn't get to control what other people do. She was worried about something that didn't happen, and now she's the only one upset here. Everyone else is walking around happy, except her. Tell her to think about that.

This is not true since if Op was happy than she wouldn't have asked for advice. Also, twin boy is probably pretending. Why did twin boy even ask? If that is your attitude "I can do what I want without any consequences" than what was the point?

[Anonymous]

Are you sure girl twin is straight? Maybe she has a crush on her friend.

[Anonymous]

B/G twins are a different anomal with regard to this situation. I have them too. Its definitely advisable not to date within the friend group, if at all possible.

My DD dated one of my DS's best friends when she was 18 and it went south very badly and in a very unexpected way (think serious mental illness we knew nothing about even though this boy was a family friend for about four years). It was a bad situation and my DS is no longer friends with the ex-bf/former friend. Obviously all recovered but they are now very concisous not to go down that road with a friend of the twin.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did you son apologize for doing something that upset his sister? If not, I'd encourage him to. Just say "I know you asked me not to and I did it anyhow and I'm sorry I upset you". Or whatever teens say.

Next, your DD needs to understand that we don't give people the silent treatment. It's mean and abusive. She doesn't have to go back to being pals, if she feels wronged it's ok to be upset, but it's not ok to refuse to speak to someone. She doesn't need to snap back to "chummy best friends" but she does need to make an effort to be polite, which includes speaking.

This represents the best course of action, providing a valuable learning experience for both the children involved and an opportunity for the parent to teach essential lessons.

This situation is not limited to twins but can apply to any siblings, close friends, or family members. It extends beyond dating and underscores the importance of teaching every child to respect the boundaries of others, whether it's their sibling, friend, or parent.

In cases where one child has a circle of friends and wishes to maintain boundaries from an annoying younger sibling or a bossy older sibling, it's crucial that these boundaries are upheld. Parents play a vital role in ensuring that these boundaries are respected, and if they dont it may lead the child to perceive the sibling as an adversary, potentially resulting in actions like not inviting friends over, and worse believing that parents cannot create an environment free from the intrusion of the incompatible sibling.

Absolutely not! Daughter is not entitled to set this boundary.