Fourth date-sleepover, no sex

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This sounds really really boring. Pet her cats? That’s not even a euphemism? If this is what is happening in lesbian relationships, I bet a lot of guys who fanaticize about this are very disappointed.

Ha, so true.

Maybe they should lay off the weed, tequila, and couch-potatoing. How about go do something where you can touch a little bit in a flirtatious way. Mini golf? Hike the Billy Goat Trail? Sit at the corner of a bar, share a bottle of white wine, play a little footsie under the bar? Maybe that would help you get comfortable being physical and sexual. Then you can do a little actual making out.

Right? I am not an extrovert by any means, but if this is what dating has come down to f it.

OP here. We have gone downtown for brunch, went to the drive in theater, and went out to a Mexican restaurant on the 3 dates prior. We wanted a more chill night I guess

What's the big rush? I know that these days "dating" now means "having sex" and having it as early as possible but why not get to know each other as people first? This applies whether the relationship is lesbian, gay, straight or anything else. I get the impression you're both a bit insecure here and overthinking it all. Plan more active outings (not just restaurants/food/movies). What does she really like to do for fun? Where in the area has neither of you been before? Do you realliy share the same interests and tastes--do you know for sure? Are you able to have actual fun together beyond sharing food and watching movies (drive-in or at home)? Worry less about when you "should" be having sex and then it'll happen more organically and naturally, because you both want to, not because either of you feels you "should" be doing it.

OP here. Thanks so much, this was helpful!
I'll plan a fun date for the next time

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This sounds really really boring. Pet her cats? That’s not even a euphemism? If this is what is happening in lesbian relationships, I bet a lot of guys who fanaticize about this are very disappointed.

It wasn't boring to me. She once said I could come over to play with her cats anytime, then said she meant is sexually too. So she basically gave me the go-ahead, and I didn't take it because I'm nervous with women and used to men making the first move. I think that none of the people commenting on here have even bothered trying to date a woman...

The same advice applies no matter the sexuality involved: If you're too nervous to make the first move, it's not time for the first move yet. Slow down the assumptions that people are supposed to kiss by Date Number Whatever and then have sex by Date Number Whichever. There are no magic numbers for when one is supposed to do anything. You're both individuals, not part of some formula. Dating a woman, dating a man, etc., same thing is true.

OP here. This makes me feel a bit better, thanks

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is she not used to being gay or something

We both have only kissed women. She said she wants to do more though. I messed up.

I think it’s just a big step for her, probably. And maybe intimidating? I think she can genuinely want to have sex, but also not be quite ready.

[Anonymous]

Maybe one of you just isn't all that into the other sexually, or both

[Anonymous]

Drunk and high and still not having sex? I can't imagine ever having sex sober after that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is she not used to being gay or something

We both have only kissed women. She said she wants to do more though. I messed up.

If you messed up, then she messed up too. You were following her cues. I think she wants to date women in theory more than in practice, and it’s much easier to flirt over text than in-person. I imagine she really likes you and finds you attractive - you are the kind of woman she would want to date, if she actually wanted to date women.

You didn’t mess up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is she not used to being gay or something

We both have only kissed women. She said she wants to do more though. I messed up.

If you messed up, then she messed up too. You were following her cues. I think she wants to date women in theory more than in practice, and it’s much easier to flirt over text than in-person. I imagine she really likes you and finds you attractive - you are the kind of woman she would want to date, if she actually wanted to date women.

You didn’t mess up.

And I say that not because you didn’t hook up - but you didn’t really cuddle or even hold hands, right? Again, it’s not all on you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is she not used to being gay or something

We both have only kissed women. She said she wants to do more though. I messed up.

If you messed up, then she messed up too. You were following her cues. I think she wants to date women in theory more than in practice, and it’s much easier to flirt over text than in-person. I imagine she really likes you and finds you attractive - you are the kind of woman she would want to date, if she actually wanted to date women.

You didn’t mess up.

And I say that not because you didn’t hook up - but you didn’t really cuddle or even hold hands, right? Again, it’s not all on you!

We cuddled as we fell asleep. I was the big spoon, she had her butt in my crotch, my arm was over her stomach, and she interlocked her had over mine. It was pretty intimate, at least as intimate I've ever been with a woman.

[Anonymous]

It's ok for things to take as long as they take. At some point, things will happen naturally. Or they won't, and that's ok too. There's no rush here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We both have only kissed women

Do you mean that, with women, you have only kissed and not done more, or do you mean that you have never kissed a man and the only people you've kissed are women?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We both have only kissed women

Do you mean that, with women, you have only kissed and not done more, or do you mean that you have never kissed a man and the only people you've kissed are women?

I believe she's saying she has never done more with weomen, than kiss them. She earlier said that they are both new to dating same gender. I think that both of you are a little unsure of how to start or if you even want to. Its just going to take some time and getting comfortable with each other. Neither one of you is going to be the insitgator because you're both shy and unsure, which is fine, just means it will take time. At some point perhaps you can talk about it? and find ways that you're both comfortable with that will go farther along.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We both have only kissed women

Do you mean that, with women, you have only kissed and not done more, or do you mean that you have never kissed a man and the only people you've kissed are women?

I believe she's saying she has never done more with weomen, than kiss them. She earlier said that they are both new to dating same gender. I think that both of you are a little unsure of how to start or if you even want to. Its just going to take some time and getting comfortable with each other. Neither one of you is going to be the insitgator because you're both shy and unsure, which is fine, just means it will take time. At some point perhaps you can talk about it? and find ways that you're both comfortable with that will go farther along.

+1 Nobody is “messing up.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Drunk and high and still not having sex? I can't imagine ever having sex sober after that.

We had the 2 shots of tequila after eating a stuffed crust pizza so we weren't even tipsy.
As far as being high, we weren't that high either, just relaxed. We both have a tolerance. One shared joint isn't going to make you stoned.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We both have only kissed women

Do you mean that, with women, you have only kissed and not done more, or do you mean that you have never kissed a man and the only people you've kissed are women?

I meant we haven't gone further with women
I've definitely kissed a man, I'm a mother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is she not used to being gay or something

We both have only kissed women. She said she wants to do more though. I messed up.

If you messed up, then she messed up too. You were following her cues. I think she wants to date women in theory more than in practice, and it’s much easier to flirt over text than in-person. I imagine she really likes you and finds you attractive - you are the kind of woman she would want to date, if she actually wanted to date women.

You didn’t mess up.

I agree.

Maybe she isn't ready, or maybe the vibe isn't there. I think you should date some other people because first it will be she's too nervous for sex, and then she won't want to come out etc etc etc. Sounds like too much trouble, honestly.