Friend is upset that I don't want to share info with her... how to proceed?

[Anonymous]

I have a sister like this. I love her, but had to create boundaries to protect my mental health. She would always deride me for not sharing what was going on with me, but when I shared, she would provide very unhelpful and unempathetic advice. She also would never share with me what was going on with her (though I didn’t push her).

Sadly, I think one part of maturing is learning the difference between people you care about and like and those you trust with your truest thoughts and secrets. I didn’t fully understand this until my late 30s and after having been burned many times. Some people you have to keep at arms length to avoid being sucked into their negativity, drama or manipulation. It doesn’t mean they don’t have pure intentions, but their intentions ultimately don’t matter — what matters is their impact on you.

[Anonymous]

I am all for keeping your private thoughts/life private, but giving out tidbits of information or acting gloomy in person. For example, do not tell her you are going thru some sad and stressful period and then if she asks a question, you don’t want to talk about it. Basically, fake it until you make it and no one will ask questions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am all for keeping your private thoughts/life private, but giving out tidbits of information or acting gloomy in person. For example, do not tell her you are going thru some sad and stressful period and then if she asks a question, you don’t want to talk about it. Basically, fake it until you make it and no one will ask questions.

Disagree. OP does not have to pretend she is fine in order to avoid discussing it with a friend who has repeatedly been unsupportive about it.

If we were talking about a nosy coworker, this is fine advice. But given that OP has previously confided in this friend and she wasn't supportive, I think OP's approach is fine. The friend already knows something is going on so there's no secret here, but OP is well within her rights to say "you know what, you've been rude to me the last three times we talked about this, I'd prefer to not discuss it now."

[Anonymous]

Can I ask how she's been dismissive of your issues? Can you give an example?

Perhaps she hasn't been dismissive but you haven't liked the way she communicates care?

Also, are you equal in listening to her as she listens to you?

I think boundaries are fine but I want to know the whole story first.

[Anonymous]

If you are acting a certain way around her and she’s a good friend I can see how she would feel put out. Or if you’re talking about it minimally but not sharing all, that’s frustrating.
If you need a break from her or to take a step back then do that. But don’t feed tidbits if you’re not gonna deliver the whole meal. This isn’t MS

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can I ask how she's been dismissive of your issues? Can you give an example?

Perhaps she hasn't been dismissive but you haven't liked the way she communicates care?

Also, are you equal in listening to her as she listens to you?

I think boundaries are fine but I want to know the whole story first.

I’ve had some health issues, some of which correlate to my ethnicity (more common, can be confirmed by genetic testing). She has stated in the past that “your race doesn’t matter!” in getting a diagnosis… and it really does. It’s a disease that anyone can have but is more common in people with my ethnic background. She has also made snide comments in that past about others with certain mental health issues. She doesn’t know that I struggle with one of those issues.

The reason I told her “I’m just not feeling great” is because she wants to call and text daily and tell me about her life. I’m at capacity right now. That’s when she said “well what’s wrong with you?” So I told her, it’s some medical stuff and emotional things I’m working through.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can I ask how she's been dismissive of your issues? Can you give an example?

Perhaps she hasn't been dismissive but you haven't liked the way she communicates care?

Also, are you equal in listening to her as she listens to you?

I think boundaries are fine but I want to know the whole story first.

Pressed enter to soon:

I listen to her constantly. Her work drama, her family drama, her beef with her therapist… all of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am all for keeping your private thoughts/life private, but giving out tidbits of information or acting gloomy in person. For example, do not tell her you are going thru some sad and stressful period and then if she asks a question, you don’t want to talk about it. Basically, fake it until you make it and no one will ask questions.

This. I find it annoying when people, for example, sigh a lot and say they're so stressed. Then when you ask why, they say they don't want to discuss it. Good grief, then don't make a production out of sighing and talking about being stressed. It's annoying. Kind of the in person equivalent of Vaguebooking. Posting "I really need healing thoughts/prayers/etc today" and then when someone (inevitably) asks what's up, saying something like "it's private/personal or God knows why, just send prayers".

Ugh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am all for keeping your private thoughts/life private, but giving out tidbits of information or acting gloomy in person. For example, do not tell her you are going thru some sad and stressful period and then if she asks a question, you don’t want to talk about it. Basically, fake it until you make it and no one will ask questions.

This. I find it annoying when people, for example, sigh a lot and say they're so stressed. Then when you ask why, they say they don't want to discuss it. Good grief, then don't make a production out of sighing and talking about being stressed. It's annoying. Kind of the in person equivalent of Vaguebooking. Posting "I really need healing thoughts/prayers/etc today" and then when someone (inevitably) asks what's up, saying something like "it's private/personal or God knows why, just send prayers".

Ugh.

That is literally not what’s been described

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can I ask how she's been dismissive of your issues? Can you give an example?

Perhaps she hasn't been dismissive but you haven't liked the way she communicates care?

Also, are you equal in listening to her as she listens to you?

I think boundaries are fine but I want to know the whole story first.

Pressed enter to soon:

I listen to her constantly. Her work drama, her family drama, her beef with her therapist… all of it.

Then she is actually upset that you don't have the capacity to listen to her. She wants you to divulge so she can dismiss and let you know it's no big deal and get over it. Then she can proceed to tell you her problems. I am all for giving people second chances and forgiving lapses in behavior and judgment but if this is the established pattern and it always ends in you feeling bad, it's OK to drop her as a friend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am all for keeping your private thoughts/life private, but giving out tidbits of information or acting gloomy in person. For example, do not tell her you are going thru some sad and stressful period and then if she asks a question, you don’t want to talk about it. Basically, fake it until you make it and no one will ask questions.

This. I find it annoying when people, for example, sigh a lot and say they're so stressed. Then when you ask why, they say they don't want to discuss it. Good grief, then don't make a production out of sighing and talking about being stressed. It's annoying. Kind of the in person equivalent of Vaguebooking. Posting "I really need healing thoughts/prayers/etc today" and then when someone (inevitably) asks what's up, saying something like "it's private/personal or God knows why, just send prayers".

Ugh.

That is literally not what’s been described

DP. Yes, it pretty much is.

[Anonymous]

You are free to ice her out, but she is free to be upset and also decide that you are not a friend. Were you ever honest with her about your concerns before? This is pretty passive aggressive stuff.

[Anonymous]

What isn’t being understood? I’m not sulking, sighing and posting “pray for me!” On fb and then telling her I don’t want to discuss it.

She always calls and texts me and wants to be in constant contact. After several missed calls, I texted her back that I’m just going through a lot and that’s why I haven’t been super responsive. I said that I didn’t feel like talking on the phone but I can text. That’s when she starting asking “well what’s wrong with you?”. I told her health and emotional stuff going on and then tried to change the subject by asking about her plans for the weekend. She repeatedly tried to get all the details of what’s going on. That’s when I said that I don’t really want to talk about it (and again tried to change the subject).

[Anonymous]

I have a friend who has kept something awful from me. (another friend told me). I just pretend I don't know and have put my distance from her.
If I'm not someone she wants to tell, then I'm not a good enough friend, and that's ok.

[Anonymous]

She's not a friend. Certainly not a friend when you're down.