Is my mom normal?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is she an immigrant? Some cultures stress destiny- my mom was always going on about how her destiny was to be disappointed (including by her children). No, it wasn’t great but it was grounded in how she was raised.

"If it's your destiny, then accept it and stop lamenting and complaining."

[Anonymous]

Find ways not to be around your mom when you're sad. Have you actually talked to her about this when you're not sad? She probably has a hard time with you shutting down (maybe to her it feels like the silent treatment?).

So yeah, the behavior isn't "normal," but it has an explanation.

[Anonymous]

It’s your mom not being able to sit with your distress without taking it on. You know she can’t handle it too - it’s why you don’t want to talk about it with her. Because she can’t fix it, it becomes her distress. It takes a lot of self awareness & self control to sit with someone in distress and she just can’t. It doesn’t make her a bad person. My mom is the same and I didn’t understand it until I became a mother. The best advice I received about tending to someone in pain is “be a tree”. Quiet, shady, supportive, strong. Hoping you have others in your life who can be a tree for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, tbh, you saying “I’m fine” when you’re not is kinda passive aggressive. So next time, change your language and use your words. “I’m a little sad right now, I don’t want to talk about it yet, I will later, and I don’t want you to be hurt, right now I need to be alone.”

Fair enough. When Im hurt im so low. Dont want to talk to anyone.
Im in the wrong too

"I'm fine" is not passive aggressive necessarily. It's part of the unspoken rules (see the other thread) that means I don't want to talk about it right now.

[Anonymous]

I don't think it's normal compared to most mothers but it might be typical mom and MIL behavior on DCUM according to the many posts I've read about mom problems.

It really doesn't matter if it's normal or typical, it's what your mom does and you have to deal with that. I'm glad you seem to really like her otherwise, perhaps you could see a therapist about the best way to deal with this behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, tbh, you saying “I’m fine” when you’re not is kinda passive aggressive. So next time, change your language and use your words. “I’m a little sad right now, I don’t want to talk about it yet, I will later, and I don’t want you to be hurt, right now I need to be alone.”

Fair enough. When Im hurt im so low. Dont want to talk to anyone.
Im in the wrong too

"I'm fine" is not passive aggressive necessarily. It's part of the unspoken rules (see the other thread) that means I don't want to talk about it right now.

New poster, and I disagree. I think may be a tool used that way, but it's not conducive to healthy conversations. That said, even if it is an unspoken rule that we're all supposed to abide by, it's clear that OP's mom doesn't respond that way. OP says she is sad or upset, and her mom clearly recognizes that fact, so to her it might feel like OP is lying or just avoiding a conversation. So OP might benefit from changing her approach. Being truthful (“I’m a little sad right now") and clear about her preferences (
I don’t want to talk about it yet") seems like a healthier approach to dealing with her mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, tbh, you saying “I’m fine” when you’re not is kinda passive aggressive. So next time, change your language and use your words. “I’m a little sad right now, I don’t want to talk about it yet, I will later, and I don’t want you to be hurt, right now I need to be alone.”

Fair enough. When Im hurt im so low. Dont want to talk to anyone.
Im in the wrong too

NP. You're not in the wrong at all. But, you can also tell your mom what you need to build more connection. "I'm sad, but want to be left alone." "Thanks for checking in on me. Though I don't want to talk about it now, I appreciate it." Or, if she's making it about her. "My sadness has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with me. Those comments aren't helpful."

[Anonymous]

Can she keep friends? Dies she bags them then blue up at there and they fall out? Sounds like borderline personality disorder.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is she an immigrant? Some cultures stress destiny- my mom was always going on about how her destiny was to be disappointed (including by her children). No, it wasn’t great but it was grounded in how she was raised.

Yes, this was my impression too.

The dramatic Russian mother reaction is often to say that she will have a heart attack because so upset.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, tbh, you saying “I’m fine” when you’re not is kinda passive aggressive. So next time, change your language and use your words. “I’m a little sad right now, I don’t want to talk about it yet, I will later, and I don’t want you to be hurt, right now I need to be alone.”

Fair enough. When Im hurt im so low. Dont want to talk to anyone.
Im in the wrong too

"I'm fine" is not passive aggressive necessarily. It's part of the unspoken rules (see the other thread) that means I don't want to talk about it right now.

New poster, and I disagree. I think may be a tool used that way, but it's not conducive to healthy conversations. That said, even if it is an unspoken rule that we're all supposed to abide by, it's clear that OP's mom doesn't respond that way. OP says she is sad or upset, and her mom clearly recognizes that fact, so to her it might feel like OP is lying or just avoiding a conversation. So OP might benefit from changing her approach. Being truthful (“I’m a little sad right now") and clear about her preferences (
I don’t want to talk about it yet") seems like a healthier approach to dealing with her mom.

I can see that. I think "I don't want to talk about it right now" is the right tone. OPs feelings matter and she shouldn't even have to express every emotion for her mom.

[Anonymous]

How old are you OP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why are you spending time with her at all?

Charming

[Anonymous]

It may be cultural. If not, consider that this kind of stark, binary behavior ("remove me from this earth" if you won't talk to her) is often learned, and you may be headed there yourself ("other than that she is perfection").

Healthy emotions are often more measured.

[Anonymous]

How old is your mom and is this kind of response is consistent? Maybe menopause, womens gets depressed, and mood swing during that period and it can be years, show kindness to her because she might be struggling.