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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]My kid is like this but much younger (early elementary) so I'm reading this thread with interest because it is something I'm hoping gets better with time but I see it's not uncommon for parents of tweens/teens too. ADHD kid who definitely has rejection sensitivity.

Sometimes I struggle with the line between modeling what it means to take responsibility for your own behavior for her, and not getting blamed for every single negative thing that happens. [b]Like I'll apologize to her for serving a late dinner one night[/b], knowing that being hangry is a major trigger for her to get dysregulated. But then on another night we'll eat dinner at a normal time and she'll blame me for her bad mood anyway, saying it's because I screwed up and served dinner too late. It's really frustrating.

I feel like I do okay staying calm and both empathizing with the underlying feeling ("I hear that you are hungry and that's uncomfortable") but also not accepting responsibility for every single thing ("yelling at me or being rude to me isn't an acceptable way to handle being hungry -- maybe next time just ask for a pre-dinner snack if the wait feels too long"). It's so exhausting always having to walk these tight ropes.

Not trying to hijack, but definitely interested to hear if anyone has tips for dealing with this because the idea of this going on for another decade or more sounds like a lot.[/quote]

Respectfully, I don’t think modeling apologizing for serving dinner late is good modeling. Taking responsibility for someone else’s mood and body is not healthy.

IMO, a better approach would be to help her recognize her own triggers and give her ways to cope.

I’d pull her side when she is not hangry and recall some episodes when she got hangry & what the clues were. Acknowledge that because of various other obligations it’s not possible to eat at the same time every night.  Ask her instead if instead would like to set up a “hangry” box. Discuss what kinds of snacks typically stop hunger but are healthy and won’t totally ruin dinner - high protein/high fiber is usually good. Work together to cycle through problem identification, suggested solution, evaluation of solution, adjusting solution.

This is a cycle she will need to manage her ADHD. Problem - I have to wake up by myself every morning for work, etc. 
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